Things I Don't Understand
by Nayru Elric
Summary: Because no matter how much he tries to pretend he's not, Killua is still haunted by all the things he's done – and even more so, by the things he hasn't. WARNING: graphic depictions of violence, trauma, and abuse. Slow-burn romance. KilluGon.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Because no matter how much he tries to pretend he's not, Killua is still haunted by all the things he's done – and even more so, by the things he hasn't.

* * *

 **Things I Don't Understand**

* * *

Silver hair hugs his drool-stained cheeks as he rolls over, arms splaying out beside him. His nose wrinkles at the aroma of pine trees and cut grass – the grassy bed beneath him matted by his weight. Through the crack between his eyelids he can see people walking to and fro in the village across from the river where he sleeps. He groans and sits up, rolling his shoulders, joints popping into place. The sun is invisible underneath the gloomy cloud cover.

Killua is about to get up when another sighs behind him, and his eyes soften as he turns. _Gon._

He takes his dark blue hoodie, grey pants, and purple spotted shoes from beside Gon's clothes and treads onto the cobblestone road. Being silent is easy. He doesn't want to awaken Gon.

The village is tiny, save for the staggering population – of which Killua glimpsed last night while perched on a tree branch above their grass bed, unable to sleep. The old woman selling bread at the entrance is surprised when he appears on the road – a foreigner in modern clothing, with white hair and pale skin so far into the country. Killua doesn't know which country this is and he's none too concerned about finding out.

Him and Gon have been drifting for about three months now, after Alluka… said she no longer wanted to travel with him. She wants her own life, away from their family… away from him. Gon was with him during that time, and offered to take Killua on an adventure to lift his spirits.

Killua isn't sure why. It's inevitable Gon will leave too, one day…

On the opposite side of the village, there's another cobblestone bridge crossing over the river. Before he can go across, giggling and scuffling startles him out of his trance. He turns around. A child with dark hair, grimy and untrimmed, plays around the hem of his mother's dress, but Killua forces himself to tear his eyes away.

About a half mile from the village, he splashes his face with water from the river, near-freezing against his skin. He shudders. It feels good. He was alone the last time he did this too – in East Gorteau, during the invasion by the Chimera Ants.

 _Almost eighteen years…_

Oh yeah, it'll be his birthday soon, sometime next month. Gon already had his.

He remembers when reaching the age of fifteen sounded all so unlikely to him. He would have died of boredom, if nothing else, had he stayed with his family.

As he stares down at his hands pressed against the muddy riverbank, Killua's vision blurs. The running water disappears as he rips up handfuls of grass from the ground – instead, it's as if he's ripping apart flesh.

Sitting back against a tree, Killua clutches himself as he shakes. All else is but raucous clangor, echoing in his skull, pressing in on him from all sides as tears run down his face.

With sobs no louder than the running water, he's grateful when the gasps subside and he can see clearly again. Lately just thinking about them did this to him. He can't seem to make his tears stop…

If someone walked in on him like this – _if Gon saw_ – just what would he say…?

They'd been together for years. Years, and it had never bothered him – not enough for him to have breakdowns at random, anyway… It isn't like everything his family has done is new. He's been away from them for years, so why…?

At this point, his mind feels too much like putty to be able to think anymore. He's successfully slipped away, back to the ignorant place where he's safest and doesn't have to think. It was just another breakdown – he's fine. Nothing he can't handle on his own.

Killua lingers for a moment, near the water, until the sounds of the forest have calmed his nerves enough to stand.

No, he can't let Gon know…

* * *

 **~ Chapter 1 ~**

* * *

He flops over on the grass. The sun begins to peek between the clouds and pine needles above Gon's head, shining right into his eyes. There's an empty breeze to his left – no surprise there. Killua usually awakes before him.

Breathing in heavily, and pulling the heap of grass close to him, gradually, Gon sits up, rubbing behind his head. Killua's clothes are gone too.

He drags himself off the grass bedding and crawls to the edge of the river just beneath, dunking his head under. When he whips it up, he slicks back his spiked-up crown of hair with both hands, not quite as long as it once was. His morning routine surely hasn't changed.

When finished, he sits back with his elbows on his knees, waiting for the sun to dry him off…

Killua usually awoke before him… but lately, he's been going off by himself early too. It's only been happening for about the last about two months they've been traveling together, and not that often – it's likely Killua thinks he hasn't noticed. Gon doesn't know how to bring it up though. It isn't like there's any harm in Killua exploring a little by himself, but most nights, before they fall asleep, Killua's been… strange. Rather than the imaginative, talkative friend Gon had always been used to before Alluka's nihilistic approach toward the Zoldycks, now Killua seems distant. He gives Gon one-word replies, avoids his eyes, and falls asleep in ten minutes or less.

Come morning, once Killua returns, it's as if everything is back to normal.

Gon isn't sure whether to press the issue… It hadn't been like this very often when they were younger – not even after Killua almost offered himself to Nobunaga, nor during the war against the Chimera Ants. They had always had something to talk about, even if they were avoiding the issue. Why now, after everything?

 _There are a lot of things Killua doesn't tell me,_ Gon knows. For instance, Alluka told Gon how Illumi tracked her and Killua across continents as they tried to reach the hospital, how Killua had defied even Silva to get her off of the Zoldyck Estate.

 _If Killua really wanted to tell me something…_

Gon stands, stretching each arm across his chest.

"Hey."

He smiles as he turns. "Hey, Killua."

Both of them are older, taller. Gon more muscular, Killua more slender – but muscular in his own respect. It suits him. Gon laments growing out of his green outfit, but they _are_ technically adults now. Killua has been trying to teach him how to be more fashionable, but it's just too much work for him – a simple shirt, pants, and sweatshirt are all Gon needs.

Killua crouches down to dig through their bag – well, Gon's bag – while Gon asks, "Have you already checked out the area?"

"Yeah."

"Find anything interesting?"

"Not really. The river extends all the way to the mountains near the coast, and then it empties into the ocean. That's where we might find those caves you were talking about, but the locals say many Hunters have checked the area before and found nothing."

"Do you think our luck will be any better?"

"Who knows. For the love of – Gon, where'd you put the deodorant?"

"It should be in there."

"Well it isn't."

Killua's mouth becomes tauter the more he rifles through the yellow backpack. "Are you sure you didn't use it all?" he mumbles.

"I didn't think so…" Gon twiddles his fingers. "Killua, I was thinking…"

He doesn't look up from the bag. "Hm?"

"I think we should go back to Greed Island."

Though his head is halfway buried inside the smelly bag by now, Killua's eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets. With an elbow on one leg, he turns to Gon, bemused. "Hah?!"

"Yeah," says Gon with a finger in the air, "I really liked the atmosphere there. Traveling through the countryside has been nice, but we haven't really found anything worthwhile. I'd like to see what's become of Greed Island now that all the Bombers aren't skulking around. Don't you think it would be fun?"

Killua's lour expression doesn't faze Gon in the slightest. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"Well, why not?"

Killua hates that he can never win against Gon's logic. "If you're looking for another adventure, it's more likely we'll find one out here in the middle of nowhere. Eventually, anyway. It's been nearly five years since we completed Ging's game, but Greed Island is still packed to the gills with players who are trying to find a way home and players who have made lives there and decided to stay…" _Do you want to go back to reminisce?_ Killua is tempted to ask.

"I know, I just think it'd be cool to see how things have changed, if at all."

Gon senses something else behind Killua's hesitation. He wants to ask, but he doesn't know how. Killua has already stood up and asked, "Are you sure?" by the time Gon has registered it, so he leaves it be.

"I'm sure," says Gon.

"Fine. Let's go after we check out the mountains. Just in case."

"Okay!"

Killua swings the backpack on his shoulder and together they walk down the road into the village. "Also, you have to figure out how to get us back to modern society. I have no idea where we are."

"Sure… Killua, may I use your cell phone?"

"No – WE HAVE NO SERVICE, YOU DUMBASS!"

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Gon and Killua have been traveling on one of the large islands bordering the country of Sahelta, where outcropping towns and villages are scattered, like the one they had been near earlier. Coincidentally, the mountain-ocean path is in the direction of another town. As it turned out, there _are_ caves in the mountains once full of treasures, but they've been all but pillaged now, until all that was left were a few dusty coins.

The journey has been the perfect divertimenti after the Alluka fiasco, but both Gon and Killua figure it's about time they get back to doing something constructive with themselves, and what better place to train than Greed Island?

Buildings spring up around them like tiny cliffs, and the weather becomes warmer as the clouds disintegrate throughout the day. Lunch consists of a leisurely meal of avocado rolls at a place called Aunt Momo's – where you can buy a full barrel of peaches for only 700 Jenny. Gon wants to buy one – because _"Who doesn't love peaches?"_ to which Killua yells, "NOT THAT MANY!" – so Killua drags Gon out by his shirt after hastily paying the bill. Gon pouts beside him until they can feel the spray of the sea on their faces. "Ah! Look, Killua! The dock's this way –!"

"Wait, Gon." Killua's hand lingers on Gon's tan arm.

"What is it?"

"Let's not rush. We're still supposed to be traveling at our own pace, right?" _After everything that's happened… I don't want to march headlong into another adventure just yet._

After all the time they had spent apart, and all that had come between them, Alluka, and the others… _Yeah, Killua's right._ "Sure. Wanna look through the gift shops?"

Killua stifles a grin as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Lead the way." Killua doesn't care if Gon charges on ahead, as long as he's allowed to go with him through _all_ of it this time. If Gon wants to ignore everything in the past, or talk it out… just as long as they're near each other, Killua doesn't mind. Besides, they already promised each other they wouldn't let _that_ happen again.

The scene is quite reminiscent to Killua – and they aren't even halfway to Greed Island yet. He chuckles to himself. Really, it is just like old times… if only.

A dark figure lands in between them from above. Neither of them have been training much the past months they've been together, focusing more on getting back to the sympatico they once had.

Gon, too focused on what's in front of him, doesn't realize until it's too late. His reaction time has decreased tremendously. Killua's certainly rusty himself, but his limbs are already moving. His fingernails elongate and he crouches into a jumping position before launching forward with violent speed, not unlike their feline foe from long times ago. The figure falls to the ground with a deafening thud – Gon has turned and sees now. Killua is standing back up. Gon's eyes are wide, but the image is so, so blurry to Killua. More figures appear between them and behind them, and Killua moves again, robotic. The figures behind Gon have him in a vise grip and are pulling him, thrashing, into the adjacent alleyway. Killua cuts through every figure that appears between them, unthinkingly.

"KILLUA! KILLUA, DON'T –!"

"Be quiet, brat," a voice hisses. "We aren't here for you –!"

Gon doesn't listen. He yanks on the arms of the burly men holding him. Usually Gon's strength would be at worst matched with any adult, but there's something else keeping him in place, like a glove around his body. "Let go of me!" he cries in anger.

Killua doesn't come to until he has eliminated every other enemy and sees the short javelin in the hand of the man holding Gon, pointing it at Gon's throat. Killua halts midstep. Any move will not be quick enough. He doesn't have the time to activate Godspeed. Their enemy will surely move before he can. "What do you want?!" Killua demands. His voice rattles like that of a furious snake, worse than he's ever heard it.

"I got a tip from a buddy of mine who said you'd be here. Your family is looking everywhere for you. I'm sure the bounty on your head is enough to set a guy up for three lifetimes."

"Too bad," Killua shouts at him. "I'm not going back no matter what."

The man smiles, meretricious. "If you don't come with me, I'll kill him."

Killua knows, even with a lack of training these past months, Gon should be able to break free from the man on his own. The fact that he hasn't already must mean one of two things: He wants to hear what the man has to say first, or there's something physically stopping him from doing so. Gon's eyes are clamped shut and he's panting; sweat beads on his forehead as he tries to pull himself free. Using Gyo, Killua sees the man's aura has snuffed out Gon's. He's slowly sapping away Gon's life energy. If Killua waits too much longer –

"Wait, Killua, don't kill him," Gon sputters, sensing bloodlust.

Killua freezes in place. _Why not?_ Killua's unsure to what Gon's thinking. _Maybe he has another plan after all?_ But when Gon's gaze connects with his… oh…

Killua's arms and legs feel stiff from his swift movements before, but he's trembling. He refuses to look down at his hands as they clench into fists, dripping with warm blood.

"What's this?" the man yells. "Don't tell me you're surprised! Don't you know your friend here is the most promising assassin in the Zoldyck Family? He's a murderer, born and bred to kill –!"

"Shut up!" Gon screams. "Killua, you don't have to kill him – he's just trying to manipulate y –!"

"Yeah, right, a murderer like him won't even think twice about it!" counters the man.

"Killua, don't listen to him –"

"With how many he's killed, why, I'm only a drop in the bucket!"

"Killua –!"

"WHICH IS IT GOING TO BE, ZOLDYCK?!"

With both of them shouting at him, the same throbbing fills Killua's head – the one pounding with despair, anguish, hatred, and a smothering, selfish love. He can't take it.

Gon feels the hold on him release, and he shoves the man away – only to find him a now headless corpse. Gon gasps and he hears the head fall somewhere behind him as blood sprays his face. The world closes around him like the Nen that had just been holding him. He falls on his knees, weak from – from what he's just witnessed. The blood on his cheeks vaguely stings, and then Killua is there, beside him.

"Gon, are you –?" Killua stops, seeing his outstretched hand. _No…_

Killua turns it.

… _There's blood._

He raises his other hand.

 _More blood._

He looks down at his clothes.

 _So much blood…_

Gon watches him in a mix of confusion and shock. His brow is tight, yet his amber eyes are uncomprehending. He can't seem to move.

The man's words run through Killua's mind. He smirks sadly as tears spill into his eyes.

 _Yeah…_ _I'm just a murderer after all._

* * *

 **I feel like the reunion idea has been overdone and personally I would like to see how Togashi does it before anyone else – if he does it at all; that man is tricky when it comes to giving the fans what they want. Anyway, I wanted to write something sometime after the series ends and I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a while, inspired by various discussions with my muse. I have absolutely no clue how far this could go as of right now. Since I haven't been able to write in so long, this was the idea that most caught my attention (out of many).**

 **[Edit (5/16/2018): Wow, it's been a while since I wrote this chapter! I just want to let all readers know that this chapter is meant to be vague as per how the story unfolds later on, so I encourage you to stick with it just a few more chapters before you decide whether or not to commit yourself, as its vagueness was surely my intention. Cheers!]**

 **I hope you liked it! Please don't forget to tell me your thoughts below~**


	2. Chapter 2

**~ Chapter 2 ~**

* * *

A vignette-like scene paints the alleyway before him. Crimson blood swims into stone; the man's decapitated body and head, frozen with fear, teeter in the background; other body parts are strewn about the area, in a trail leading back onto the street…

Such a thing once left him brimming with delight. Now there's only a panging sickness in his gut, reaching from his pounding skull all the way down to his trembling toes.

Gon is still on the ground, watching him, blood sprinkled on his cheeks. Something is wrong. Killua isn't moving, just staring at his hands.

When tears spill down his ashen cheeks, Gon snaps out of his trance. He takes hold of Killua's dark blue sleeve just as he's turning away. "Wait, Killua, I know you didn't mean to…"

Gon's words, coupled with the innocent confusion and _sympathy_ of all things on his face – like the twelve-year-old boy he once knew – only makes Killua's stomach churn with guilt. He yanks his arm vehemently away. "Don't you get it, Gon?! I killed him!"

"No, you must have thought there was no time," Gon assures impossibly. "You wouldn't have killed him unless there was no other choice –"

"There are a hundred other ways I could have made him let you go," Killua interrupts. "But I… I took the easy way out. Because I'm… I'm still… a coward!" _I'm just a murderer!_ Killua isn't sure whether he said the last part aloud or not.

Gon is shaking his head slowly. Denial. "No, it's your family's fault –"

The tears that stained Killua's face are irrelevant now. He's too angry to feel sorry for himself. "Stop it, Gon! How can you say that?! How can you try to justify murder when you're the one who made me realize it wasn't right in the first place?!" Killua stops at the shock on Gon's face. His head lowers as he turns away, white bangs over his eyes. "I don't know how you can say such things."

Gon is standing now, shoulders hunched, arms limp. His strength was sapped by the Nen that engulfed his body earlier, but the blood on his face and on Killua's trembling fists is proof enough that this isn't a time for weakness. "What do you mean 'how you can say such things'?!" Gon bursts. Uncontrollably, his hands clench into fists as he stumbles forward.

His hands roughly take hold of Killua's shoulders and spin him around, and Killua braces himself for the punch he feels in Gon's reignited, furious aura, clamming his eyes shut. He knows he deserves it.

But Gon's strong arms are around him, squeezing Killua so hard he can barely see or breathe. "You aren't a murderer… You're my best friend!" Gon splutters. His voice cracks, on the verge of tears, and the pressure of his arms around Killua's body isn't letting up. Killua feels sobs rising his throat from the warmth spreading in his gut. From all the times he's snuck off and hidden from Gon, including before…

Before Killua can push him away, his blood-stained hands are clenched on Gon's back and he's babbling like a child. "I'm sorry! I was so scared – and then I moved without thinking!"

Surprised by the sudden outburst, Gon stands motionless as Killua cries into his shoulder.

Something tells him… those early morning strolls weren't purely for exploration after all…

Quickly, Killua moves away, gasps ceasing, feverishly wiping his face. Gon's hands remain on Killua's shoulders. He speaks in a gentle albeit tenuous voice. "After what happened in NGL, we promised we wouldn't hide things from each other anymore, remember? You made me promise."

"…Yeah," Killua grunts quietly, trying his best to sound normal, wiping the tears that leak from his eyes.

"That stands for you too," says Gon.

Killua nods, but he avoids Gon's gaze, too embarrassed by the red skin around his eyes.

Gon frowns, reminded how Killua had gone completely ballistic on him not three weeks after they reunited…

They'd been spending more time together – sans Alluka, who had been encouraging them to do so, in fact – when after a day of exploring the evergreen forests of the valley that skirted the town they were settled in, they sat down by a waterfall. They'd frolicked around the trees all day, giggling and shouting, as they had on Whale Island. Killua seemed to be really enjoying himself, and he seemed happy then, just sitting by the water…

After a time of hearing the waterfall's waves crash against the rocks and the susurrus reverberations of the forest – smelling the pleasant, damp air – abruptly, Killua stood up, and without saying a word headed back in the direction of the town.

By the time they reached the edge of the forest, a bright full moon was visible. Killua stopped dead in his tracks. Gon came to a stop behind him on the path.

"You know, Gon, I… I'm glad we've been able to hang out again like this."

Gon blinked. They'd already said this, over and over again. They were glad to be together. But Gon didn't mind saying it again. "Me too, Killua."

"I mean, I'm… glad… that all that's happened… hasn't changed the fact that we're friends." It was difficult to see his expression from this angle in the shadowy moonlight, but Gon could guess it well enough. Killua's shoulders were curved in, chin down. Gon's cheeks lit with a smile.

"Of course not, Killua. You're my best friend!" he exclaimed cheerfully, grinning at the back of Killua's head. "There's nothing that will change that."

Killua turned around. His silver hair reflected the tepid clair de lune before Gon's eyes. "No, I meant…" Killua dropped his shoulders, and the flustered edge to his voice vanished as he continued. "I… was really scared, after what happened… I was scared… that I would never see you again… that I had failed so horribly as your friend that you were… beyond the point of helping."

It was all he said, but Gon figured Killua was glad the moonlight disguised his face now. "I'm sorry," Gon said, ashamed.

"No, stop apologizing!" Killua lashed out. He threw his arms out as he trod toward Gon. Up close, Gon saw the frustration, fear, and regret on Killua's face. His fingers dug into Gon's shoulders. "I was the one who was a shitty friend when you needed me most, so you better stop apologizing for it, okay?!"

Gon could hardly stand having Killua's steady blue eyes fixated so intently upon him. He diverted his own. "…Killua, I already know you're sorr –"

"No, Gon, stop."

He glanced fearfully back at Killua. His expression was unbelievably strained.

"Please, let me say this… once, at least. When you were in that state… in the hospital… and I saw you lying there… your face covered in bandages… hooked up to all those IVs… a breathing mask on your face… and then… when I took your hand… you…" He was trembling. The distress painted all over his face worked to break the stoic shell he always put up, a watery film of conflict shielding his irises. "Please, _I'm_ the one… who should be sorry."

Gon hadn't wanted to see Killua like that. Not ever. But his own emotions came bursting out of him like a tidal wave. He'd started wailing so loudly, startling Killua so badly that his own tears spilled down his face.

Gon just hugged him, wailing, crying, shouting. If he was saying something, he couldn't tell, and Killua couldn't understand him. When Killua placed his arms around him, Gon sank to the ground, refusing to let go. Bathed by the quiescent moonlight, they stayed that way…

After a time, the jerks of his body became less, and his sobs quieted. Killua took him by the arms. "Don't ever face something like that on your own again, okay?"

His voice was severe, but his expression revealed just how hard it had been for him to maintain his usual composure. Gon nodded. "I got it."

"I want you to promise me," demanded Killua.

Wiping his eyes, Gon looked at him closer. Now the determination in Killua's face was hard as stone. "Promise me you won't ever cast aside your own life like that again."

So taken aback by the intensity of the request, Gon said nothing. Tears continued to run down his cheeks.

Killua said, "If you can't promise me that, then I… we…" Killua sucked in a deep breath. Whatever was on his mind was making it difficult to speak. This perplexed Gon, but Killua's voice broke when he spoke again. "I can't do it, alright?!" His determination broke into fear, and there were tears in his eyes again as he took Gon's hands into his own. "So promise me!"

"I-I promise," Gon stammered, his cheeks pink from Killua's fingers clenching the backs of his hands. He forced himself to look Killua in the eye, to know that he meant it.

The trace of a smile played across Killua's lips, only momentarily. "Now, if you break that promise, you're gonna get it, okay?"

"Okay."

Briefly, Killua's arms closed around his shoulders again, too quick for Gon to react. The moment was short, but Killua's arms were firm, his face close enough for Gon to feel the immense sigh of relief Killua breathed onto his neck.

As they walked back to the town, they'd spoken quietly about this and that, a kalonous glow haloed between them.

And, somehow, Killua's fingers found their way to Gon's.

But that was the only time.

When the moon disappeared, giving way to a vibrant, golden dawn, they were back at the hotel.

That had been six months ago.

Afterward, things were even more relaxed between them, gradually falling together… but Alluka seemed to have taken that as a sign. More and more, she acted standoffish toward Killua. At fifteen, having been away from the Zoldycks for three years, Gon knew Killua didn't blame her for wanting to be on her own – he knew better than anyone how she felt. But the blow took a toll on him that Gon never anticipated. Every day that Alluka went off on her own, Killua seemed more and more like a stray cat – a mother who'd lost her newborn, had nowhere to go, nothing to do. It was the least Gon could do to offer to go adventuring with him. That way, they could get away from Alluka and the others – as she was staying with Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo now – and focus on seeing the world.

It had been fine like that for these past three months, though Killua disappeared for many hours in the mornings. Or so Gon had hoped, anyway…

Now, covered in blood before his eyes, Killua avoids him. "I want you to mean it," he says, repeating what Killua said to him at that time.

Killua's eyes flicker to Gon's face, seeing the candid austerity there. And the flecks of drying blood on his cheeks… He sighs, and Gon's hands follow his shoulders up and back down.

"Killua, you told me never to shut you out again, to let you help me… right? I always thought it was supposed to be mutual…"

Again, Killua sighs. "I…"

They're still the same height, which Gon feels stupid for noting at a time like this. Something about the emptiness in Killua's eyes reminds him of the past…

Gon's hands drop back to his sides. This isn't going anywhere.

Killua looks up, at the hard expression on his best friend's face. Gon's features are sharper than before. His brow is more defined and high cheekbones jut across his face, but his soft gold-brown eyes and round cheeks still belong to the boy Killua befriended six years ago.

"If you can't tell me yet, that's okay," Gon says. "But don't ever let it get to this point again. Got it?" Killua nods, which Gon takes as the best answer he can get right now. The smell of freshly dead bodies in the alleyway has begun to stab his nose. Someone from the crowd in the market square not too far from here will soon notice. "Come on."

Tentatively, Gon takes Killua's hand. This seems to bring him back from the safe place in his mind he'd locked himself in.

Softly, Gon guides him out of the darkness.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

On a vessel back to Sahelta, Gon books a room for them. Killua used the unstained backside of his sweatshirt to hide the blood on the front of his grey pants while on deck – the kills were messy because of how out of practice he is.

In the shower, Killua hangs the clothing articles under the running water and watches the tiny tributaries of crimson seep into the drain between his feet. He inspects his fingers as dried brown hemoglobin washes away, using the bathroom's complementary sponge to scrub underneath them. It's been so long since he's used his sharp nails, his fingertips feel rheumatic now.

Killua laces his fingers in his snow-white hair as he leans against the wall beneath the showerhead. He'd finally allowed Gon to see him that way – to watch him tear through flesh, bone, and _logic_ in order to pacify the pounding urge for death in his head. Killua's sure he hacked the dark figures to pieces, in such a panic to get to Gon, switched back to… that time. They had heard the strangled screams of the men and women who were unlucky enough to stumble upon the macabre scene. He wishes he could take it all back.

 _I removed Illumi's needle over three years ago,_ Killua thinks, but at times he still feels its residue effect – as though it's still there, taunting him.

When he exits the shower in the black T-shirt and loose pair of grey pajama pants he had packed away in Gon's yellow bag, Gon is already laying on the bed. Having showered first on Killua's insistence – seeing Gon covered with blood was just too much for Killua to bear, especially after the explosion that nearly obliterated them both – Gon's spiky wet hair is pressed upright against the bedcovers. He's also grinning at Killua, holding the newest model of the beetle phone above his face. "Killua, we finally have service again!"

"That's good."

"Yep!" Gon turns back to tapping his phone screen as Killua blinks stupidly. Seating himself on the other side of the bed, he ruffles through his hair with a towel.

The passenger vessel rocks back and forth with unstable movement. Killua can see dark waters rippling past in one of the two large portholes parked halfway up the wall. The room itself makes Killua wonder if they're in a five-star hotel. The couches are covered by velvet intricately woven with swirly flower designs, the carpet is entwined by dulcet wool, and the bedsheets are made of soft, fine silk. There are even bedside tables and a chest of drawers made of mahogany, and the paintings hanging on the walls don't look like recreations. Their porcelain bathroom was large and brightly-lit too…

Usually they chose whichever shabby room was available and that was it. Killua doesn't realize he's watching Gon play on his beetle phone until Gon glances at him.

"What is it?" Gon asks.

"…Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"About what, Killua?"

Killua fumes silently at the cluelessness in his voice. "You know, about… what happened. In the town…"

His voice trails off and Gon flicks off his phone screen, sitting up on the bed, cross-legged. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Gon's face is blank, so Killua stutters, "Well, no, I just – thought maybe you'd… want to ask…? If not, then never mind." He turns away as he continues to wipe himself off with the towel, but Gon stays in place, watching him.

"Killua, I am… angry that you killed them."

This catches Killua off-guard, and he spins around to see Gon's expression, but Gon isn't glaring at him. There's only conflict in his face as he folds his hands in his lap. Killua waits to hear what else he has to say.

"But, I still don't… think it was entirely your fault."

"But I did kill them, Gon. Whether it was my fault or not, I'm still the one who did it, in the end."

"I guess… I guess I don't entirely understand, then."

Gon is looking at him with that stupid sympathy again. Killua can hardly take it. "Understand what?"

"How… why you still feel like you have to do that… kill people…"

"That doesn't really change the fact that those people are dead, does it?" Killua mutters.

"No, but I –"

"Hey, you're the one who told me killing was bad to begin with!" Killua shouts at him. "Why're you trying to justify my actions?! It makes no sense – I can't stand it! From the time I was born, I was a murderer – that's just the way it was. Nothing can change that! You've always despised anyone who goes against your goody-two-shoes moralities, and yet now you're quick to justify mine?! You can't do that…!" Killua's voice fades as he leans forward, a hand on his forehead. "Please, I can't… take it!"

"Killua, I'm not trying to justify it, I just want to understand."

"What is there to understand?" Killua chokes out, not moving. "I murdered twenty men in cold blood right before your eyes! How can you still… not be afraid of me…?" _How can you still be my friend? How did you ever become my friend?_

Gon exhales in exasperation. "I don't know, please just – just stop talking for a minute, okay? I just want to understand why, but I can't if you don't tell me anything." Gon sucks in an orphic breath, which catches Killua's attention. His next words make him turn around. "For example, Alluka… told me how much trouble you went through to get her to the hospital for me. I never knew that before. Why didn't you tell me?"

Killua gives a furtive shrug. "I-I dunno – I couldn't find a time to mention it."

"And what about you disappearing in the morning?" Gon asks keenly.

"…What?"

"Did you think I didn't notice? What have you been doing, going off by yourself every morning?" Gon's voice is barely louder than a whisper.

Killua gulps. "I was just scouting ahead –"

"Were you?" His eyes are dark and bore into Killua, who lets out a sharp exhale. "Killua, please…"

"I…" The words are on the tip of his tongue, right there in the front of his mind: _I don't know what's happening to me. It's like my past has finally caught up to me. I find myself crying whenever I'm alone. I don't know why it's suddenly affecting me now. It was never like this before._ He just can't say it.

Palpably, the mood drops when he says, "I can't wait until we get to Greed Island."

"Killua…"

Killua clenches his teeth as he turns toward Gon, leaning forward on the bed. "Gon, I…!" The words shatter in his mouth. He can't say anything that will ease the betrayal on Gon's face.

Gon knows pushing it will only make it worse. He pulls back the covers and sticks his legs inside, laying down on his back. After a moment, Killua throws his towel aside and turns off the light. They've slept in the same bed many times by now, but only a few times has Gon let his feelings overwhelm him enough to move closer.

Tonight, Gon can't seem to get comfortable no matter what, with the day's events rousing his mind. Amidst the darkness, he hears Killua's breaths still shuddering with alertness as well. "Killua," he whispers.

"Idiot, go to sleep," the other murmurs.

"I can't…"

Killua cracks open his eyes – piercing sapphires – as he faces Gon, who's wide awake. Those blue gems disappear again when Killua sighs sleepily.

Hearing the sloshing waves against the vessel's sides, Killua reaches forward and grabs hold of Gon's arms. Instinctively, Gon draws Killua closer, wrapping his arms around his chest. Killua's hands rest on Gon's back.

At the sound of Killua's heartbeat singing against his eardrums, drowsiness instantly consumes Gon.

"I've missed being able to talk to you at night, Killua," Gon says.

"Go to sleep," he mumbles. Then perhaps, Killua thinks, too far from Gon's consciousness, he whispers, "Me too…"

* * *

 **I actually wrote this chapter two weeks ago, but I wasn't satisfied with it, so I decided to wait and edit it. I had today off due to the junior and sophomore classes taking the ACT!**

 **I hope you'll leave your thoughts below~**


	3. Chapter 3

**~ Chapter 3 ~**

* * *

Water trickles in his ears.

While the moon's saccharine glow floats on the surface, he remembers it raining – a soft drizzle wept from the sky. He was under the awning of an abandoned building. Gon was there too, shuffling his damp boots against the concrete. They had watched the light downpour quietly. In silence, except for the irenic sounds of nature…

The moon hides behind passing nimbus clouds, gliding gently over the white disk, obscuring its light until it rays out again, creating ultramarine scintillas on the briny seawater. Killua can't help but grin at the memory. There isn't anything terribly special about it, but that's what makes it so special to him. His hands clench on the railing as he leans over the passenger vessel, and he feels biting wind in his face as he closes his eyes, standing taller. At times, with the rocking motion of the vessel, it feels like he'll fall over into the ocean until he jerks himself back.

He enjoys that feeling more than he would like to admit – of being on the edge, able to topple one way or the other. It kept him alive.

 _Not anymore._

Silver eyes open to glare out at the vacuous sea.

No, now he feels he's in limbo, too grounded in reality to be able to escape in the childish play of malicious murder.

He knows it's wrong. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he always knew it was wrong. That never really mattered though. He enjoyed doing it because… well, he could. He could overpower others, even adults – even martial artists who had trained their entire lives – and wipe out their miserable ambition just like that. It brought him joy.

Death doesn't care how long someone has trained or how long they've already lived. Death is unforgiving. If you know which buttons to press, you can make anyone fall to their knees. Killua was simply their wake-up call, the death bringer, able to manipulate others at will, make them beg for their tiny lives – and through that, he'd had control.

That was what was running through his mind when he killed Bodoro – right? Just to overpower someone because – because he'd just felt so powerless against… his real enemy.

The Zoldycks.

 _But I'm away from them now…_ Killua's head rotates upward, to the swirling nimbus clouds above. _So why…?_ Why does it still haunt him, that urge for death?

Is this his punishment for all he's already done?

It would make sense. To think of how many he's killed… and how many he has yet to kill. He can try to justify it as he was protecting his friends – Alluka, Gon, Ikalgo, the team… _It doesn't matter._ As long as he lives, he hopes the hammering torture of his mind never leaves him, only that he can truly leave his life of assassination behind, and stop killing. He thought he had, but… real life isn't that forgiving, it would seem.

Twelve years of death, of playing God, of playing ego… the very thing he had accused Gon of doing, only to find that wasn't the case at all. How can he excuse himself? He doesn't deserve repentance.

…Why does that memory come to mind?

A peaceful rainfall, a cold, lonely day – yet he hadn't felt cold or lonely at all…

He's about to turn back inside when he spots the figure at the corner of his eye. He was so enraptured by his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed. Killua grins in congratulation of the other's sneakiness, but Gon interrupts his thoughts.

"Why are you out here by yourself?"

The strenuous tone of Gon's voice takes Killua by surprise, but he chooses to ignore it. "I just needed to think a little," he answers smoothly. Going over to him, Killua places a hand on Gon's broad shoulder. "Let's go back to sleep."

Gon looks ready to shake it off, but again Killua ignores the chaw in his eyes. He's halfway across the deck when he realizes Gon isn't following him.

"Please stop avoiding me."

Killua's grin vanishes as he turns around.

"I don't know why you won't tell me what's actually going on," Gon says, his voice low but clear. "Do you… really not trust me, even after all this time…?"

"Look, I don't want to burden you or anyone with my problems, all right?" says Killua dismissively. "It's my problem, so don't worry about it –"

"But I don't want this to continue, you disappearing when I'm not awake!" Gon shouts. His fists are shaking. When his gaze finally lifts, Killua fears the reflective substance in his eyes… Tears? "I don't want you to keep killing people, Killua… I don't get it!" Gon cries out, clutching his head. "But how can you think this is okay…?!" The shrillness in his voice lowers, and the anger fades away, replaced by his fat tears rolling down his cheeks, stabbing the corners of his eyes.

Quickly, Killua says, "Gon, I know it isn't okay –"

"No, I'm not talking about killing," Gon interrupts weakly, scrubbing his face with one arm as fast as he can. "I'm talking about… you hiding things from me. How can you expect me to trust you when you don't trust me…?"

Anything Killua was about to say no longer holds any meaning. He watches as Gon falls to his knees, holding his face, having finally said it.

After that time six months ago, when Killua had confronted him demanding the same thing, maybe he'd taken too much meaning from that… maybe it had just been words to Killua. Maybe Killua had only meant for him to trust him if it was a dire necessity… Maybe… he'd just been touchy while Alluka was still in his good graces because he was happy, but now that she was gone…

Killua moves closer, crouching to Gon's level. "Gon, I'm really sorry…"

The boy's confusion and tear-filled face wrenches Killua's heartstrings from his chest, stealing the breath from his lungs. Every time Killua thinks he can do this, he really can't. "I'm trying to be a better person," Killua says softly, "but clearly it isn't working…"

Gon wants to take him in his arms and assure him he's wrong, that it's his own fault for being selfish for so long, too caught up in his own ignorance to ask Killua, but he's too afraid. _Why does it always end up like this?_ Gon wonders. _With me crying instead of him?_ His fingers are trembling at his sides.Killua takes his hands again, but Gon shakes him away, grabbing Killua's wrists a little too tightly. "Please, don't shut me out. I want to help you, if I can…"

Killua's heart skips a beat from the pressure of Gon's fingertips commanding attention on his wrists, from the familiar warm lilt of his voice… It was always times like these when his cheeks steamed up and he'd find himself completely astounded – for how could someone be so kind to him? How could one person change his world by simply being his friend? Despite what he is…

The same spark dazzles Killua now, heightening the world in detail – the wooden deck beneath their bare calloused feet, the black clouds swirling up above and dark waters lapping against the vessel down below, the twinkling stars and shimmering moon… the hairs on his arms standing up on-end in the cool ocean breeze… what he's feeling right now…

Killua's heart is pounding, fighting for recognition. But Gon's expression is only shy, and sorrowful. That isn't what this is supposed to be about. No, he can't do anything.

Eventually, Gon frees Killua's wrists and looks down in his lap. Killua longs again for his touch. Even something as small as that shot him back into the past… or did it bind him to the present?

"Gon, you're the person I trust most," Killua avers slowly. Gon looks up, watching him in a certain fascination. Slightly annoyed at what a vagary Gon makes of himself, Killua presses on. "I'm just… not used to this."

Gon's eyebrows fall. "Not used to what?"

"Any of this."

"…What?"

"You know," Killua mutters embarrassedly. "T-talking about feelings – and stuff."

"Oh…" Gon thinks for a moment. Tilting his head and smiling shyly, he poses it as a question. "Neither am I?"

 _Then why are you so good at it?!_ Killua retorts. _Then why does being around you… make me wish I_ could _say these things…?_

"So… what do you want to do…?" Killua asks in a small voice. The despondence of Gon's tearful expression still hasn't left his mind. Three times now he's made Gon cry like that. Maybe the time six months ago was unavoidable, but the others… _Why can't I just tell him?_ Killua caviles angrily. _Tell him what's been going on… not just lately, but since before…_

Gon's eyes fall from Killua's face. He looks like he's struggling with something, the same kind of calculated expression he uses when they're in a tough spot.

"I don't know," Gon says abruptly. "It's late. I just want to go back to sleep."

Killua swoops down on him in irritation. "When I suggested the same thing you told me to stop avoiding you!"

"Well I've changed my mind now," Gon says simply, standing. His eyes are tired, which keeps Killua from pressing any further. "I wouldn't be able to focus on anything you're saying anyway, so let's just call it a night… 'kay?" Gon smiles exhaustedly and then yawns, doddering toward the door. Killua wonders if he thinks that he's already forgotten…

He can't let Gon know… that's what he's always told himself. "Gon has enough on his plate." "Gon doesn't need to be burdened by this." "I can do this on my own."

Yet now…

…That fact was causing Gon distress…?

Killua shakes his head, ducking out of the moonlight.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

He sits up, scratching the back of his neck. When he focuses in on the room, he realizes the spot beside him is vacant. _Gon's giving me a taste of my own medicine, eh?_ He stands and stretches his arms over his head.

Gon bursts from the bathroom. "I've figured it out!"

Killua stops mid-stretch. "Huh? Figured what out?"

Before Gon can say anything, the vessel thuds to a halt. There's static over the loudspeaker. "This is your captain speaking. We've arrived on the Yorbian Continent." She rattles off information regarding the climate, time of day, and the area's most popular tourist attractions while Gon zips up their bag and slings it over his shoulder. When the captain's voice shuts off with a click, Gon says, "We'll start by searching for the nearest airport."

As they walk across the deck to the loading dock, Gon explains, "We'll ask one of the flight captains to fly us over Greed Island and drop in from above! That way we won't be spotted by any of the Game Masters, and even if we are, I'm sure they'll let us stay since, you know, we beat the game following the rules the first time."

Checking the nearest information desk of the oceanside town, Gon and Killua learn that the next airport is over fifty-five miles away. They agree they'd prefer to walk the distance than be crammed in a stuffy bus, even if it's only for a few hours. At the nearest supermarket, Gon loads his bag with apples, toadstools, and two slabs of raw fish – with some flint to strike a fire.

The walk down the countryside takes them farther and farther from the sea, and each hour they take a turn carrying Gon's bag. The charmolypi winds rustle the tall yellow grasses surrounding them and Gon's black hair, Killua's white bangs… Scarcely a car drives past. Only scarecrows mark their passing, crickets and bluebirds accompanying them with doleful singsong. Killua is finding this all relaxing yet also very strange – Gon hasn't mentioned last night at all. The peace is nice but they aren't walking side-by-side, something feels off – maybe he should say something…?

"Killua, how are you feeling?"

In spite of the simplicity of the question, Killua is beside himself with stress. "U-uh, fine. And y-you?"

Gon snorts at his nervousness, which Killua tries to resent him for – until Gon gives him that toothy smile. "Great, actually. I'm really glad we're together. I just wish…" Gon's hands tighten on the straps of his backpack and he finds himself studying the foliage of the forest on the edge of the yellow grass, a few hundred feet away.

"You wish…?" Killua prompts.

Gon looks back at him, his eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know. I've always liked spending time with you, wherever we are… whatever we're doing. I don't know why… it bothers me so much that you hide things. Shouldn't being together be enough…?"

Killua can tell he's more thinking aloud. _He's so careless!_ Killua could never say such things so openly, without a care who heard. Then again, after last night…

"Gon, I have fun when we're together too. I really mean it."

When Gon glances at him with that timid smile, Killua bumps him playfully with one elbow. He walks faster, ahead of Gon, not paying attention. Gon trots up behind him and hip-bumps him back so he stumbles forward. Grinning, Killua shoves Gon hard enough to push him halfway into the small ditch on the side of the road. Gon lets out a laugh. Dashing back up the side, he headbutts roughly into him. Killua loses his balance, and they're fighting as if they're children again.

The last six months had been full of this kind of play, burgeoning day by day until they set out for this adventure. It was a relief to have the old Killua back again – and the old Gon. Though few, some things really do never change.

They're rolling around and laughing, flattening the tall grass as they go, grunting from the minor bumps of rocks and the other's forceful motion. On their backs, their gasps catch from the lingering giggles on their breath. The clouds, thick and voluminous, shadow over them periodically with the changing highwinds. Serpentine breezes cause the grasses to whisper their silvery secrets in the otherwise-silence.

When the initial high of their euphoria subsides, there's a difference in the air – a faltering question. Neither one of them moves. Killua can feel Gon's arm brushing against his. Their hands are probably right beside each other. He could so easily…

The scenery has changed, greying from twilight, and then Killua feels a drop on his cheek. Wiping it with one hand, more drops hit his bare limbs. Gon sits up.

"It's raining!" he exclaims.

"You bet it is!"

The rain is coming down in torrents now, soaking through their clothes, down to the skin. Gon's wearing his white muscle shirt and brown pants as per usual, Killua a black T-shirt and shorts. They clamber for cover in the treeline across the field, racing over muddy grassland, and reach it at the same time – much to their dismay – only to find the intense waterflow beneath their shoes slowly entrapping them.

The rain pounds around him all the while as Gon climbs into the center of a tree and points at something in the distance. Down below, Killua opens his mouth to yell up to him, but thunder answers instead. Gon climbs down and takes Killua's wrist, leading the way.

The cabin squats in the rain like an elderly toad amongst the trees. By the looks of it, though decrepit, it's sturdy and been there for decades. Absently, Gon wonders who's been tending the fields – they looked too trimmed to be without a farmer, but perhaps he's wrong.

Inside is a single room. The wooden table is cracked and worn on the side that must have served as the cutting board for caught game. Of the three stools, one has a broken leg. The mound of straw in the back smells of mildew, depressed into the woodwork, and a small desk sits crookedly near the door. Gon pulls the window shutters closed in the back to stop the wind from blitzing through the place – the door's missing so they can still hear the rain plenty well.

They'd been walking for most of the day so it'll be nighttime soon. Gon pulls some of the apples out of their bag, feeling the now-warm rainwater rolling off his back, dripping onto the ground.

Killua shakes his head, spraying him with water. "Hey, Killua!" he squeals.

"Sorry," Killua says, rummaging his hands through his hair. "I hate it when it lies flat."

Gon shoots him a mock look of disgust as he continues to take apples out of their bag, and sets them on the table. _It probably wouldn't be a good idea to start a fire in the cabin to cook the fish or toadstools,_ he thinks, looking around at all the straw – and, considering that the cabin is made of wood, even if they're in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Killua pulls his T-shirt over his head and starts shaking it out, this time away from Gon, who watches him. _We'll probably get there by sundown tomorrow unless we decide to pick up the pace. That's probably what we'll do, since we need to get back into practicing with our abilities… I'm sure that's what Killua's thinking also… maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to mention training to him now, considering –_ Gon realizes what he's staring at. He averts his eyes, feeling the shame on his cheeks. No, wait… Gon peers up, taking a gulp.

"Ah, Killua," he says, voice unsure, "…may I ask you something?"

He never asked before not only 'cause he believed Killua would never answer him, but because he believed it wasn't in his right to ask. But, considering the circumstances of all that had happened, not just in the last few days… just maybe…

Killua's guard must be down because he says, "Go ahead," without question, never looking up from his shirt.

"…What is that?"

The former assassin has no idea what Gon's talking about until he sees Gon eyeing his back, his chin lowered in embarrassment.

"I've always wondered," Gon continues, a little too expeditious for his own good. "But I never knew if you would tell me… Not saying you have to tell me now!" he says quickly, waving his arms. "But I'm just…"

"Curious?" Killua asks.

Gon nods slightly, gulping in anticipation.

Killua turns away from him, attempting to use his now-only-somewhat-damp T-shirt to fluff up his hair. "Well if your curiosity is the only reason, I don't really want to tell you."

"Oh…" He flinches back. "Sorry for asking, then…" With deliberate movements, Gon searches their bag for a knife to cut the apples. The blood drains from his face and he feels slightly nauseous. _I can't find it._

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Killua says, his voice is muffled from rubbing his shirt back-and-forth across his head.

"Then why not tell me?" pops out of his mouth.

"I don't like exposing my friends to this kinda stuff," Killua says, pulling his head out from beneath his shirt.

"Not even your best friend?"

Killua looks back at him with wide eyes. Gon asked it as if…

No, it couldn't be. "Thaaaat's right. Not even my best friend," Killua declares snootily.

"Not even your best friend whom you trust most in the whole world?"

Killua chuckles ironically, refocusing Gon's attention. "Using my own words against me now, eh?"

Gon swallows fearfully. "Do you take it back?" Out of the corner of his eye, Gon catches a glimpse of something metallic on the table. _It's the knife…_

"No, of course not…"

"Then…"

Killua turns toward the door again, where the rain beats the earth and the wind howls with torment. His pale back and shoulders face Gon. "…You really want me to tell you?"

"Yeah… if it isn't too much trouble…"

Killua touches the line of slightly raised skin slashed across his upper back – reigniting the sting of the memory. His hand lowers to his side. "Milluki got really angry that I tattled on him for spending his money on an anime figure instead of something actually useful. When my parents weren't watching us, he took me to one of our dungeons and got out our sharp whip – I'd only been exposed to the smaller ones before and he had no idea how to wield it correctly, so it left a scar."

"That's terrible…" Gon's lips move before he can register it, but the words are so quiet he wonders if Killua even heard him.

"But that was a long time ago," Killua says, his voice chillingly monotone. "Over thirteen years now."

 _When he was five…?_

"The moment Milluki did it he knew he'd screwed up and called mom and dad down. They beat him good for it." Killua snickers a little, his shoulders curving inward. It sounds more like a bitter sob to Gon.

"…May I ask another question?"

After a moment too long, the stiffness surrounding Killua's body from the recollection disappears. He moves again, like an automaton brought back to life. "No, Gon. I'm done with questions for today. Let's eat."

Reluctantly, Gon hands him an apple when he turns around, which Killua takes and bites into without hesitation, his face undecipherable.

Though he regrets asking for the mood it brought in Killua, Gon can't seem to stop himself. "…Does it still hurt?"

Killua nearly spits out the apple, ready to lash out at him, _"Didn't I just say no more questions?!"_ Once seeing how serious Gon is, how his steady gaze – devoid of pity and anger – never leaves him with acute earnesty, Killua mumbles, "Only if I press on it."

 _That explains why he rarely sleeps on his back…_

"What are you thinking?" Killua inquires, narrowing his eyes.

"I just think some things make more sense now."

Killua glowers at him, though he says nothing.

It isn't until they're sitting across from each other on the wooden stools at the beaten table that Killua is reminded of the last time they were stuck in the rain. Back then it lasted only a few hours and then they had been able to go back to the city. Now they're entirely stranded… Killua isn't sure whether that's such a good thing.

He's always been fast-healing, so most of the other scars are gone – Illumi and his parents didn't want him looking like just any mercenary mottled by scars. They took care in their training – if you could call it "care." He guesses he should thank them for it, though it isn't like more scars covering his body would make him feel better or worse one way or the other – at least he doesn't _look_ like what his training had put him through? _Oh,_ he realizes, _it was probably so I could blend into crowds better._ Of course. The youth and innocence of a typical civilian. Stealth. Something his father couldn't effectively possess in a crowd, being the burly man he is. _That's why._

The thundering incites a somnolence in Killua as he chews. He proposes himself as tired, but not from walking all day – he's used to the sleep deprivation, or at least he should be. He pulls his damp T-shirt back over his head. "I'm going to bed."

"Okay," Gon says. He looks lost in his own mind as he watches Killua thoughtfully. "Do you mind if I go with you?"

"Sure."

Killua doesn't think much of his reply, but apparently it's one of _those_ nights.

When he lays down sideways on the bed of straw, Gon scooches right up behind him. Normally Killua can at least bring himself to protest – even if said protest is just for show – but for some reason, the feeling veiling over him tonight as Gon hugs him close to his chest… stops Killua.

Gon whispers in his ear, "Are you comfortable?" He already sounds like he's almost asleep.

"Yeah," Killua manages. He can't believe how hot he feels! They're both still wet from the storm – he can feel the moisture of Gon's skin passing to his own, but their shared warmth stops Killua from becoming cold again. The noise surrounding them now is predominantly of rain, the only light coming from flashes of lightning. The vibrations of thunder have moved so far in the distance, rumbling like the belly of a mountain giant.

Gon begins to squeeze Killua closer to him still, but… then he hesitates. "It doesn't hurt when I touch your back, does it?"

A shiver shoots down Killua's spine from the honest carefulness in his voice. "N-no, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

Killua is actually tempted to admit that it still stings as sharply as the serrated edge of the whip he was hit with every time the deepest spot near his left shoulder is pressed, where Gon's chest presses against him now, but the fact Gon cares so much…

"It's fine, Gon."

Gon sighs in contentment. His breath, poignant with apple juice, pricks the hairs on Killua's neck. "Good night, Killua…" His voice is so close…

"Night…"

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

In the dead cold of midnight, Killua awakes, panting. Gon is a few feet away from him now, his arms curled up by his chest, his breaths coming as faint snores.

He isn't sure what he was just dreaming, but the past is festering in his mind, scraping loudly, like a pernicious tattoo. His pupils constrict, and the cabin walls bend and fade until he can only see his hands, his nails growing sharp as razors.

He wants to leave. He needs to get out – _get out, get out, get out_ – but his lethargy isn't letting him, nor his state of mind.

 _What's happening to me?_ he wonders, clutching his head, feeling his nails dig into his scalp. _Can't I just cry instead?_

But his mind screams no, no, no.

 _You're a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don't want anything nor wish for anything. As one who lives in the shadows, you can only feel pleasure when people die._

 _It isn't true,_ Killua bites back. _It was never true!_

 _Your only concern when you meet someone is whether you should kill them._

" _That's a lie!_ " he cries out.

 _If you stay with Gon, you'll end up wanting to kill him one day. You'll want to see if you can kill him or not._

Killua lifts a clawed hand. Gon's sleeping figure drifts on the edge of his vision.

 _Because you have the soul of a killer._

His arm quivers in the air. He tries to stop himself.

A cry pierces the night.

* * *

 **I got the new Zelda game, Breath of the Wild, a little over a week ago, and I've been playing it nonstop ever since Spring Break started. It surely inspired the imagery of this chapter! (It should be called The Legend of Rain istg.)**

 **I should probably confess at this point that I have no plan for this story whatsoever and never have had one, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Please don't forget to leave your thoughts below!**


	4. Chapter 4

**~ Chapter 4 ~**

* * *

One night ago, the didactic rhythm of ocean water baltering against the ship's hull rouses him from his sleep. Rocking back and forth in bed, Gon groans, the linens suddenly cold. Hadn't Killua been holding him just a moment before? Then why is he shivering? Gon's hand paws the mattress beside him for the sleeping body of his best friend, only to find the sheets pulled back, the spot utterly empty.

Gon jumps up in bed, blinking at the shadowed furnishings of their room – how detailed and opulent they are, even in the low light. Killua is nowhere to be found. The door to the bathroom is a crack open and the lights aren't on – no sound comes from inside. He's alone.

Gon waits there a moment, as the ship carries on with its dance on the temerate sea.

Killua really left him again, in the middle of the night, without saying anything.

Gon tries not to let his emotions distract him as he gets up, but his thoughts start spinning in directions he wishes he could forever sear from his mind.

 _Why won't Killua tell me what he's doing when he sneaks off? Does he not trust me?_

Gon hesitates at the door, swaying with the motion of the ship. The kind of trust that they'd had before… had it all been a lie? And if not… then shattered when he decided to go it alone…?

 _Maybe Killua really does see me as replaceable, unreliable, and untrustworthy now…_

After all that's happened, Gon wouldn't blame him… he was selfish and unable to see how Killua _was_ there for him…

Killua had already said it wasn't his fault, but Gon can't help but feel he's lying for his sake… They wouldn't be together now if not for Alluka distancing herself, and it was Gon who asked Killua to go adventuring. Killua said yes, but…

…That can't seem to stop the pain that blooms in his heart.

Gon wishes Killua saw him the way he sees him: a singularity of all one could feel, as someone Gon will always turn back to. When, six months ago, Killua had said for Gon to tell him everything… why else would he have done that, if not because he was important? Why would he have run so long to reach him at that time when nothing else mattered… if not to save him?

 _But why –?_

Why this? Why so many words left unsaid, and sleepless nights spent alone? Before, at least they had spent their sleepless nights together.

When Gon finds Killua's back facing him at the railing in the moonlight, the air around him only darkens – everything feels heavy and morbid once again. He's trying to do this alone…

Gon won't let him.

He'd already almost made the same mistake himself. How could Killua think trying to do the same would turn out any different…?

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The first thing he hears is Killua screaming – grunting sharply in pain, at varying intervals – and the sound of ripping, stabbing, and _twisting_.

Having never heard anything like it, Gon's head whirls around the cabin at first, wondering, _What's coming?!_ when he realizes it's coming from the hunched over, trembling figure of his best friend. He's stunned; it takes him a moment to notice the dark visceral liquid dripping from Killua's arms, onto the yellowed hay between them. "Killua…? What're you doing?!"

Gon jumps to a crouching position, ready to approach him, but upon awareness of this move, Killua's legs kick out as he stumbles backward until his back hits the cabin wall. Breathing rapidly he orders, "Don't come near me!"

The source of blood is Killua's forearm, Gon sees, where Killua's fingers are embedded deeply into his skin. Crimson blood gushes from underneath. Claws extend from his outspread twitching fingertips.

Outside, rain drizzles in the background. Gon's expression changes from concern to horror. He stands up and Killua flinches back. "Killua, what happened?!" he demands forcefully.

Killua grits his teeth, not speaking. He's focused on his fingers, plunging ever deeper into his skin. Sweat beads on his forehead as his eyes squint in painful effort. Gon takes a step forward, but Killua immediately notices, dodging around him to the cabin's gaping exit, where the rain pitter patters against the earth.

"W-wait!" Gon calls, a hand flying up.

Back facing the door, Killua watches Gon, offset – as if his mind is somewhere else entirely and it takes immense effort just to look at Gon now. His claws haven't retracted yet, no longer embedded in his skin, but poised defensively on either side of him. Blood drips thickly onto the ground.

Oddly… his blood feels lukewarm, running down his arm. That's funny; it's been a while since he remembered what the sensation of his own blood felt like.

"Killua…"

Killua looks up, and sees the way Gon's nose is turned up, how all the lines on his face try to make sense of what he's seeing.

 _I'm disgusting._ Letting Gon see him like this…

Killua knows it's futile to try to run away from him now… but he turns and dashes swiftly out the door anyway.

"Ah, Killua –?!" Gon sprints after him at full speed.

The ground, blanketed by grass, moss, and soft dirt, is mushy under their bare feet. The falling rain washes away much of the blood on Killua's hands as he runs faster, his fists clenched. He can feel the sharp edges of his fingers digging into his palms, new blood mixing with that of his forearm, but that's the least of his worries right now.

 _What are you running away from?!_

He already knows – he can't face the fact that he was so close to harming Gon, the person he loves most… just like Illumi always said. Gon was so helpless, lying so vulnerable beside him…

He could have done it, and had his subconscious waited a moment longer to butt in, he _would have_.

 _Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! MURDERER!_

He shakes his head as he runs, faster and faster, rain phasing around him like quantum ripples on the edges of his vision.

 _You're a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don't want anything nor wish for anything._

Those soulless eyes, constantly sizing up his personal strength, glaring complacently at him from within.

 _As one who lives in the shadows, you can only feel pleasure when people die. Because you have the soul of a killer,_ Illumi whispers.

 _I know!_ he jeers back. _I know, dammit!_

Gon's footsteps behind Killua are keeping pace despite Killua's desperation to escape him. The trees hang over Gon in his pursuit, just out of his reach, as though laughing at him for being _always one step behind_. His sides are burning but he doesn't care – he's almost reached Killua, he can't let him get away –

In what seems to be an exaggerated trip, Gon lunges forward; a hand connects momentarily with Killua's ankle, enough to catch him off balance. They fall flat on their faces, but Killua's already up again and moving. Gon scrambles forward again, this time securing a tight shackle-like grip with both hands wrapped around Killua's ankle. He falls again.

"Get off me! Gon!" Killua shouts warningly.

"Not until you slow down!"

Killua twists around, moving to kick Gon in the face and then push him back, when he realizes his nails are still out. This moment of hesitation is enough for Gon to leap forward again, grabbing ahold of Killua's arms.

"Get off! Gon!" Killua hisses threateningly, pushing and pulling his arms from his grasp, attempting to plant his feet in a position to wrench himself free. He accidentally slashes one of Gon's arms in the process and gasps, seeing Gon's blood, as if it's his own.

As Gon struggles to keep hold of the retreating Killua, he feels a sense of déjà vu – trying to tame a frenetic animal, frightened of being deceived.

Killua stops fighting him so fervently and Gon grabs hold of his wrists, pressing his thumbs into Killua's palms to keep his claws at bay. They're sitting on their knees across from the other: Killua, drenched in sweat, watching him with misgiving eyes, Gon panting and searching his face for an answer. Only then do they hear the quietness of the rain, the chorus of croaking frogs and chirping crickets, matched against water sloughing off the trees.

Blood trickles from Killua's nails onto Gon's hands, strained from keeping hold of him. "Killua –" he starts, but Killua yanks his hands away. "Wait –!"

"I'll stop running," Killua mumbles, rubbing his wrists gingerly, red from Gon's grip.

Water drips from his eyelashes as Gon glances at the self-inflicted wound on Killua's arm. The skin is almost unrecognizable, torn until the flesh beneath was visible, even under the gushing blood. How many times did he stab himself?

"What happened back there?" Gon asks.

Killua contemplates the claws on his hands, a dark fatigue underlining his eyes. Gon feels shut off from him again.

Scooting forward, he takes one of Killua's hands into his own. Killua scowls at him as he lifts Killua's pale hand to eye level in interest. He can hardly believe what's happening, and looks away in embarrassment, which only intensifies as Gon lowers their hands. As Gon is about to probe one of the claws with a finger, Killua cries out, "Don't –!" cringing back, but Gon keeps a firm grip on him.

There's innocent admiration layered within his amber eyes, even as blood draws from the finger he used to poke the edge – and that which oozes from his upper arm. "Ouch! No wonder you got me without even trying," he mumbles. Killua can't keep fascination from seeping into his expression at how Gon handles his dagger-like fingers. How quickly his hands stop twitching as Gon rolls his hand over and over, like he was inspecting an undiscovered creature.

The fog in his head nearly dissipates altogether, and Killua looks slowly into Gon's amber eyes, but he's still looking down in concentration. Killua's claws retreat back, leaving only his fragile pale fingers.

Still, Gon doesn't look up.

"Killua."

"Y-yes?"

Gon says nothing, and Killua feels guilty.

"Let me see your arm."

"No, it's fine –"

Gon pulls him forward by his hand, and Killua sighs deeply through his nose. He looks away as Gon carefully fingers through the ragged flesh.

"A-are you done yet?!" Killua mutters a little too defensively, his head snapping back. His gut does a somersault when he sees the pain in Gon's face.

The moment his hold loosens, Killua tears his arm away.

"…What was that about, back there?"

He really doesn't know how he's going to get out of this one.

"Killua, you can't get out of this one."

Killua seals his lips shut. Where would he even start…?

The passage of time only comes with the sounds of the forest: the rain and the distant call of birds. Gon sits patiently for what feels like hours in the nighttime morass.

Killua's mind won't calm down. What can he even say to this? He really doesn't want to burden Gon with this – it isn't like there's anything he can do to change what happened in the past or the throbbing in his head. He thought removing the needle would have done that. They're just remnants from the past – he should be used to it by now, but he almost hurt Gon… hell, he did hurt him…

"You know, Killua…"

The islander boy's honey-filled voice brings Killua out of his self-induced trance, like a cat slinking back into daylight after hunting in the shadows.

"I really wish I knew more of what goes on in your head."

"…Wha?"

"Yeah." Gon suddenly feels self-conscious – his head is spinning again. There's so much he wants to say but he can't seem to phrase it correctly no matter what, so he just sits there, dumbly accepting their co-silence.

Finally, Killua mumbles, "Well, the feeling's mutual, then…"

"Huh?"

"I… wish I knew more about what you were thinking too," Killua clarifies.

"Then… why don't we agree to tell each other more often?"

Killua scoffs. "What, every time one of us has a thought we tell the other person? What kind of lame idea is that?" He folds his arms across his chest. "Just what are you suggesting?"

"What… am I… suggesting…?" Sitting cross-legged, Gon's palms clench on his knees. His head bows as he searches the ground. "If you won't tell me what you feel, then… do you have anyone else to tell…? Or why is it –?" Gon cuts himself off. He's aware of himself chattering out loud and only feels more self-conscious the longer he goes on – but he can't seem to stop no matter how hard he tries, all his emotions bundling up inside him. "I don't know, why did I say that? I guess I feel like as your best friend, I should be the one to know the most about you, but I don't know – I guess this was only in my head, and I pushed that on you and…" He forces back heartache. "And I'm sorry, Killua… for thinking things that aren't true…" _For thinking we're closer than we are…_ "I know it's all my fault we split up in the first place, and you'd probably rather be with Alluka right now than with me –" He swallows thickly. "I'm sorry for expecting the same thing from you when I've already been selfish for bringing you along with me…"

For the third time in the last few days, Killua feels the knot in his stomach twisting round and round. "No, that's not what I meant!" he blurts out, leaning forward. He doesn't understand Gon's motivation for such a speech but he certainly understands whatever guilt he's feeling now must be a mere fraction of what Gon is.

"Th-then what did you mean?" Gon asks shyly, hiding the diffidence from his expression.

"I just don't see the point… in bringing up the past…" Killua closes his eyes, sitting back. Only now, does he feel a dull sting as the rain hits his arm. "I don't like thinking about it," he admits. That alone causes his voice to tremor, and Gon feels terrible for asking.

It's too late to back out though.

"A-ah, yeah… but still… doesn't it bother you…?"

" _Doesn't it bother you?"_ Before, he would have answered without pause. _"Of course not. It's not like I ever knew any different."_ If he would have answered at all…

And now…?

… _I do know different._ He knew what it felt like to risk his life for another person. What it feels to know that all of you isn't lost to the world, that someone knows you – as much as he can. And maybe that was what spurred on all the waterworks, the fact that somehow he always knew and tried to push it away – that there was better out there… He was always told killing and deceiving was all there was to life. To know that he could never have the childhood he wanted, the life he wanted…

 _But I went along with the killings._ Something he can never escape.

"I'm more worried about the present," he says stiffly, avoiding Gon's gaze. "I don't see the point in thinking about it and bringing up the past when it serves no purpose." Something else Gon said is eating away at Killua's mind. "And I didn't agree to come with you just because I was feeling bored and rejected by Alluka – you idiot. Even if I don't want to face it, I know she has to find her own way, without me…" Killua hangs his head back, allowing the rain to hit his face. "But I… I never did." When he looks down, Gon's expression has subsumed staunch blankness. Killua almost chuckles. "I wanted to go with you, through all of it. I thought I'd made that clear before… apparently not. But don't you ever forget it." He leans forward to rest a hand on Gon's shoulder, a half-smile quirking his lips.

"Killua…" Gon laughs a little, tears in his eyes. "I'm really glad…" He wipes them away, not wanting the proclivity of this scene to detract from his words. "But how can you say… it serves no purpose to bring up the past, even though I woke up to find you like that…"

He's barely audible, and Killua feels like someone's squeezing his heart.

"Killua, I want to be special to you… I…" Gon's face feels tight and warm all of a sudden, his breathing arrests, eyes unfocused…

" _Idiot!_ " Killua barks.

"E-eh?" He blinks thrice in confusion.

"Haven't you realized it yet?!" Killua shouts in exasperation. The words of a certain conman flash through his mind. " _Are you daft?! You're already Gon's friend!"_ ―the words that saved his life.

He says, with all the transparent honesty he can muster, "You already are special to me."

"R-really?" Gon's expression is unfathomable.

"Really," affirms Killua.

"…KILLUA!"

"AH – WAIT A SEC –!"

The catharsis of Gon's hug leaves Killua feeling ravished – he's on his back now, and can see the stars through the chalky rainclouds.

Just twenty minutes ago, he'd been ready to run away from Gon forever – something he'd been prepared to do throughout their adventures in the past… With Gon clinging onto him and the rain falling on his face –

He's just fine.

The coldness of the muddy ground dampens his clothes and bare legs, but warmth erupts in his chest from the closeness of his dearest friend.

Gon leans back and grins widely. Seeing the surprise on Killua's face, the stifled smile playing across his lips, Gon is reminded why Killua's being hesitant.

"You have to promise to tell me one day, though."

A question arises on Killua's face.

"Everything that's happened and all that you're thinking."

"Everything?!"

"That's right."

Killua flushes beneath Gon. "I'll do my best…"

"Good. Then let's go back –" Gon sits back and tries to pull Killua along by the arm – the one unmarred by skin trauma – but Killua doesn't budge.

"Gon… maybe I should sleep somewhere else for a while –"

"What are you talking about?"

Killua blushes from the immediate firmness of Gon's voice, but he isn't backing down either. "I… I almost hurt you."

"But you didn't," says Gon.

"But I almost did!" he cries out. "Do you realize… I wouldn't be able to forgive myself… if anything happened to you…" _Which it already almost did… and that was my fault too._

Gon turns back to him, still clutching his arm. "I don't really want to sleep alone…"

"Is that the only reason you can come up with…?!" Killua mutters embarrassedly.

Gon sighs, hearing the birds waking up around them. The rainclouds are nearly depleted of their water stores, and the sky transforms into a soft blue. "…It's morning now anyway… Wanna keep going?"

They walk back to the entrance of the cabin, and Killua waits outside as Gon retrieves his bag. _Tell him "everything"?_ he wonders, listening to the last of the raindrops hitting the damp earth beneath his toes. Morning mist swirls around him now.

… _I'm sorry, Gon… I don't think I'll be able to keep that promise._

* * *

 **I've been really trying hard to include Gon's feelings and perspective as much as Killua's throughout the story thus far, since generally, within the fandom Gon is the most misinterpreted and ignored character, which really is a shame. (During my last rewatch, he became my favorite character, in fact.) I've also gone back and edited each of the previous chapters to add more of Gon's thoughts. I tried to do the same as I wrote this chapter, obviously!**

 **Man, I have been busy with the end of senior year of high school fast-approaching. I've only had time to write this story and not even a lot. I'm going to include more flashbacks as the story continues from here on out, filling in what happened before Gon and Killua split with Alluka, but after their reunion…**

 **I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and will leave your thoughts below~**


	5. Chapter 5

**~ Chapter 5 ~**

* * *

It was December – the streets were alive with the muted sounds of indoor parties, and the contiguously arranged tile-roofed buildings had gutters lined with lanterns emitting warm light onto the dark snow. The town was small, and quiet when the Zoldyck siblings arrived.

Killua looked nervously from side to side, Alluka's hand grasped in his. His breath shown misty white as he searched for the name of the building Gon had said the other Hunters had rented out for the holidays.

They'd been wanting to meet up for a while now, but when the opportunity finally presented itself, it was by mere coincidence. Gon mentioned that everyone from their Chimera Ant Extermination Unit (and a few others) would be celebrating New Years in a town in Jappon, the home country of the ninja Hanzo.

Killua happened to be nearby already, touring an island off the coast of the mainland with Alluka. Killua debated even telling Gon of his whereabouts when he first told him where the group would be meeting.

…What if they had changed so much that they could hardly talk with one another? Would they even get along now?

Even as a message disclosing his general location was sent – before he could overthink it – he could hardly suppress his spreading anxiety. These questions and more roiled hotly in Killua's mind for the next few weeks, adjuring him incessantly. However, after awkwardly prattling back-and-forth about the event, Killua wondered if a meeting had been Gon's original intention all along, though Gon was careful not to say it… and had the courage to ask for their exact address.

It was nighttime in the town now, but him and Alluka hadn't been walking for long. They'd only just arrived from the train station not far off.

Eventually, his blue eyes fixed on the correct building, and he stopped before the door. Alluka squeezed his fingers gently, inquiring with her upward gaze.

"I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, brother," she said.

"Yeah," said Killua breathlessly, not even looking at his sister. His heart was beating too fast to really hear her. "What if he doesn't even recognize me?" he blurted out. "What if I don't recognize _him_?" His fingers loosened on hers, becoming sweaty, and his head turned to the snowy streets on either side of them. "Maybe I should –"

Alluka leaned forward and promptly rapped on the sliding door before he could get far. Too terrified to send a grimace her way, Killua sucked in a breath as shadows moved in the rented teahouse. He'd already sent Gon a text saying he was almost there, so –

The door opened, and for a split second, Killua blinked through him before fixing on his face. "Ah, hey."

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua stuck noticeably close to Alluka during the first week, but Gon didn't ask him about it. They'd kept in contact only through texts and the occasional phone call over the last three years. Being together again wasn't nearly as awkward as either of them had feared, though there was certainly a difference.

At first after they parted, neither had wanted to be the one to initiate communication for fear the other had changed his mind altogether about being friends. The longing looks and unspoken words that lingered in the air between them as they had turned away at the World Tree – what if he'd sensed wrongly…?

One day Alluka had called Gon _for_ Killua, seeing how torn up he was about it – and even if Gon hadn't answered right away, that reestablished a connection. When it wasn't face-to-face, anyway…

The others helped cushion their interactions at the teahouse. Their long-standing Nen master Bisky Krueger was present, as were Knuckle, Shoot, Palm, Morel, Knov, Meleoron, Ikalgo, and of course their generous, and just as aggravatingly talkative host, Hanzo.

New Years wasn't for another few weeks, but between the group of separated Chimera Ant War veterans, there was always something lively going on. Killua hadn't planned on staying long, until he saw how much Alluka was enjoying herself. After so many pretentious greetings and the shakings of hands, bowing on the first few nights, he secured a room and scoped the area with Gon and Alluka during the day. At night they sat near the outer rim of the main room of the teahouse, outside all the commotion – as many of the adults had become quite drunk. Upon laying her sights on Alluka when all her hair was down, Bisky came rushing over, her hands clasped, and stuck her shining eyes in Alluka's face.

"My goodness, what lovely hair! I absolutely _have_ to let Cookie do something with it!"

Alluka shot Killua a nervous glance from the strangely young appearance of a vociferously older woman, but he smiled and nodded to her, so Alluka allowed Bisky to prance her happily back to the larger table. She was welcomed by Knuckle who immediately moved aside to make space for her at the table. Morel bellowed in greeting, positively _pandering_ drunkenness, as Bisky apparated Cookie to "do something about that hair." While Cookie's hands worked through the younger Zoldyck's shining black locks, Hanzo, Knuckle, and Shoot chatted her up, commenting on Alluka's natural beauty, which made her blush quite a lot, and asking her all about her adventures with her brother.

Meleoron sat just on the outside of most of the chaos with a cup of saké and Knov, who had abstained from drinking more than enough to make his cheeks tinge red beneath the shadow of his cap. Palm and Ikalgo sat at a smaller table with Gon and Killua – the only four who weren't buzzed out of their heads, minus Alluka and Cookie. They couldn't help watching Gon and Killua. They hadn't said much to each other since arriving, not even while exploring the town. It was mostly the ordinary directional conversations: the "where do you want to go next?"s and the "let's go into this shop"s. Not that their texts had always been so stiff – but still, it was weird being around the other again.

Gon noticed how Killua watched Alluka as she conversed with everyone. His smooth apropos from before – as he greeted everyone the last few days, including Gon – was all an elaborate display of false equanimity. Gon guessed it from how his hands were clasped tightly in his lap beneath the table beside him. He was on edge, being around everyone again.

…Or was it because of him?

Gon turned back to the others, keeping his dry lips clenched shut. _Probably just my ego talking…_

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The Zoldyck siblings shared a small suite, but Killua was grateful to Bisky for doting so much on Alluka. Over the last three years, he'd felt unable to do more than protect her from harm, especially with how difficult it was for him to talk about the past. Then again, it's not like that was any different from before.

She became excited to go out to the shoppes every day with Bisky and Palm, to see the girly things Killua had never been interested in other than to humor his younger sister. Hanzo was stocked full of tourist attractions that he paraded everyone around to visit when he wasn't caught up in his ninja work, otherwise each person had their own group with whom to venture through the town and surrounding areas at their leisure – well, all except…

On the fourth day, Killua sat on the deck outside his and Alluka's suite. His legs hung lazily over the patio as he looked into the courtyard with its garden and the small stream running through it under the teahouse. For almost every waking moment the past three years, he'd had Alluka by his side… now being alone felt… bizarre.

Most of the snow had melted, but it was still cold, so he headed back through the sliding door in his room and through another toward the pantry, where all the food was being kept.

Of course, he ran into Gon in the hallway.

The tan-skinned boy's eyes widened in panic upon spotting him, and he hesitated in his step. Gon had become rather lanky in the last three years, yet his movements were as swift and springy as ever – not enough for Killua to overlook his trepidation. With the white sleeveless shirt and camo-green pants he wore, he seemed taller than Killua ever would have thought possible. His form wasn't fully developed yet either – or maybe he just hadn't been training that much since the… incident.

"Ah – a-are you getting something in the kitchen?" he asked, one hand clasping his elbow.

"Yeah. Alluka isn't back yet, so I thought I'd grab a bite," said Killua, a hand on one hip.

"Yeah…"

Killua had planned on this exchange being curt and to the point like before, but Gon stayed rooted in place, avoiding his eyes. His fingers tapped his arm.

"Say, uh, Killua…" There was an apprehensive hopeful gleam in his gaze when he looked at him. "Do you think you'd… like to go out and do something?"

"I don't know." Killua glanced at the empty room to his right, never changing his posture. "Alluka's supposed to get back soon, so I should probably wait for her."

Gon's face fell. His form seemed to cave inward. "Oh… yeah… I guess you're right."

Killua had realized too late Gon had been asking for some time alone. "But maybe we could do something tomorrow," he quickly blurted. "Once they've left." He collected himself by the end, but was still flustered by his initial brazen tone of voice.

Gon's cheeks lit immediately, spreading in a smile. His hand dropped to his side as he nodded once. "Sure! Also, Killua," he said as he walked beside Killua to the pantry, "I was wondering if you'd found any good candy shops while you were traveling."

"We did – but none of them carried ChocoRobos, so I only bought _half_ a year's supply of what they had."

Gon laughed at him, throwing his head up. "Eating so much sugar as always. You know it isn't good for you, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, like you haven't already told me a thousand times!"

"Haha!"

And just like that – it had been as if they never separated at all.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

They've been running for hours. The grassy countryside has melted away into a rocky forest path that scales the side of a small mountain. Behind that, more mountains crest the landscape, extending into a range in the foreign land. (Actually, Sahelta is the country in which Yorknew City resides, though the dark lights of the metropolis lie quite a ways southward.) The sky is still overcast from last night's storm, but the windy road has faded away into a straight dirt path through the woods. Running uphill is starting to tire Killua a bit, more than he would like it to, but he can easily go another ten miles like this before his legs start to burn.

However, Gon stops abruptly on the dirt path.

Killua skids to a halt as well. "What is it, Gon? Do you need to rest?" Killua is surprised by how rapid his own breath is. _Damn, I'm really out of practice. So many calm walks through the countryside with Alluka really fattened me up, didn't it?_

Gon's attention is fixated on the side of the path. After staring for a moment, he walks behind a tree and bends over to pluck something from the ground. With a purple bell-shaped flower in one hand, he approaches Killua with the other outstretched expectantly.

Killua doesn't understand and retracts slightly until Gon's eyes crinkle in a pitying humor. "Give me your arm, silly."

So here they are, Killua with his chin in his hand and looking the other way as Gon grinds up the purple flower and its sharp green leaves in his hands. He drops it into a bowl, taken from their yellow bag, and swirls it around, adding water. _He likely sniffed that out with that unbelievable nose of his,_ Killua thinks. It's probably no later than seven in the morning, judging from the position of the sun and the alertness of the animals. Gon already used some of their water to clean out the wound and demanded Killua sit still while he does the rest – though it's proving hard for the ex-assassin. He isn't sure he's ever done this before, let someone else treat his wounds while he was conscious. When he was alone it didn't matter how much it hurt, but with someone else –

"Ow!" Killua's ears light up. He was so distracted by his thoughts that he forgot to put them to action. "Just what are you doing?" he asks to distract Gon and himself – though he hasn't noticed or doesn't care – from the fact that he cried out in pain.

"Well it's pretty deep," says Gon, focusing on Killua's left arm, "so this should soothe the skin around it and kill any infections. That'll allow it to heal faster."

"…How do you know all this stuff, you plant freak?"

"Whale Island is full of all kinds of plants. Besides, I had a lot of free time."

Gon doesn't smile when he says any of this.

Killua swallows, forcing down his personal disquietude. "Gon, are you…?"

Before he can finish his sentence, a particularly large glob of Gon's herbal remedy drops into the wound. Killua leans forward, shaking, as his other hand convulses above his lacerated arm.

"Ah! I'm so sorry! It isn't supposed to go in the wound!" Gon cries, tearing up leaves from around them and applying pressure, haphazardly trying to scoop it out.

Doing his best not to make a sound, Killua moans, "G… get it off…"

…

"There!" Gon declares.

Much to Killua's astonishment – and discomfiture – the application of Gon's simple panacea has stopped the throbbing in his arm, and he feels he can move it more freely now.

"Why don't we eat breakfast as long as we're stopped?" Gon asks.

Apples are the main dish once again, and they have plenty of them. It wouldn't make sense to start a fire and potentially waste their flint when they'll quickly be moving on. While chewing slowly, Gon's head darts from side to side, as if watching something. Swallowing, he comments quietly, "It's always fun seeing how each forest sounds…"

"Do the forests of Whale Island sound really different from out here?" Killua inquires, clutching a huge, bright red apple in both hands.

Gon turns to him. "Of course! Can't you tell?! Whale Island is so small that everything gets hard to distinguish from another." He waves an arm at the coniferous trees around them. "This forest is so large that it sounds rustic! It's so vast compared to home…" Gon's hands drop slightly closer to his lap, taking it all in.

Killua peers at him from the corner of his eye. "You miss it, don't you?"

"Yes, but… not really. I can always go back. I've already spent so much time there by myself…" _I could recount everything on the island without even having to look… especially after you left._ "Nothing's really changed in the last six years since I left for the Hunter Exam."

"Must be nice," Killua says. He realizes how sarcastic that sounded and hastily amends, "To know a place so well, I mean."

"Yeah… Do you ever think of home, Killua? I mean, not your family, but… any specific place?"

"Not really. Well, there was a spot I used to sit behind an abandoned training arena on the edge of the grounds to escape my family – I was rarely found there. Sometimes Grandpa would sit with me and we could talk for a little while before someone else found us out and scolded him for doting on me." He bites ravenously into his apple and slouches a little as he chews, thinking sadistic thoughts.

"Eeeh? You were even rebellious in that?" Gon asks curiously.

"Yeah, but it's not like I usually could be. Only when Illumi was gone or I had learned the new route past my mother's cameras and avoided her butler spies – pretty much every other moment they were watching me to make sure I didn't do something off-track." _Huh? That came right out of my mouth…_

"Wow, she even has cameras set up across the grounds?" Gon sits back a little. "That explains how she knew we arrived so quickly."

"Yeah…" He lets the conversation drift into oblivion, wondering if what he said was okay as Gon tosses the core of one apple aside and reaches in their bag for the next. Just how many unusual things could he tell about the Zoldyck Family to an outsider, he wondered…?

They're nearly to the top of the mountain they've been climbing for upwards of three hours now. The path is so faint that Killua wonders if they lost the main one long ago, but he realizes he isn't particularly worried; they have enough apples and toadstools to last another five days, if need be.

When they reach the top, a beautiful vista is revealed to them: magnificent pinetrees dot the landscape of snow-capped mountains, increasingly taller in the distance. The altitude they're at now has been enough only to make their ears pop once, and the air is still crisp enough for woodland creatures to dwell in the trees. Or, on one side, there remains a seaside path.

"The man at the information desk back in town said that the city of airships was located in the mountains," remarks Killua.

"Yeah, I remember," says Gon, eyeing the seaside. "Maybe we should take a detour?"

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

It's midday by the time they reach the shoreline, and the clouds and wind are picking up once more. Dashing toward the water, Gon strips to his underwear and dives in. When he resurfaces, he waves at Killua to join him. Grinning and shaking his head, Killua pulls off each of his shoes, his pants, and his shirt over his head and wades in after him.

"What made you dive in here without a second thought, you idiot?!" His feet are only barely touching the rocky-sandy sea floor as he treads forward. Yet again, he's surprised by how comfortable his arm feels in the saltwater. "It's so cold!"

"I don't care – I wanna swim!" And with that he holds his breath and dunks his head underneath.

"You're so thick in the head," Killua calls after him, following suit.

The waves have picked up from the oncoming aftermath of last night's storm – or perhaps this is a new brewing altogether – either way, the swim doesn't last as long as they would have liked. Thunderclouds spark in the distance over the ocean, but Killua lays down on the sand, face-up, with his arms crossed behind his head as Gon explores the sand for hidden treasures. It's nice to relax after being up for most of the night…

After a while, Killua decides to see what Gon's up to. He's collected a menagerie of decaying sealife: barnacles, sponges, countless bivalves and rocks, even washed up jellyfish and seaweed.

"Jeez, Gon! What the hell are you doing with all that stuff?!"

Gon's eyes are shining. "It's cool, isn't it?! I wanna take it back with us –!"

"YOU CAN'T TAKE _ALL_ OF IT!"

When Gon pouts at him, Killua adds, "It won't fit in the bag with the food and all our clothes and supplies."

Gon sighs, allowing the pertinacity in his expression to subside. "Fine, I guess you're right…"

He settles on a few rocks and leaves the rest for the sea, which churns now with the swirling storm.

Nighttime falls over the shoreline. With the returning curtain of such numinous weather, they search for a place to make camp. An illecebrous grotto catches their attention on the mountainous side of the shore, dry enough for them to – finally – make a fire. Rain begins to whorl in the outside world, sending a gust of cool air into the cavernous grotto.

After a palatable dish of smoked salmon – god, they hadn't had such protein-rich food in weeks! – Gon lays by the fire. Its light hardly touches the far walls of the grotto, he notes, head leaning on his arm. The sand beneath him is so soft it feels like a blanket of fine grosgrain on his arms, back, and legs. Killua crouches near the fire as he finishes his meal, then chucks the fishbones out the grotto's opening, into the rain.

They still haven't redressed after their ocean swim. The air and sand feels so good, it's hard to find a reason to. As Killua walks back and lays down beside Gon, hands curled on his stomach, he closes his eyes. Gon finds himself staring.

Idly, as he dozes off, Killua wonders how much longer they're going to avoid getting back on track to Greed Island – not that he minds it. He's entertaining himself with a daydream about running down the windy beach, his eyes on the golden heels of his best friend kicking up white sand a few paces in front of him, when –

That's three days in a row now…

"What are you doing?" Killua asks, barely awake. His arm and leg tingle where Gon's hands and feet have hooked around him. This is strange… Gon was rarely bold enough to sleep so close and certainly not this often. When Gon doesn't answer, Killua opens his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Gon hastily lets go, feeling embarrassed. "Uhh –" He rubs the back of his head, hiding his shock and terror as he bows forward, hands digging into the sand. "Sorry! I… I guess I just thought…" He's not sure how to finish his sentence, unable to find the words…

Killua's eyes widen.

Gon tries again. "With how we'd been… the last few days…"

Killua has no idea what to say.

"…Well," he says finally, breaking the silence, "I'm going to sleep." He turns over, away from Gon, but he remains wide awake as he listens for Gon's every move.

He stays in place. "Okay… I'm sorry…"

Killua's face contorts in anguish when he whips back around. "You don't –!" He pauses to take a deep breath. "It's fine."

Gon's face is masked in confusion.

Killua roars internally at himself before turning back around – nearly slapping his hands over his face as he clutches his head on both sides.

"Good night," says Gon reluctantly.

"Night!" Killua gasps.

Gon doesn't understand why Killua's shoulders continue to tremble long after he's moved away. With how hot the fire is still going… surely, he isn't cold…

* * *

 **Oh boy, this chapter was a struggle. But a good one, nonetheless. I've been meaning to update for a while but gosh, graduation was so busy and now I'm going to have a job by this Monday! Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed reading it – I certainly enjoyed writing it, and I really hope I'll be able to write the story more smoothly from here~**


	6. Chapter 6

**~ Chapter 6 ~**

* * *

The rain reminds him of home, tapping gently against his window above the rolling waves of the sea. The sand is his soft blankets and pillow – their fire, the lights down the hall…

He was safe back then, surrounded by the comfort of his home. Though that wasn't how it always was. He used to walk through the woods alone – sobbing, hungry, scared – without a way home. He'd disobeyed Mito again and ran away in an effort to escape the smallness of his world… He hated the feeling of the forest – its darkness, even in daytime… What evil things crept in waiting that he wouldn't see coming until it was too late…?

After meeting Kite, he'd realized how much wonder it beheld, and spent all his time away from the village before leaving for the Hunter Exam… but he was always alone. He saw so much that only he could appreciate in his solitude while exploring the vast terrains of Whale Island, and longed to understand what made such a life so alluring to Ging…

When Killua was with him and they'd explored Whale Island together, it was entirely different – as if he could see the world through a different lens with his best friend at his side. They shared in an adventure he could never forget, joking and laughing together… not just on Whale Island, but through it all…

Being able to cherish moments of triumph, sadness, and hardship with him… was everything Gon could have wanted.

They could do anything as long as they were together.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

As promised, once Alluka was on her way with Bisky and Palm, Gon met Killua at the teahouse front. After the initial awkwardness of the days before, they'd spend the remainder of yesterday together, telling the other all he'd done in the last three years in a corner closed off from the rest gathered in the main room. They talked and joked, right up until Alluka all but fainted from socializing – so Killua carried her to their room.

The morning air was crisp as they crossed over a small bridge into the lively shopping district of the antiquarian Japponian town. Women in kimono clicked by in high geta, men hefting rickshaws trotted along, and all kinds of items were being sold left and right. The place buzzed with the shouts of merchants, sailors, and buyers; traders of fish and fresh produce, jewelry and other trinkets.

As Gon looked around in awe, mouth open, eyes glowing, Killua's hands were stuck in the pockets of his denim shorts. The silver-haired boy wore a black T-shirt, buckled leather bracelets, and metal necklaces with designs of chainlinks, fangs, and military tags. Gon wore camo-green capris, brown boots, and a sleeveless white shirt that made his complexion pop out stunningly.

During their conversations the night before, the dim illumination of the teahouse had deceived Killua's eyes – he'd picked up only minimally on the ever-changing enthusiasm on his best friend's face – and before then he'd been too apprehensive to look Gon fully in the face for too long. Now in full daylight, he remembered why Gon's expressions were always so interesting to him. His hands moved constantly up and down in excitement at all the items before him, his golden-tan arms drawing up to his chest. His amber eyes glistened with the reflections of merchant tables lined with gems: ruby, malachite, and citrine in color. Each time he turned to show something to Killua, his cheeks spread broadly in infectious smiles.

Indeed, Killua found himself grinning – and he couldn't seem to stop no matter how much he chided himself.

Gon noticed how lazily content Killua's expressions were, pervading his every move and action – though Gon gave little indication of his awareness; just having Killua near again had already made this trip so much better. Staying with the others after all that had happened… Well, it wasn't the same without Killua – not that it had ever been. And he'd feared Killua would remain distant when he arrived…

The obviously feigned annoyance on his best friend's face, as Gon dragged him around the people and shoppes, quelled these fears burbling in his chest.

More than once, Gon grabbed Killua's wrist to take him somewhere – and somehow, the ex-assassin couldn't stop himself from thinking about the past. His cheeks steamed, and he felt light, and happy, like the same goofy kid he used to be whenever he was around Gon. He wasn't sure why, even after all this time, and everything else…

Back then, he'd certainly had no idea what such happiness meant. Friendship wasn't something he was used to…

 _Yeah… that has to be it…_

"Killua." Gon's fingers were closed around his wrist again. It was the first time they had slowed down since the start of their outing.

Killua wondered if he should address it, the grip on his arm. _The idiot is probably oblivious like always,_ he figured, but…

Gon looked confused now, as though aware of something for the first time – yet he kept a firm grip.

Finally, Killua asked, "What is it?" unable to take the awkward silence.

All at once, Gon's consubstantial face broke. His eyes widened slightly, and he hastily let go. "Aa-ah, we should go get something to eat," he said quickly, spinning around and marching the other direction.

Killua cocked a curious eyebrow at him before following.

The café they picked was located in a more modern part of town, with round tables scattered on the sidewalk outside. Killua ordered a custard pudding cake the moment the waitress spotted them, and sent a mischievous smirk Gon's way – expecting Gon to scowl and tell him eating so many sweets was terrible for his health and teeth – but Gon seemed intent upon studying the menu instead.

As the waitress left, Killua sighed at him in disappointment. "Hey Gon, why'd we pick this place if you're just gonna order soup? We could get real food somewhere else, y'know." Already, he was back to his jibing self and took to teasing Gon – it was hard not to.

Gon's speech was hasty and nervous. "I know – I just thought it would be nice to go somewhere different for once?"

Once the waitress returned with Killua's pudding and soda, and Gon's soup and juice, Killua thought he felt the eyes of the other waitresses gathered near the door boring into his back. Reaching out with Nen, their auras swirled with humor and scrutiny. What could be so amusing to them?

Killua shrugged and didn't think any more of it.

After their meal, Gon found an abandoned road that led back to the residential area of town. Long-since-evicted crumbling buildings surrounded them. Shutters clanged against each other, wafting in the air; weary greens and oranges spray-painted over still-standing metal doors. Thick grooved metal pipes stuck out of lonely walls where buildings once lay, bent in odd shapes that reached out toward the sky.

Surprisingly, it wasn't eerie. The entire place exuded waves of tentative curiosity – of a place that had once been beautiful, now forgotten, just waiting to be unearthed again…

Walking beside him in the seclusion, Gon half-gasped, "Killua, I'm really glad we decided to meet up again."

A smile split Killua's face – the same one since that morning, it seemed. "Me too," he answered without thinking, glancing momentarily at Gon.

Startled by Killua's easygoingness, Gon went on. "It's been really fun hanging out again."

Now Gon's elocution was perfect and polite, just like Killua always remembered… and yet… his voice lacked the innocence it'd had before…?

Gon stopped walking, so Killua stopped too, removing his hands from his pockets.

Gon shook his head, smiling – strangely. He didn't look at Killua. "It's nothing," he said as he continued to smile. Lifting his head, the same boyish grin beamed at him from their adventures before. "Let's go back, shall we?"

As they walked side-by-side, Killua mentally slapped himself. His pale fingertips nearly brushed against Gon's tan ones, so he shoved his hands back in his pockets and slouched forward with a grouchy – then disheartened – expression.

 _Don't get too full of yourself, now,_ he scolded. Killua stuck out his tongue at his self of reason. Sadly, it was right.

No sooner had Killua accepted his fate than the other boy looked back at him with those intriguing amber eyes, engaging him in a conversation about – well, it didn't really matter. Anything Gon said was interesting to him.

For the time being, Killua forgot his misgivings.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The crackles of the fire awake Gon in the middle of the night, and he knows why.

He's alone again.

Panic sets in.

He raises himself on his hands, head whirling about the cavernous sandy grotto, to find –

 _Oh…_

At the entrance – about twenty feet away – is Killua, sitting with his legs drawn near his chest, his figure outlined by the dark rain falling on the seashore.

Relief sweeps over Gon. Killua didn't run away this time – but to have him so far away… it's still startling.

 _He could leave one night without saying anything… For three years again… Or more…_

The light of the fire is all but gone – the logs spit up embers every once in awhile. The wind moans as Gon stands. He treads carefully through the sand, toward his friend's sequestering effigy. He wonders if Killua hears him – probably, knowing him, but Killua makes no sign of it. Not until Gon is sitting beside him.

Gon doesn't say anything to Killua's yonderly look, he just stares out at the cold rain. Killua's hand tightens on his arm and he rotates his flocculent head, elbows poised on his knees, hands twitching slightly. There's a line in the sand where the protection of the grotto ends. The rain dyes the pure white sand of the cave a heavy greyish-brown, only a little ways past their feet – their soles pressed into the soft ground. There's a faint whizzing sound from the sudden drop in temperature, though the ocean's waves are still louder over the rain. No animals are awake at this hour. The seashore is too rocky to harbor more than crabs, burrowing sand creatures, and a few seabirds. Despite the clouds, the scenery outside is lighter than the darkness of the cave. Checking over his shoulder, Killua sees only a thin speck of red emitting from the fire.

Gon knows his friend has been brooding over something – the shadows beneath his absent eyes give that away easily enough, especially when combined with his hollow presence, for Killua's aura is subdued and withdrawn as he looks back at the grey ocean.

"Doesn't look like it's past midnight yet," Gon observes. He points up. "Yeah, you can see the sky behind the rain clouds sometimes. Look."

Killua looks. He can't see anything past the thick allover of grey that covers the sky… No wait… he spots the dark cracks of cerulean that cut through the grey – revealing a sky bedazzled with bright stars.

They watch it together, for a time…

Killua's silver-blue eyes are glazed – as if his mind has been somewhere else for so long that he can hardly recall reality anymore.

The dampness in the air makes droplets form on Killua's skin, causing him to shiver. When he's in this state, he can't control of his body's maintenance functions – unlike usual. He knows his trembling from last night… hadn't been from embarrassment.

"Do you remember when we were on Whale Island, looking up at the sky?" Gon asks. Auric hands hover over the sand between his legs. From Gon's bulging shoulder muscles, Killua sees the gash he left the other night when he was retreating with his claws, a cleanly cut light scar on Gon's dark skin. Killua had nearly forgotten about it after they'd spent yesterday acting as if nothing was wrong…

He knows what Gon's trying to do; his gaze falls to the wet sand just beyond their feet. "Gon, I…"

Gon turns to him in alarm – at how weak he sounds – really starting to fear what Killua was thinking about.

Killua feels his stomach leap into his throat. His head jerks back, forced lucidity reentering his eyes. "Ah, never mind." A bittersweet smirk appears on his lips. _I still can't say it…_ "I just couldn't sleep – is all." _I can't say what's actually on my mind…_ "Could we –?" He bars himself from finishing.

He was about to say: _Could we go back to sleep?_ but no… He can't…

He woke up again in an utter mess – too lost in his mind to realize where he was or what he was doing, until he saw Gon sleeping next to him in the sand… The sound of Gon's breaths calmed him so he could get away this time, but the images… the memories…

He had to get away from Gon before he did something unforgivable.

Gon watches Killua struggle with what to say. His act isn't fooling Gon – his eyes keep unfocusing and refocusing, pale fingers clenching and unclenching in the sand…

 _Gon still doesn't know just how close I was to hurting him,_ Killua chokes out in doesn't know how often he wishes he could hurt his family – make them suffer and pay for what they've done – though he hardly questioned their morals throughout it all… So does he even deserve to think of himself as any different…?

Gon doesn't know how often he still hears Illumi's voice trilling in his head – urging him to kill, that it's his only defense, his only option the moment something goes wrong – how the same blackness grips his heart. _Keep on killing!_ _Keep on lying!_ _Falsify it all like the murderer you truly are…! And that's all you'll ever be._

Gon doesn't know how many times he's cried since he realized what he's become, seeing who he used to be…

So much of it… was thanks to Gon… And he feels stupid for believing he can ever truly escape what he's done, who he is. He's stupid for believing he can change any more than he already has…

Even after all this time… he can't seem to.

He resorted to murder when Gon was in trouble. He resorted to threats and blackmail when people gave him and Alluka a hard time on their journey – not knowing they were of the Zoldyck Family – mistaking them for innocent children.

 _At heart, I'm still an assassin. I haven't changed at all. I almost hurt Gon… I almost…!_ _I could have –!_

Last night, and the night before… it was too much…

…Gon doesn't know how Killua longs for his touch and cannot dare to say it…

Being so close to someone without any barriers… it always ensnared him in memories of the past. When his family members used to have to force him to take the beatings, their hands gripping him rapaciously as they restrained him. Their chillingly soft, close, and soothing voices assuring him that it was all worth it – that the torture _couldn't hurt that bad_ if it meant to make him stronger, and he would become the best assassin to ever live – the culmination of all the Zoldycks before him – the most skilled and revered professional murderer for his way with death and suffering…

He believed them.

That was so long ago now – everything from that time feels like nothing more than a fog in his mind. Killing lost its luster, and the searing torture faded to a dull ache.

It wasn't worth anything. They had lied.

After removing Illumi's needle, he'd been able to forget what it felt like these last three years – letting someone control him. Because being with Gon had been enough…

It was enough to let him pretend he was a normal kid for once, for those two years before the war, at least…

But, after being apart for so long… knowing what he really needs… what he truly desires…

"Gon… just what are you hoping to do…?"

Killua's voice is barely recognizable – solemn and low, not a single hint of his jaunty best friend. Gon watches him in fearful concern. "What?"

"I mean, with this trip…" says Killua. "After we get to Greed Island, then what…?"Gon's lost look reminds Killua of the face he wore before they parted at the World Tree, along with the words, _"This is no good, if we stay here any longer…"_ However, this time Gon looks frightened as well as confused.

It's his fault for not telling Gon sooner, how he feels… driving Gon to risk everything in a lonely suicide mission…

He hates how his artless actions don't match his words, hurting everyone around him…

 _If we keep this up…_

Then…?

 _I just! Can't! Say it!_

 _I don't know how much more of this I can bear, Gon…_

A grin grows on Gon's lips and Killua feels his stomach do a bellyflop. "I was going to ask you the same thing," says Gon. "Remember when we were on Whale Island, sitting like this under the stars? We promised to stick together, until you found what you truly wanted…"

 _Of course I remember,_ Killua wants to retort. _How could I not…?_

"I'm really glad you found what you wanted to do, traveling with Alluka…" _Actually,_ he suppresses from saying aloud, _it made me really sad…_

 _Please, Gon… you don't know what you're saying…_

"I'm glad you had a good time with her." _But I really missed you…_

"Oh…?" _I didn't leave because I wanted to, though that was part of it…_

"Yeah…" Gon buries his toes in the sand, wiggling them until they poke through the surface. He says nothing more, trying to distract himself from the longing spreading from his gut. He wants to take Killua's hands in his own and hold him near – to never let go – but…

If he did that, Killua might run away again… farther and faster than Gon could ever hope to catch up to him… There's no way he can do such a thing.

Killua hates to bring up what he's thinking when Gon seems so sad. He wishes he could live in a haze, like during those idyllic years that feel like a distant reverie. He knows he has to say something, lest something worse happens later on.

"Gon… there's something I should tell you."

Immediately, Gon's gaze fixes on him in fear – as well as eagerness.

"I want to go with you to Greed Island," says Killua, "but…"

The rain fills the void of silence. His words drift away with the rolling sea…

Gon slowly lets go of the breath he'd been holding. "But…?"

 _What it seems like you're trying to do…_ "This…" Killua sucks in. "I can't."

For the first time since they started talking, Killua's voice is something other than monotone. His voice cracked on the last word.

Gon doesn't understand. "…What?"

Killua gathers himself best he can, but his head spins round and round as he remembers slivers of the past – the good and the bad. His family's lies and manipulation, against Gon's honest, affectionate words, all to be destroyed by _it means nothing to you_ and an explosion that shattered everything he thought he knew…

Encumbered by an infernal repetition of _I can't I can't I can't I can't_ rather than the words he can never say aloud, "I can't do it," is all he's able to say.

Gon wracks his mind for what he could possibly mean. _He can't… "do it"? Is "it" Greed Island…?_

Before everything had fallen apart, when they still had the childish notion that they could rule the world, they'd played the deadliest game… It was when they were closest, but like back then… Killua is still so far away…

"…Do you want to part ways here?"

Gon's voice trembles and Killua turns toward him in distress, knowing full well what he'll see – dark, sunken eyes, and the shell of the boy he adores with all his heart. _Why can't I say it?! How many times will it take until I can finally get something right?!_ "No – DON'T YOU DARE THINK I WOULD LEAVE YOU AGAIN!"

In such a rush of emotion, Killua rose to his knees and took hold Gon's arms, violently shaking him. Gon watches Killua in shock, not moving an inch. Killua's damp, pale chest heaves in frustration and pain. Gon finds himself breathing rapidly as well.

Stilled now, Killua's hands fall, along with the rest of his body, cringing back from what he's just done – and what he is unable to do. He slumps into the sand, focusing on his twitching hands. Feebly, he apologizes, "S-sorry, I just…" He can't trust himself with more than this, knowing the violence he's capable of.

"Killua…" Gon has barely moved from his spot in the sand, though now he faces Killua. "What is it you can't do…?"

Killua's aura permeates with malaise. After causing Gon so much pain, he doesn't feel he has the right to say it… but Gon deserves an explanation.

"I can't…" The last five years create a vortex in his mind, one that Killua pushes back. _Gon deserves better than this, better than me…_ His eyes flash with the dark figure of a broken man bearing the face of his beloved best friend, weeping in a forest. _He deserves so much more than what I can give…_

"Last night," Killua starts mechanically, closing off his mind from what he's about to say, "when you were close to me…" His voice quivers, though he'd promised himself only moments before that he wouldn't let himself cry. "It reminds me of the past," he gasps out. Tears slide down his cheeks, his hands fly to his face, but Gon breaks his train of thought.

"I'm so sorry!" cries Gon. Tears stab at the corners of his eyes. "I'll stop doing it if it's causing you this much pain, even if I want to be close to you…"

Killua freezes, looking up as Gon wipes tears away.

"…What is it?" Gon sniffs.

"Do you…" Killua inhales, surprised by how quickly his mind has cleared. "Do you even realize what you're saying?!"

Gon traces over the words in his head, his eyes rolling upward, toward the concave ceiling high above their heads. He feels his cheeks redden, until he gains enough confidence to say, "I mean it." Killua feels ready to scream into the rain until Gon adds, "But if it causes you this much trouble…"

The ocean's waves hide the sounds of Killua's movements. Though he's watching him, Killua still surprises Gon as he takes his wrist, pulling him forward. Before Gon can demand why, Killua's hands are clasping his palm. Gon's head heats more as Killua gently squeezes his fingers.

"I'm just so scared I'll lose you again… over something that's my fault…" Killua says this without hesitation, looking directly into Gon's eyes. If nothing else, he's sure of this. He'll do everything in his power to make sure Gon never feels that the only escape is death. He knew all too well what it felt like…

Gradually, Gon grasps Killua's fingers in return, afraid of holding onto him too tightly, in fear he'll slip away. Grinning softly, Gon's teary brown eyes fall downward, then peer up. "K-Killua… what can I do to help you?" _You've already done so much for me even though I don't deserve it…_

Finally feeling a tinge of embarrassment at the scene, Killua flinches back from Gon's tender smile. "…I don't know." _Is this okay?_ he asks. _Trusting someone not to hurt me…_ trusting himself not to hurt Gon…

Gon's hand starts to feel heavy, and Gon leans forward in worry. "I mean it, Killua. Would it help if I asked you about it more often? What do you want me to do?"

 _Don't answer him – he'll only use you like all the others._

"I don't know –"

 _As if someone else can help you. You're too broken to ever truly be free of your old ways –_

Over his distrustful inner voice, Killua hollers in hurried desperation, "It doesn't matter! Do whatever you want!"

Gon blinks at the spontaneous declaration. Killua watches in agony as it sinks in, for there's a glimmer in Gon's eyes, somewhat matching that of the raging storm. He places his other hand on top of his and Killua's, raising them near his chin.

 _I'm going to come to regret this._

"Then –!"

Killua yanks his hands away in embarrassment. Seeing the disappointment on Gon's face, he swiftly suggests, "Let's go splash around in the rain."

Killua stands, running into the icy cold shower, spreading his arms and looking up at the darkened sky.

This is all an elaborate distraction, Gon knows – Killua's trying to run from what he's said, what he told Gon to do…

Gon remains in the safety of the grotto, watching Killua get soaked, face pointed up in a squiggly grin.

 _How strange…_

The occasional moonlight, peering through the clouds – it gives Killua a certain ethereality.

 _Did he always shine this bright?_

Gon stands, then dashes out to Killua – endeavoring with all his might to understand the fallowed moonlight shining around him in this great, dark world.

* * *

 **This chapter was the most difficult to write by far** – **I couldn't find the name of those jelly cakes I see people eating in anime all the time! But forreal… Hopefully it didn't turn out too terribly… *waves flag of defeat/accomplishment* [Edit (11/26/2017): I finally found the name of the cake** **– it wasn't cake at all! It was pudding!]**

 **Given all the suffering in this chapter, I thought it best to release it** _ **before**_ **Killua's birthday tomorrow since there is a lot of angst in it. Welp, hope I wasn't too hard on the electric marshmallow. (Haha let's be honest: rip.)**

 **I also released a HxH one-shot featuring Gon called** _ **Heart's Desire**_ **! I really hope you'll check it out, and that you enjoyed this chapter and will leave your thoughts below~**


	7. Chapter 7

**~ Chapter 7 ~**

* * *

The New Year's festival was finally underway. In the light of pill-shaped paper lanterns, Hanzo led the group of Hunters through the stalls and kiosks filled with fox masks, carnival games, and touristic souvenirs. He'd provided the group with an assortment of yukata beforehand so they would fit in. Gon, Killua, and Alluka were no exceptions. Adorning a shimmery light green yukata with yellow sunflowers embroidered into the cloth, Gon waved a crème colored fan in his face as he delightedly took in the sights. Beside him, Killua wore a dark navy blue yukata with snow-white dandelion wisps on the front, and on Gon's other side, Alluka was dressed in a pink-magenta yukata, pink sakura flowers spattering into magenta across the frontside.

Gon didn't fail to notice his positioning between the Zoldyck siblings as they walked. Before, when they'd ventured through the town near the World Tree, Killua and Alluka had hardly been separable, yet now, there seemed to be a distance spreading between them. Gon was included between them now.

"In my country," Hanzo called over his shoulder, carrying many bundles of blankets on his shoulders, "the New Year is our most important celebration, meant to symbolize the continual renewal of life. Each New Year serves as a gateway into a future of prosperity, leaving the past to fade into memory. So, enjoy the lively atmosphere, and allow all your troubles to disappear!"

The ninja brought them to a place devoid of the light of the kiosks: a field of grass before the river, its water white with the light of the festival across the way. Gon's presumptions were further confirmed when Alluka turned to Killua to say, "Brother, I'm gonna go sit with Palm and Bisky, okay?"

Killua's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered. "Sure," he said, smiling and nodding to her – though he stared as Hanzo handed Gon a blanket for them to lay down on the grass.

Beside them, Morel thrust a thumb toward the chest hair sticking out over the loose top of his violet yukata. "Right! I say we find some good booze before we get this thing started."

Knuckle placed his hands on his hips in disappointment, looking absurd in a yukata when the rest of him screamed _thug life_. "Tch. Master, this is supposed to be a celebration, not a bar party."

"That's true," Shoot agreed – compared to everyone else, his attire was about the same as usual. "We're supposed to drink after the fireworks."

Morel frowned. "You guys are no fun."

"Now, now, Mr. Morel," Bisky said, turning around and gesturing down with one hand. "I got us some high class saké for the afterparty."

"Oooh, much obliged! Where have you been all my life, drinking buddy?!"

Beside Bisky, Palm closed her eyes.

"Don't you drink, Ms. Palm?" Alluka inquired.

The aquatic scaly woman said, "No. It only clouds my judgement and makes me see visions of places I'd rather not." She smiled at Alluka, her white yukata shifting with her movement. "Watching the fireworks with Ms. Alluka at my side will be enough for me."

Alluka beamed excitedly and leaned against her. "You're like my older sister!"

Ikalgo and Meleoron spread out a blanket for themselves while Hanzo and Knov chose to sit together – which Killua found to be a strange matchup until he realized, _I guess being bald is something in common._ "Hey Hanzo, is there any food around here?"

The ninja's arms were folded serenely in the sleeves of his black yukata, legs crossed upward on the grass. "Our feast will be held after the fireworks at midnight. You can find a snack among the stalls if you want, but there won't be anything big."

Gon spoke up behind Killua. "What would you recommend for a snack, Mr. Hanzo?"

The ninja raised a hand to his sharply-chiseled chin. "Well, takoyaki is one of my favorites – there should be plenty of stalls selling it at this time of year."

Ikalgo looked up from smoothing out his blanket with both tentacles. "Hey, what's takoyaki?"

Using his mysterious tone of voice, Hanzo began saying, "Well, it's meat wrapped in some kind of breading, but its main ingredient is –" He stopped himself just in time.

"Yes?" Killua pushed impatiently while everyone stood waiting.

Hanzo scrambled for an answer, arms flailing about him. "I-it's seafood! S-some type of seafood – I'm not sure what kind exactly – but that's the main ingredient!"

Killua and Ikalgo watched him skeptically while Gon blinked between them.

"In any case, you two should have enough time to get something to snack on before the fireworks start," Knov said, saving a very grateful Hanzo from having to explain himself – he breathed out exaggeratedly in relief.

"Right," said Killua. "Hey, Alluka." He directed his voice to the other blanket. "Wanna come?"

He must have interrupted her and Palm's conversation, because they were both laughing when Alluka realized he'd called for her. "Oh, no, I'll stay here, Brother!"

Killua sank back in his sandals. "…Okay. Let's go, Gon."

"I'm coming too," said Ikalgo, jogging up behind them.

"Really?" Meleoron whined. "You're going to leave me here to smoke all by myself?"

"You aren't supposed to smoke in public places anyway," Ikalgo remarked back, unamused. "Besides, I want to see what's up with this 'takoyaki' stuff."

"I don't think think that's a good idea," said Killua.

"Why's that?" Ikalgo asked.

"Didn't you get it by how Hanzo was acting? It's probably made of octopus or something."

Ikalgo's peach-colored body turned stark pale. "M-MADE OF O-OCTOPUS?!" So shaken by this, he didn't move for another ten minutes after sitting back down on his blanket, even as Meleoron talked his ears off about the quality of Japponian cigarettes.

"Killua, don't you think that was kind of insensitive?" Gon whispered, leaning forward with a hand to Killua's ear.

"What? I just told him the truth," he said in full volume. "Better to be warned now than find out later. Imagine if he'd eaten some without knowing!"

Ikalgo continued to mutter under his breath without pause at that, causing Gon to turn. "Killua…!"

"Argh, let's just go!" The ex-assassin stomped off on the path toward the festival, Gon jogging behind him.

When Gon caught up to Killua, he couldn't help how his cheeks heated at Killua's grouchy behavior. Even as they doddered through the kiosks lined on either side of the dirt path, when Gon pointed out a cat keychain with a large head and sharp eyes to Killua, he drank up every second of Killua's bubbly reaction. "Eeeh! It's so cute!" Killua purred. Intently watching his friend's face as he fondled the keychain between his fingertips, the moment Gon realized what he was doing, he shook his head, resisting the urge to slap himself on the cheeks. _Now isn't the time!_

They shared a tray of steaming hot takoyaki, blowing furiously to cool them down. Upon eating one, Killua exclaimed, "Hanzo's right, these _are_ delicious," and Gon nodded vigorously in agreement.

As they headed back, the stalls were becoming deserted as everyone finished up shopping and made for the river to watch the fireworks.

"Did Knov say the fireworks started in twenty minutes…?" Gon asked.

"It's in ten minutes, now," said Killua.

"Oh…" Gon noticed Killua's distracted gaze. He didn't have any pockets, so his hands remained slightly raised by his sides, but he seemed to be thinking hard about something. "I'm sorry Alluka didn't want to come with us."

"Huh?" Startled, Killua turned to him.

 _He_ was _thinking about something,_ Gon affirmed in half-triumph – his arms swished in the large sleeves of his green yukata. "You wanted her to come with us, didn't you?"

Slowly, Killua's head drifted back forward. "Yeah, but – that's not it…"

"She's been spending a lot of time with Palm and Bisky," Gon ruminated aloud, still watching Killua out of the corner of one eye.

Killua said nothing for a while. Neither did Gon – he didn't know how to ask. All the time Alluka had been spending with Bisky and Palm was time him and Killua had been spending together…

Eventually, Killua stopped in their path. Gon looked back at him in inquiry.

"Gon, wanna find a better place to watch the fireworks?"

And that's how they were sitting alone together, side-by-side on a cliff not too far from the festival, overlooking the entire area. The bright lights of the festival glimmered on the surface of the river water; they could even see the others with their blankets spread out among all the people now gathered there. No doubt wondering where Gon and Killua had gotten themselves off to, Knuckle was on his feet and talking hotly to the others in their group, until he finally slumped down with his arms crossed.

Gon kicked out his legs off the edge of the cliff, humming to himself as the breeze blew between them. Killua sat calmly beside him. They were seventeen now, and a lot had changed – but some things hadn't. Their time together since Killua arrived was proof enough of that.

Within Gon's eyes were the lights scattered down below as he swayed side to side with the movement of his legs beneath his light green and yellow yukata. Feeling Killua watching him, he turned his head, grinning. "What is it?"

Killua chuckled before quickly looking away. "Nothing. The moon looks pretty tonight."

Gon looked up to see it was full, and glowing faintly turquoise in the clear night. "Yeah," he said, furrowing his eyebrows, about to turn back to Killua when an arm passed over his shoulder. Killua's body was pressed against Gon now, and Gon found himself locked in place, unable to move or utter a sound as they looked up at the white glowing disk in the sky. Killua's voice was soft and nostalgic when he murmured, so close to Gon's ear. "We've come a long way, huh?"

As if planned, a pop like a BB gun went off down below, and a single firework erupted in the sky. They splashed out in all different colors. Reds and golds. Blues and purples. Oranges. Yellows. Greens, and pink. Killua hadn't moved from his spot beside Gon. Although Gon sensed embarrassment beginning to twitch the elbow crooked around his neck, he didn't dare break their contact, due to the heat gathered in his cheeks.

He didn't understand why. Many things had come to pass between him and Killua – the only difference was that they were older – why was he suddenly feeling differently about his best friend now?

 _No, it isn't different…_

Killua was still his best friend… still is.

And yet… that wasn't all…?

"Killua," Gon finally blurted over the fireworks' explosions. He turned his head toward his friend, the surprised ex-assassin – a thought that only made Gon's cheeks redden more. Their faces were so near, but Gon could hardly think about that along with everything else he was thinking. "Thank you for still being with me. You're still my best friend, you know. I never stopped thinking that, even after we separated."

Killua's arm slid off Gon's shoulder. He looked out to the fireworks, each one coloring his white hair and silver-blue eyes.

Gon felt a frog leap into his throat. "Did you…?"

The fireworks finished. The people below were packing up their things to go home. The entire place reeked with the smell of smoke – and an eerie silence brought about by the fireworks' conclusion. It felt like an eternity before Killua answered, his voice quiet, eyes downcast. "We've been through so much together, and you still feel like you have to thank me…?"

Gon hadn't expected this response. "Yeah, I mean it," he spoke, dumbfounded. "I've really appreciated your company through everything…" Gon looked away from him now, toward the small figures of Alluka, Ikalgo, Knuckle, Shoot, Meleoron, Bisky, Morel, Knov, and Hanzo, gathering their blankets and leaving down below. Their figures blurred in his vision, his eyes misting with snapshots of the past. "Even though I was always such a burden and ended up hurting you in every situation… You're… too good to me." _I don't deserve a friend as good as you…_

Killua put his arms around Gon's shoulders and pulled him close. He didn't say anything. Gon couldn't understand his suddenly affectionate behavior, but his tears nearly dissolved – it felt nice. He was safe and warm.

So in shock, Gon didn't react to him until nearly a minute after, when his hands closed around Killua's back. Gon took in the strongest whiff of Killua he ever had then – overwhelmed by the Transmuter's fruity odor, created by auratic sweat.

Had they ever hugged like this before, more than something quick and friendly…?

Killua soon leaned away, his arms coming off of Gon completely. "You already apologized for what happened and I forgave you – so wipe that sad look off your face. You're still my best friend too – of course you are."

Gon watched as a hand flew to his fluffy head and Killua faced the trees. The feeling Gon had been trying to suppress since their first outing together… was now making his heart pound uncontrollably in his ears.

It didn't stop until they got back to the teahouse, where everyone else – save Alluka and Palm, nowhere to be found – was already drunk. Even Chimera Ants Ikalgo and Meleoron, as well as Knov, decided to let loose for the New Year party.

"Ah, Gon and Killua!" Morel bellowed at them from the table, saké mug raised high. "There you are! Why don't you come join us?!"

"We're underage," Killua told him once sliding the front door closed behind Gon.

Bisky slurred, "Don't be such a sourpuss – we won't tell anyone!"

"Aren't you supposed to set an example for us as our teacher?!" Killua shrieked at her with his hands on the hips of his navy blue and white-willowed yukata. "C'mon, let's go." It took Gon a moment to realize Killua was talking to him.

"Killua?! Don't you want to spend time with everyone else?" He tried to catch up in the hallway.

"When they're that drunk?" Killua shot back behind him. "You have to be joking."

When Killua banged open the sliding door to his and Alluka's room, he found Alluka and Palm sitting with their backs facing him. Palm's hands ran through Alluka's rippling raven locks.

"Oh, we were just –"

"Whatever, you can have the room," he said before Palm could finish, slamming the door shut again.

"Hey!" came Palm's voice from inside. "Cheeky brat." Alluka giggled a little. "That's my Brother!"

Killua just stood outside the doorway, his back against the wall.

"Killua…?"

"I don't know."

 _I didn't even ask anything,_ Gon realized.

"What do you want to do?" he said, glancing up.

"Uh, we could go to my room?"

Killua leaned off the wall and walked forward, hands behind his head. "Sure."

 _That was fast…_

"You left your fishing pole at home this time?" Killua asked.

"Yeah…"

They'd taken off and folded up their respective yukata, laying them near the door. In their normal clothes now – for Gon, a black sleeveless shirt and green shorts, for Killua, who stood against the wall, a white T-shirt and black shorts. Killua hesitated, seeing how Gon sat on the floor without looking him in the eye. "So tell me, Gon… Have you been training at all?"

"Not really…"

"But you want to, right?"

"Yeah. But…"

"But…?"

"I'm not nearly as strong as I used to be. Definitely not in Nen, anyway. Also… I'm not sure… that I want to be…"

Killua couldn't argue with that – in fact, he was somewhat relieved. "Then we'll work on your physical strength," he said without missing a beat.

"Huh?" Gon looked up at him. _We?_ "What about you, Killua? You haven't been training a lot either, have you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Gon nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, you're right. I've been protecting Alluka, but we've had a pretty smooth going of things for the most part. I haven't had to use my abilities much, which has been fine by me, but…"

"But…?"

Killua smiled at him. "But now that we're together again, I feel like we should? It's what we always did in the past."

Gon smiled too. "Yeah… same here… We were always trying to get stronger together, so…" He hesitated before asking. "So then does that mean… you plan to stay longer…?"

Killua shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Gon cocked his head sideways, squinting a little. "You guess…?"

Killua sat down beside him on the floor. "Well, Alluka seems to be really enjoying herself, but I don't know how much longer Palm and Bisky plan on staying, so it really depends."

"Oh…" _But what about… after…_ Gon didn't know how to ask. He didn't want to be separated from Killua again…

"You could come with us, if you want," Killua said cautiously.

Gon panicked at hearing the words – even if it was exactly what he wanted. "A-are you sure? I don't want to infringe on your time with Alluka – if you'd rather part here, then –"

"Aah, I've had more than two years with her." Killua leaned back with his hands on his crossed ankles, closing his eyes. "She likes being around other people, and I haven't seen tail nor sign of Illumi in that time." _Only what I get from my dreams and imagination,_ anyway, he thought, shuddering at the bloody images brought by his nightmares. "We're best friends, aren't we? We should stick together."

Gon's pounding heart broke free from its cage of nervousness. He nodded while smiling, wider than he had in, well, years. "Yeah. I think so too."

 _Then you should have just said so…_ But Killua knew why he didn't. "So I'll tell you when. There isn't anything you need to go get back at home, is there?"

"No, I have everything here." _I have you…_

"Too bad. I kind of wanted to say hi to Aunt Mito and Grandma Abe again."

"Mm…"

They burst out giggling at the same time.

"Man, I feel like a little kid again!" Gon snickered.

"Same here!"

Later on that night, Killua checked to see if Alluka and Palm were finished in his room, only to find Palm had snatched all the yukata – and other formal Japponian attire – Hanzo had brought, and the two were taking turns trying it on. It was past 5 AM now, and the adults were starting to pass out in the main room from intoxication, but there were some – like Bisky, Morel, Hanzo, and Meleoron – still alive and kicking. Killua was too exhausted to fight the ladies for the room, but the moment he turned around, Alluka and Palm each snatched him with one hand on the shoulder, and pulled him kicking and screaming into starring in their fashion show. Eventually Gon came in looking for him and found him posing energetically with arms and legs spread and a charming smile, yukata sleeves hanging low enough to touch the floor, and gorgeous flower pins in his hair. Upon seeing Gon in the doorway, Killua immediately snapped to standing normally, his face lighting beet red and – if they weren't already snickering before – Alluka and Palm broke out laughing. When Gon rushed to sit next to them, eyes sparkling, eagerly leaning forward, and asking that they continue, they couldn't help rolling on the floor in laughter.

"What's so funny?" Gon asked in confusion, only causing Alluka and Palm to roar louder.

Killua crossed his arms over himself in embarrassment. "Jeez, I'm done with you guys!" Alluka seemed to be having fun though, so he yanked Gon up and demanded they torment him instead – to which, of course, Alluka and Palm responded by forcing them to perform a team fashion show instead.

Two hours later, arms crossed and exhausted, Killua plopped back down on the ground in Gon's room.

"Unbelievable," he grumped.

Gon giggled, unable to shake the feeling of synchronicity and exhilaration he'd felt with Killua "onstage" with Alluka and Palm cheering them on. "I thought it was fun. Want to just sleep in here tonight?"

Killua looked at him out of the corner of one eye. "Sure, sounds like the best plan."

Dodging the two girls before they dragged him into trying something _else_ on, Killua gathered his bedding, pillow, toothbrush, etcetera, from his room and laid it all out beside Gon's.

Gon yawned as he turned over in his bed, smiling. "Sweet dreams, Killua."

"Yeah, good night."

For some reason, that alone made Killua's heart flutter as he shut his eyes to welcome a night of soothing dreams – the best he'd had in a long, long time…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

It hadn't been long after that that Killua stopped Gon in the cliffside forest, made him promise never to forsake his life again… That area of Jappon was temporal, being so near to the ocean. Snow rarely came and quickly melted during the winter months.

The freezing rain cleared Killua's head enough to understand what he said to Gon, that he was allowed to do anything. They go back to sleep in the grotto with warmth in their breaths against the coldness of the air, redressing in dry clothes, speaking no more of what was previously discussed… but Gon lays awake for a long time, watching shadows move on the jagged ceiling.

The next morning, the air is chilly, and the ocean is as loud as ever. Their fire is no more than cinders. All that needs to be done is to gather up their things and go.

Both of them spring across rocky mountain-land to reach their destination – it turned into a race, as per usual, so they're traveling twice as fast. "We should reach the City of Airships by noon if we keep this pace up," Killua pants.

"Yeah, I hope so!" Gon pants back.

It isn't long before the salty ocean air and crashing waves fade behind them, enveloped by an endless maze of mountains made of sandy argillite and grey metamorphic rock, rising and falling in many stacked layers. Here, the only animals visible are mountain goats and birds of prey. All others dwell in the cracks around them, crafty eyes sizing up whether it would be worth attacking prey so large.

After three days of procrastinating in the countryside, when Gon and Killua heave themselves up onto a tall platform of rock to catch their breaths, sweating and tired. When the hum of an airship passes right over their heads, they can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. It's going in the same direction they are, much to their delight, which gives them enough incentive to race the remainder of the journey.

More airships pass over them and the mountains around them as they near the city, congregating at a blank spot in the rock that's closer with every minute. It's a small plateau where they're all landing, segregated from the rest of the mountains by the river that encircles it. Buildings stack near the water and each of the lower platforms below the plateau, in all different colors, as if they're giant steps leading up to the main landing pad in the sky, for the city itself is actually quite extensive. Behind this, the mountains of granite drop off into a darkland full of dense unexplored forests, stretching far into the distance.

"We made it!" says Gon, pointing toward the warehouses of green, yellow, and silver airships lined in rows upon rows on the large landing pad. "I can see why it's called 'the city of airships.' There are so many! Let's go."

Before Gon can take a step, Killua, still bent over and panting, asks, "Wait, so which one of us got here first?"

"Oh, I didn't notice… How about we just call it a tie?"

"Really?" says Killua, wiping his cheek with one arm as he stands up. "You don't wanna rock-paper-scissors for it?"

"But we never dictated what the reward would be…"

"That's true…"

"We still have a little ways to go, and the climb to the top of that plateau from the bottom of the city is going to be the hardest yet. So let's get going!"

"Yeah, and we need to restock our supplies," says Killua – the backpack feels much lighter now that it isn't occupied with raw meat and so many apples. "C'mon."

They cross a bridge over the river, into the shadow of the plateau. Climbing down took longer than they thought. It's mid-afternoon now. Sick of eating nothing but fruit – and some fish – for the last few days, they sit down in the first restaurant they see: an out-of-the-way sandwich diner, likely family-run by how small it is, though they hark up a decent crowd even after lunchtime.

"After this we should go shopping," says Gon, sipping orange juice. His yellow bag sits in the booth beside him.

"And for some clothes," says Killua, leaning on one elbow. "We've only worn the same three outfits for the last two months."

"We can't carry many more clothes though," Gon mumbles, focused on his straw.

"Just because _you_ don't mind wearing the same outfit for years at a time doesn't mean I do! We're stopping at a clothing shop first."

"Fine, fine."

"Will you tell them I want a tuna sandwich? I need to go to the bathroom."

"Sure."

Gon barely looks at Killua as he stands from the booth. _I guess he's more physically drained than he's been letting on,_ Killua smirks. They had taken to training in the gym before departing from Alluka, but even so, three years ago Gon could have gone twice that distance over rocky terrain – they had daily with Bisky in Greed Island. Of course, Killua ignores his own aching lungs and limbs for the sake of his own pride.

Nothing has been significantly different between them today. While washing his hands, Killua can't help but wonder if their talk last night had been a dream…

His phone rings, and when he takes it out of his pocket, there's no name on the screen. For no particular reason, he answers it anyway, raising it to his ear. "Hello?"

A wave of foreboding sweeps over him the moment the person on the other side takes a breath to speak. Wracking his entire body with chills of fear, the voice, sharp as stripped steel, jangles harshly in his mind.

"Hey, Killu."

The cavalier assassin continues lightly, "I got a tip from one of my spies that you're currently in the City of Airships. Did you really think you could hide from me forever?"

 _How did he get my new number?!_ Killua searches his mind impossibly for the answer. He killed all those men back at the seaport… who else could have seen them? Who's following them?!

His older brother's conversational tone congeals threateningly with the next words: "I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too."

* * *

 **I've heard from a few readers that it's been confusing figuring out what's a flashback and what's in the present – frankly, I sometimes confuse myself with this story's timeline, but there is a method to my madness! When I'm writing about an event before the present storyline of the two-to-three months that Gon and Killua have been traveling together, such as right after they reunited, or another event in the distant/unspecified past, I use the past tense. When I'm writing about them traveling together after parting with Alluka, I write in present tense. Hopefully that helps some!**

 **This is the last chapter I'm writing before I go off to college… I hope you liked it! Please, please, please don't forget to leave your thoughts~**


	8. Chapter 8

**~ Chapter 8 ~**

* * *

Darkness had fallen like a curtain over the world down below. City lights glistened on mountaintops, in large valleys, and on flat farmlands, as if poured there from conjuring bowls of the gods filled with dazzling gems.

From the bow of an airship gliding gently through the sky, Killua's lips tightened at the thought.

Long ago, before they'd become friends… sitting side-by-side on an airship flying toward the next phase in the Hunter Exam, Gon had said similar words.

" _It's like the ground is covered in jewels!"_

Alluka breathed softly as she snoozed in the chair beside the pro ex-assassin, the low hum of the propellers reverberating in the spacious airship, lulling his thoughts into self-reflection; it certainly wasn't the first time; he was constantly doing so.

He found a new purpose in life. Just as he'd set out to do long ago.

The Zoldyck siblings had escaped the treacherous clutches of Illumi, but… _Illumi wasn't the only reason I left._

In his mind's eye was the sickly-orange light of that night. The sound of an impact, screeching with uncontained power, flashing again for the next punch. Blue blood splattered across the trees and ground in front of him – and then, as Killua approached from behind, he saw the eyes of a dead man pounding what was left of his beloved friend deep into the ground.

He'd arrived too late. All he could do was stand there, the gears spinning frantically in that accursed analytical mind of his – unable to compute much else as he thought of the _reasons_ , the _actions_ , the _logic_ that brought Gon to that point… none of the emotion involved at all.

Before Killua knew it, he found himself screaming Gon's name, understanding that all he'd been worried about had come true… but "Gon" was no more.

That's what he'd thought, hauling what was left of his beloved best friend through the forest, over miles and miles of deserted terrain, searching for any trace of the modern world, anyone that could possibly help them.

So many times, Gon's consciousness slipped – he stopped breathing, his pulse dead – and Killua was shaking, doing everything he could not to have a mental breakdown as he set what was left of his friend on the ground, sparking electricity between his fingertips and laying them on Gon's heart, crying as he begged any higher power that was listening to spare him.

" _No, no, no, please don't do this! Please don't leave me here! It's my fault this happened – I wasn't there to save you! You can't go! I should have been there –! I should have died too! Please, you can't leave me here alone, Gon! Don't die without me! Please…! GON…!"_

Killua sat back in the airship. No, Illumi wasn't the only reason he left at all…

He'd never had a friend until Gon, never felt worthy of such a thing. He'd killed when commanded – or whenever something pissed him off enough – to the point that it was no longer about his career, but a matter of his pride or theirs.

 _They made me this way!_ His fingers clenched into fists. _They're_ the ones who forced him to act in such a manner, rendering him unable to make friends, unable to function in normal society, but… He releases the tension in his hands.

 _Did they really…?_

After all, he'd learned the consequences and he continued to kill anyway. Murder was commended, expected – even _pleasurable_ for him, but not for his other family members. He was raised differently than them. He was thought to be the best of them all because of it.

And yet… why…

Why had his soul felt so empty…?

" _Please don't leave me alone!"_

Now he knows.

" _You can't die without me!"_

Now he knows…

Once Gon's heart restarted, he'd picked up the broken pieces of his sanity, hefting Gon's near-lifeless body onto his back, and trudged forward, not feeling his legs as they screamed in agony, ignoring the tears bleeding from his eyes. Until it happened again.

But now he'd left his dearest friend alone.

The friend he'd promised to protect above even himself. The friend who changed his violent ways, warmed his desolate heart – who made him realize killing and being the strongest was not the only purpose to life. His friend, who had shown him what it felt like to be loved, what it felt to be important to someone for something other than murder… and what had he done…?

 _Gon's confident smile beamed back at him from the gates of the World Tree. "Kite said we'll be friends no matter what!"_

Killua's gaze falls past his fingers, gripping the wheel of the airship as he steers it through the night sky. _Even if that's true… even if it is… I'm not sure… I can do this…_

In the hospital, when he'd first arrived, he could hardly say anything, hardly move, for his body was far past its physical limit. _"Please help him… please help Gon… do whatever it takes…"_ As the nurses and doctors got to work, pulling a curtain that was never to be drawn back again, he'd been so hopelessly lost in his own mind, unable to snap out of it for days. Sitting without food or rest before the window to Gon's room. Nen Exorcist after Nen Exorcist took one look at the boy gradually rotting away and turned in horror.

The friend he wanted nothing more than to protect attempted death before his very eyes – the concept Killua had laughed at for so much of his childhood as he slashed the throats of thousands, plucked out their still-beating hearts. People who had nothing to do with him.

Gon trampled on every emotion Killua had felt since he first called him his "friend" – though it was unknowingly, of course. Once upon a time, life had been nothing but a game to him…

 _It's my own fault for never being honest about my feelings…_ It was Killua's fault for never taking the time to properly thank Gon for all he had done for him, for all that Killua wanted to do in return – and what would Killua have done, had he been left alone…?

 _It almost happened._

He wouldn't have. That was how Gon already felt, hopeless and without purpose, because of him…

Killua had assumed Gon knew – should've known after everything, how he put all his energy, every waking thought into protecting him: the only person important to him, the person most important to him. But how could he have expected Gon to understand something so big?

He couldn't have. Shouldn't have. He can't expect Gon – or anyone – to know how he feels without ever showing it. He couldn't continue to rely on someone else, not even Gon, for his reason to live, not when Gon didn't even know…

He'd been lucky to find a new purpose so quickly: protecting his little sister, whom he'd abandoned without thought.

So he ran away – like he always did. Like how he ran away from home. How he ran away from himself, rather than face how he truly felt.

He ran away, praying his friend's demons would haunt him no more, knowing full-well he should be by his side, but knowing he could do nothing for him. He couldn't show Gon how much he really loved him. Not even for Gon, the one person in the entire universe, who had shown him what it meant to love.

Alluka blinked awake to see her older brother hunched over the airship dashboard, palms over his eyes. He fought to control his tears.

"Brother…?"

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

"I got a tip from one of my spies that you're currently in the City of Airships. Did you really think you could hide from me forever?" A short laugh, and then the threatening words, "I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too."

Killua says nothing. Any noise in the background could give Illumi an indication on their exact whereabouts. Any words of indignation may only serve to stall their escape.

Removing the phone from his ear, he smashes it against the bathroom countertop with a metallic crunch. Pieces of glass, plastic, and metal fly in all directions, the device fizzling as its innerworkings rotate to a stop. His shoulders tremble as he stands there with both hands on the sink, still not fully comprehending what just happened.

When he lifts his fingers from the wreckage, tiny cybernetic pieces are embedded in his hand. It stings slightly. The sudden output of electricity shot through his arm, charging him up and raising the hair on his head. He clasps the phone's demolished beetle body between his palm and forefingers as he exits the bathroom, moving toward the booth where Gon sits looking languidly out the window, a hand to his chin. Perspiration beads on the outside of Gon's champagne glass-shaped orange juice, while Killua's mind spins like a circuit without end.

Gon turns to him and smiles, fish and chips set out before him. "Hey, Killua! The food is – eh, what happened…" His jaw slackens, the straw falling from his lips as he glances down at the ruined mobile phone in Killua's hand, then up at his haggard expression.

"Gon, we have to leave."

Gon's brows part in surprise. "Wh-what?! Wh-why, our food just got here…"

Without thinking, Killua takes his arm, pulling him out of the booth. "We have to leave now!" Killua yells, the broken beetle phone clattering on their table, rattling their appetizer and startling Gon. Before he knows it, Killua has scooped him up into his arms, and their bodies are ignited with a mysterious white glow – a current of static electricity running through his ears. Fast movements – so fast Gon can hardly keep up with what's happening – get them through the door, and the blur of a hundred surprised faces whizzes by as they scale the plateau to the holding bay of vacant airships.

At the top, Killua stops at the threshold of an airship and kicks the door from its hinges, nuts and bolts tinkling against the floor. He rushes to the control room and drops Gon into the passenger seat, taking the wheel. Killua's laconic behavior leaves Gon dazed – he's still glowing slightly with the power of electricity, though his hair is slowly settling back to a state no more wild than usual.

They're in the sky by the time Gon registers what just happened.

"What are we doing?!" he says, standing in his seat. "We didn't pay the restaurant for our food – and what happened to your phone?! I didn't know you could do that with your Nen!"

The islander boy is caught between irritation and awe, unable to sit still. Now is no time for jokes, however. "While I was in the bathroom, I got a call," says Killua. "It was from Illumi."

This sobers Gon from his electricity high. "Wh-what…?"

"He knew our location –"

"WHAT?! He was right there and I had no idea?!"

"I didn't talk to him long enough to find out if he was near us, or if he knew where we were sitting exactly." Killua's pulse drowns out all background noise – along with the remnants of electric current. He takes a deep breath, attempting to calm his anxiety. "But he knew we were in the City of Airships – said one of his spies tipped him off. We couldn't risk sticking around to find out."

The corners of Gon's mouth flatten as the information sinks in. After a moment, he sits back down again, hands on his knees, looking out the window. "I didn't notice anyone following us…"

"Neither did I," Killua admits.

Before them, the darkland of overgrown trees shields the ground from the sun in a thick layer, mist rising from the forest floor.

"Did he say why he was after us?" Gon asks, watching the trees pass below.

"No – he didn't even mention Alluka at all. But if it's true he's after me, then it's likely he hasn't found her."

"Eh? Why?" Gon asks, turning to him.

"If he'd already found her, he would have tried to use her as a bargaining chip to get me to give myself up. But he didn't." Killua's lips clamp shut. _Instead, he mentioned…_

" _I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too."_

Gon notices his yellow backpack thrown haphazardly against the wall to one side, appearing moderately singed. He can hear wind howling some ways underneath them. "…Did you really have to rip the door off its hinges when we came in?"

Killua's brows and mouth tighten, but he says nothing.

"Besides, Killua, I never knew you could do that with your Nen ability. We were moving really fast! How does it work?"

Hands remaining stuck to the steering wheel, Killua snaps at him, "Gon, don't you realize the kind of situation we're in?!"

The other has only admiration, and now slight hesitation on his face. Killua's aspectabund expression catches him off-guard, and Gon's curiosity fades. It reminds him of another time. _"Do you really understand…?" "Promise you won't move even if people are dying before your eyes!"_

Was that… annoyance or concern in his eyes?

Gon says, "Since we got away from the city so quickly, I'm not feeling like we're in that much in danger, I guess…"

Again Killua says nothing. He sets his face forward and hardly moves as they ride in silence.

The sky is turning orange by the time Gon draws a hand to his empty stomach. Dried sweat lacquers his arms – his black muscle shirt still damp from their run through the mountain range. He glances toward Killua, looking similarly grimy in his navy-blue T-shirt, whose expression has transformed into an unreadable blankness now.

Aware of Gon's staring, Killua sighs. "Let's see if we can find something to eat."

"Yeah." _Finally…_

Killua clicks the bright red button reading "Autopilot" across its front.

The airship flies over the expansive ocean – with some redirection – to avoid land where mountains could pop up and crash the vessel, or where spies could track their flight. Using his electrified fingers, Killua patches up the gaping hole he left in the side of the airship by welding the sides of the door back to the metal walls.

In the pantry, canned goods and frozen foods are arrayed in the storage cabinets and refrigerator. It's a dank space defined by its distinctly pasteurized and bucolic smell. Gon and Killua go for the meat, being as hungry as they are. While waiting for the oven to heat up their food, Killua empties cans from the cabinets, placing each one on the linoleum countertop for Gon to sort.

 _There's something about this…_ Something Gon can't quite place his finger on. _Something familiar._

"You don't think we could take Illumi on together?" he asks suddenly.

"Nah, he's too powerful," revokes Killua, standing between two cabinet doors.

Keen to Killua's assurity in the statement, Gon watches him for a moment. "…Is it because…" His face tightens briefly. "Is it because I no longer have my Nen?"

"That's not it, Gon," Killua immediately refutes, closing the cabinet doors and looking at him from across the table. Lit by a single whitish light bulb shining ubiquitously upon both of them, shadows cast over their faces and the items in the space between them. Killua presses his hands into the countertop as he leans over it, balancing his shoulders. He watches idly as Gon separates cans of veggies, fruits, and soups into piles. "Illumi is a Manipulator," continues Killua. "If he got one of his needles in one of us there'd be nothing we could do. We might end up fighting against each other without even knowing, maybe even hurt each other." Killua lifts his hands to shrug. "I mean, I had no idea he was controlling _me_ for so many years with the needle in my –"

He stops dead. His shoulders fall. "– head…"

The moment it passes through his lips he knows he can't take it back. With a can raised to his face as he tries to read the label, Gon looks over at him. "Wait, what…?"

Killua lowers his arms and looks to the side.

Gon watches him in leery resign, hands falling. "Killua, what… did you just say…?"

The other avoids his eyes, nothing but regret in his hunching shoulders.

"Killua," Gon says again, more forcefully this time.

Finally Killua's eyes flash restlessly up at him. He breathes out hard, wishing he could smooth talk his way out of this like he always did with victims and family members in the past.

Gon recognizes the tight expression on Killua's face that means he's holding something back. He doesn't know what to think of this. Gon sighs, leaning forward, his hands clutching the can near the linoleum countertop. _There's still so much that's different between him and I._ Tired, he asks, "When did you know of this?"

"A while ago," is all Killua says, but the way his eyes fall tells Gon everything he needs to know.

"'A while ago'?! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means it isn't important," says Killua sheepishly.

Gon roots the can in his hands back on the table with a loud _slap_. It all sinks in. "Why didn't you tell me before?!" He's concerned, but in his volume and expression are a deeply-hidden anger.

Killua's gaze remains fixed on the heat vent by the window to one side. "It doesn't matter," he mutters. "You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"Out of nothi –!" Gon inhales sharply. "How could you just –?! So it _was_ when we knew each other!" His tone is nothing but betrayal and disbelief.

Killua nods slightly. "Yeah." He looks at Gon with reticent eyes, a peacemaker's grin plastered across his cheeks, his arms spread on either side of him. "But I'm alright now, so there's nothing to worry abou –!"

Gon's fists slam loudly into the countertop, silencing his friend. The cans jostle on top, some of them clunking to the ground, rolling across the linoleum floor. Some hit Gon's feet and legs on the way down. His face is hidden. His arms shudder.

Killua staggers backward, watching Gon who won't look at him. A mounting anxiety clogs Killua's throat, threatening to strangle him then and there.

Gon's angry, even if he knows why Killua didn't say anything before. If it was any time during the war… there would have been no meaning in telling him. Even so…

 _He doesn't trust me…_

Sinking lower into the table, his elbows fall on the countertop. Gon shakes his head. _No, I can't think that way anymore._ Not if he wants to help Killua. The self-directed guilt and rage cramping his shoulders sizzles as he allows instead a remorseful heaviness to overtake his body. His voice is calm. "You're my friend and I worry about you. The natural thing to do."

When he looks up, he finds Killua watching him cautiously, mouth slightly ajar, a hand outstretched but unmoving.

 _Yeah,_ he thinks. _I probably looked really similar to_ that time _just now…_ Unreachable. Full of rage.

His eyes fill. "The least you could do is tell me."

He can't help the few tears that slide down his face – but he wipes them away quickly, pressing fingertips to his eyelids. Killua can't do anything but watch him. He's too stunned by the outburst and how quickly Gon progressed into sadness to say anything at all.

 _Maybe I'm getting you back for surprising me earlier today,_ Gon thinks, chuckling softly.

 _Do something, you idiot!_ Killua screams at himself. _Your friend is there crying and all you can do is stand here! What's wrong with you?!_

Little more is said when the alarm for their food goes off. They take their meat from the oven and make for a less depressing place to eat. Again, as they're sitting near the windows, eating slowly as they look out to the dark sea and the shoreline sparkling with the lights of civilization, it's like time crinkles in Gon's mind, creating a perfect circle to a moment in the past. Killua's voice comes from far away.

" _My family has really high hopes for me… But I can't stand it… Who wants to have their life planned out for them…?"_

"I'm really sorry for back there," Gon apologizes. "I shouldn't have spoken to you like that…"

"No…" Killua's gaze falls back to the light shoreline, so far away. "Even if it scared me, I needed to hear what you said."

Now Gon can't take his eyes off of him.

 _Really…?_ Had it really been that easy all along?

He stares toward the dark shoreline now, trying to understand the meaning behind Killua's mnemonics as he looks into a place not of this world, but somewhere deep within him, sifting through the secrets of his heart – full of the wonders of the universe. Gon longs to know what those wonders are. Killua's secrets…

Gon murmurs a "thanks," which causes Killua look to at him.

"What for?"

"For telling me that," Gon answers. Eventually, those amber eyes look back at him, filled with innocent curiosity like before. "Killua, can you tell me more…?"

"Huh?" He's confused. "What about?"

"About what happened," Gon says.

"You mean with Illumi?" Killua asks. He makes a small noise in the back of his throat as he ruffles his hair, propping his arms up on the table beside the windows of the airship where their empty plates remain, aside from a few bones. "I don't have any memory of it, but apparently Illumi stuck one of his needles in my head sometime when I was little to help me become a great assassin or something. Explains why I completely forgot about Alluka."

 _That wasn't what I meant to ask,_ Gon thinks. He's too afraid Killua will shut up if he tries to ask what was truly on his mind, though. "What did the needle do?"

As if a switch is flicked on in his head, Illumi's voice pierces through his subconscious like a bright beam within the dimness, always ready to guide him back into that dark state of mind. _If you stay with Gon, you'll end up wanting to kill him one day. You'll want to see if you can kill him or not._ Killua's gaze falters as he attempts to block it out. "I'm not sure… I want to talk about that."

Seeing how his friend avoids him, images flash through Gon's mind: Killua's constricted, cat-like pupils as he darted faster than lightning, slashing apart fifty men at the seaport; Killua gouging his own sharp fingers into his arm, grunting in pain, the fear on his face when he realized Gon was awake and saw him, and he scrambled back like some kind of frightened animal; just a night ago, when those silver-blue eyes stared emptily out to the sea, underlined by dark shadows, his body shivering against the cold…

Gon sees in his mind the ghastly scar on his friend's back, and his shoulders caving inward at the bare explanation he offered while his face was hidden. _"When my parents weren't watching us, he took me to one of our dungeons and got out our sharp whip – I'd only been exposed to the smaller ones before and he had no idea how to wield it correctly, so it left a scar… But that was a long time ago."_

Gon had been too much in shock to react other than to give comfort to his best friend – after they'd eaten when it may not have even been relevant or connected anymore…

Gon had seen the scars before – not just the large one spanning across his upper back, but the small ones sprinkled all over his entire body. They were easy to miss if you weren't paying attention – well-contained, raised invisibly against his pale skin.

The first time Gon had noticed was when they left the Zoldyck Estate, once Killua had come out of the shower after washing away all the blood and grime, but Gon had been too much in a haze, being with Killua again, to care to ask. What he'd seen the last few weeks while on the grounds was enough for him. He wanted nothing more to do with the family, their split ethics and twisted moralities. He knew Killua hadn't either, having finally escaped from there, so he never felt good enough to ask.

And that's how it'd stayed.

Gon continued to let himself believe he wasn't worthy of the information – that as long as they were together, they would be able to forget about the past. Rather than take a leap of faith and try to reach his best friend, he hoped avoiding it would help it fade away… Killua wasn't the type of person to talk about these things so easily, anyway.

 _Why should he with someone like me?_ He didn't want to be any more of a burden, any more bothersome than he already was, always making declarations that caused Killua to turn away with a snide remark. _"Cut it out, idiot! You're so embarrassing!"_

…He was just an annoyance.

Killua already helped and protected him – that should be enough to convince him they were friends, right? Right?! Why did he feel the need to say those embarrassing things, if it only got on Killua's nerves…?

Killua needn't get hurt in his reckless battles with him…

" _This doesn't concern you."_

He'd meant to save his best friend from the same terrible fate, understanding the great difference in power between himself and his foe. His heroic actions did nothing but drive them apart, and now…?

They remain at an impasse, yet not exactly… They _aren't_ traveling because Killua has nothing else to do. _At least, that's what he said…_ He should trust in his words. _Killua isn't the type to lie to his friends…_

"Killua, could you… tell me more about them?"

"What are you talking about?" the other asks, genuinely interested.

"About your family," says Gon. "I don't know anything about them. I mean, I saw how they were… so I have an idea, but I don't really know about…" He takes a deep breath, remembering their intolerant ways with the butlers and visitors alone – _all the scars._ "…well, anything."

"Anything about what?" Killua asks, sitting back in his seat with his arms crossed. He watches his shoes with a half-frown, no doubt weighing the pros and cons of this conversation. "You gotta be more specific than that."

"Well… did you _ever_ want to be an assassin?"

Killua focuses on something far away. "…I'm not sure. Probably. Maybe. I was never really given time to think about it."

"Then did you…" Gon fidgets in his seat, hands planted between his legs. "I'm sorry, this is weird, and I'm not sure you'll like it, but…"

Killua glances over at him. Gon's face is construed with thought. Killua almost laughs, knowing what Gon wants to ask.

"How did you feel about, you know… the killing?"

Killua shrugs as he answers – not sure whether he's being entirely honest. "I don't remember most of the people I've killed."

He remembers – in dark alleyways, streets, and buildings, his breath rasping in his ears as he listens for any trace of footsteps on his trail. His fingers twitching hungrily with the appetite for blood, always searching, searching… Sometimes, he found himself in a room with hundreds of bodyguards, only to be taken out within a minute as he plopped their entrails behind him, tearing through with incredible speed.

He feels the urge to puke from the thought alone, but the flashbacks don't stop. Like any natural predator, all the while his vision darkened as he focused on the kill, beguiled by the artery, organ, or orifice he was aiming for, watching, detachedly, as his fingers plunge into their skin, and remove from the neck, chest, stomach, or eye socket the item from within – like a crane claw at a carnival trying to pluck out the most valuable toy. And then he went for the next.

And the next. And the next. And the next, and the next, and the next…

Quite suddenly, Gon's voice is far away.

"What about the ones you do remember?"

Killua's sure, as his head whips over to him, his expression is far from tranquil.

Gon corrects himself. "I'm sorry. Is that too personal of a –?"

"No, I'm just –" A bubble rises in his throat that renders him unable to speak – he's crying into his hands.

Gon hiccups his name in surprise, not sure he fully understands the implications behind Killua's tears. All he knows is that he's pulling Killua's shoulders and entire body close to him. Killua's still heaving as Gon's hands rest on his shoulders, but Killua leans back, endeavoring to control himself. "You didn't want to be a Hunter until you met Kite, right?"

Gon sighs, knowing Killua's trying to act tough as he wipes tears from his face.

"Yeah, I hadn't even known about Ging until only a few years before I left for the Hunter Exam…" He refuses let go of Killua, though he gives him some space.

"Did you want to be anything before then?"

"Mmm… On Whale Island you were either a merchant or a sailor. I thought sailing might be fun, but it was because I'd be able to go out on the ocean and see a bunch of places. After Aunt Mito expressed her disapproval, I felt guilty whenever I thought about it, so I wasn't sure what I would do until I met Kite…" Gon takes in the rawness around Killua's eyes. He seems to have calmed down, though his hand remains on Killua's shoulder, trembling with his breath. "Are you okay?"

 _What do you think?_ he wants to gibe. Instead, he sends Gon a pink-eyed glare.

Gon can't help it. He snorts.

"Yeah, yeah," grumbles Killua, wiping his eyes for the last time, "I'm sure I look pretty fuckin' funny now, don't I?"

"Yeah," Gon agrees. Without really thinking, he takes Killua's arm and draws it close to his chest, smiling shyly. "Hilarious."

A vibration beneath them causes both of them awkwardness. They hastily look away.

"Oh, that's my beetle phone," says Gon, a hand flying to the side pocket of his shorts.

Killua jumps back in alarm. "You still have your phone?!"

Clicking through the screens to find out what caused the notification, Gon mumbles, "Yeah, why wouldn't I –?"

Before he can realize, the phone is no longer in his hands, but sailing out the open window, down into the clear ocean water. They watch it plunge into the ocean depths, peering over the edge of the open window sill.

"…How are we going to contact anybody if we need help now?" Gon asks, monotone.

Killua turns back inside. "We won't need to."

Gon looks back at him, hands still on the windowsill. "Oh? Why do you say that?"

"We can figure it out together, right?"

Once again, Gon is aware of how much older Killua seems – how much older they both are. Killua's puffed out chest transmits confidence as he gestures to himself with one thumb – but it's not like usual. His fingers are looser, more slender, more comfortable, as are his toned arms.

Gon stands beside him, taking Killua's hands into his own – clasping them more fully now, without any distractions. "Yeah, you're right."

Pinkness from embarrassment spreads on Killua's cheeks. There's mainly darkness surrounding them in the airship and outside, but the far city lights are bright enough for him to see the tenderness in Gon's smile.

 _Hey, hey now… If you keep up with this, Gon…_

He gulps, lips parting – as if he wants to say it aloud.

 _I_ really _won't be able to stop myself…_

* * *

 **Hello, my children. I'm dead. I'm in college now and HOHBOY. I'm like. Not the same person anymore. Lmao.**

 **Anyway, rather than be a productive human being, I decided to write a chapter of my fanfiction because, despite being reborn, I am still a fucking weeaboo idiot nerd who would love to see my OTP become canon someday. Or just cry on each other's shoulders, idk. It changes by the minute. Hopefully I'll get to most of that here – that is why I'm writing it, after all.**

 **This chapter was made of pain of all forms, so I hope you enjoyed drinking my tears, as I will surely enjoy yours. Thank you all, and please don't forget to leave your thoughts below!**


	9. Chapter 9

**~ Chapter 9 ~**

* * *

" _Promise me you won't ever cast aside your own life like that again. If you can't do that, then I… we… I can't do it, alright?! So promise me!" The moon haloed over his friend's silver hair, his slender fingers interlocked with rugged tan ones as they walked home, sharing the glow…_

The sun hung high above Gon's head as he strolled into town the next day. He'd let Killua sleep in, careful not to awaken him, as it was usually his friend who woke up first. A calmness had overcome him and he felt as if invincible. Ever since Alluka and Palm started spending so much time together, Killua had switched rooms so Palm could move into his and Alluka's old one. It was just like old times.

" _I'm sure Alluka's having a good time,"_ Killua had said. _"Let them do what they want."_

Things were going well, and better yet, _Killua said we could all travel together again when the time comes._ Gon could hardly contain himself – in fact, he'd gone out hunting for something to get for him, but being the Japponian day of rest, the marketplace hadn't had more than a few stalls open.

Upon re-entering the teahouse and sliding the door closed, Gon heard Palm's angry, sirenic voice coming from her and Alluka's room. "IDIOT! Why didn't you tell him?!"

When it was Killua's annoyed albeit strangely subdued voice that answered, Gon made the decision to sneak behind the door.

"It's fine, I'm sure he got the message," Killua grunted. "There's no point in worrying him any more than –"

Killua cut himself off, turning and standing from his cross-legged position, toward the door. Gon cursed under his breath. They were too acute to each other's aura to be able to hide from the other, or even activate Zetsu in the same vicinity.

Gon revealed himself in defeat before Killua could look behind the door, not sure what to make of the butt-end of the conversation.

"I was wondering where you've been," Killua said before Gon could ask what they'd been talking about. Taking an arm across Gon's shoulders, Killua spun him around. Gon only saw Palm's indignant expression before being led from the room.

"Killua, is everything okay?" he asked. Killua's arm was too forceful on his neck for him to be able to escape. He tried not to pay it much mind.

"Huh? Of course it is," the ex-assassin dismissed.

"Then what were you talking about in there?"

"Nothing – Palm was just wondering how long you, Alluka, and I are going to be staying in Jappon until we head out. Morel, Knuckle, Shoot, and Meleoron are planning to leave sometime within the next few days, y'know."

…Gon didn't want to push it. He didn't know how to reason through Killua hiding things from him so soon after he told Gon not to do the same thing.

 _Is he making fun of me? Does he really think I don't know who that was about…?_

After grabbing something to eat, they headed into the modern parts of town to look at the gift shops – well, Gon was trying to get a better idea of what Killua would like. Doubt had started to creep in the back of Gon's mind though, especially after New Years when Killua had been so indirect and affectionate, close and far away at the same time… What could him and Palm possibly have been talking about that made Killua sound so… forlorn?

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Killua looked over to find Gon watching him, and he laughed at first, bending forward into the earring rack he'd been surveying. "What's with you, Gon? I already told you that everything was –" Seeing Gon's brow wrinkle in worry, he faltered. "– fine…"

There was no sign of the embarrassing, shameless, and innocent boy he used to know. Gon was being completely serious, if also seeming somewhat annoyed. "I just don't want you to hide things from me either – is all," Gon said breathlessly, spreading his arms. "I hope you know that you can tell me anything. I don't mind. I want to know…"

Gon watched him carefully, but Killua could only think of earlier that day…

 _He'd peeped his head around the corner to look into Palm and Alluka's room and found wavy wiry black hair facing him. Palm sat on the floor in a lotus pose toward the garden window: legs crossed over each thigh, thumb and middle finger encircled, head declined._

" _Oh, Palm. Do you know where Alluka is?"_

 _Opening her aqua-blue eyes, Palm spoke levelly. "She said something about traveling with Bisky to see what she could do with her Nen."_

 _Having been rubbing his bedhead of wild hair, still half-asleep, this woke Killua up. "She went with Bisky?!" he burst. "That brute could crush Alluka without even trying! Do you know where they went?!"_

" _They'll be fine," said Palm, irritated at being interrupted during her morning meditation for this. She recrossed her legs and gestured to him to sit down. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you something."_

" _Hm?" Killua sat down in front of her, crossing his legs to follow suit._

" _I saw Gon leave early this morning in a giddy mood," she said. "Usually he doesn't go anywhere without you. I noticed you two were gone longer than anyone was awake last night too. I didn't have either of you registered in Wink Blue, so… did anything…?"_

 _Killua nodded, watching the grey carpet past his curled fingertips, resting on his knees. "Yeah."_

" _May I ask?"_

" _Yeah," said Killua, sitting up a little bit, but refusing to look her in the face. "I told him he can never even dare to_ think _about giving up over something like that again. Otherwise I'd smack him good for it."_

 _Palm sighed, head drooping down in exhaust. "I hope you didn't say it like that."_

 _Killua grimaced at her. "Of course not! Believe it or not, I actually try when it comes to my friends."_

 _Upon hearing how casually he used the word "friend," it made Palm further curious – and a little worried. "So I take it you told him about… what happened in the palace, right?"_

 _Killua furrowed his snowy eyebrows. "What do you mean?"_

" _When you found me, and everything you said…"_

 _Unconsciously, Killua's spine went stiff. He easily recalled the vapid emptiness as his forehead and arms sunk into the stony floor, choking on his own tears and unable to breathe as he searched hopelessly for something to fill the hole Gon's words had created deep inside him, down in his very core, in his soul, worse than anything he'd ever imagined – worse than everything his family had done to him, in a way…_

 _He'd blocked out everything else, unaware of Royal Guard Shaiapouf egging on the estranged Palm to kill him while she had the chance. "What would be the point in telling him that…?"_

 _Palm's worried face transformed below the omniscient violet orb on her head, into something of disbelief and anger. "Because he's your friend and he means a lot to you – IDIOT! Why didn't you tell him?!"_

" _It's fine, I'm sure he got the message," said Killua, no longer attached to his words. "There's no point in worrying him any more than –"_

Back in the giftshop, Killua glanced momentarily away from Gon's delicate stare, and retracted his hands from the earring rack in front of him. "You don't have to worry about me. I'll tell you if something is wrong, alright?"

As Killua stepped over to the next rack of cheap jewelry, Gon thought, reassuring himself, _I should trust him._ _He isn't the type to lie to friends._

He was only half correct.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

A week passed, and the gang split off their separate ways – not without a heartfelt good-bye, choking hugs, and tears all around from Knuckle and Hanzo especially. Everyone agreed to stay in touch. Then Gon, Killua, Alluka, Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo boarded an airship going the near-opposite direction from Knov, Morel, Knuckle, Shoot, and Meleoron – Hanzo stayed behind in Jappon. When Alluka asked if Bisky and Palm could travel with them, there was no way Gon or Killua could refuse – even if it wasn't entirely what Killua wanted, though he wasn't quite sure why. He was certainly glad she had company other than himself… but it almost felt like she was keeping something from him.

Next stop was the northernmost tip of the Azian Continent, far from the government upheaval caused by the Dark Continent. The weather was beginning to turn back to spring, and the two friends found themselves alone – in fact, Ikalgo had made a blatant point of _not_ tagging along this time.

They were hiking up a windy cliff by the sea, greenery all around. In the distance were low mountains covered in vegetation too. The salty seawind felt good on Killua's face, blowing white hair around his head. His hands were in light-brown shorts pockets, a loose open blue plaid jacket around his shoulders over a white T-shirt. Gon was walking right beside him, camo-green pants and a white turtle-necked sleeveless shirt.

While they were talking, each time their arms brushed against each other, Killua couldn't help the neuronic crawl of warmth that shot up his entire body. He did his best to ignore it – sure his friend didn't feel the same. Gon continued to speak without pause.

They stopped at the apex of the cliff, overlooking the rocky beach hundreds of feet below, the vastness of the sea.

"Killua, I'm glad you're here with me."

Killua grinned, his chin falling as he chuckled. "Jeez, you're still going on about that?"

"Because I am," said Gon, smiling wider and turning toward his best friend. "I've missed you."

"Yeah…" Killua wanted to stifle his current happiness, afraid of when it would come to an end. He wanted to stand there forever with the late afternoon sun on their faces, the wind chilling his skin just enough to better enjoy the warmth. He knew he had to be able to share his happiness for it to mean anything for Gon, though… "I really missed doing everything together when we were apart," he mentioned smoothly.

"Really?" Gon asked, the intrigue in his eyes overwhelming, riveted on Killua's every motion.

"Yeah… I mean…" Killua scratched the back of his head. He thought of all the times he'd awoken in bed crying with Alluka at his side wondering what made him so inconsolable, unable to understand or do anything for her brother – so that he tried to leave the room whenever nightmares of the war – and other things – plagued him. He had no intention of burdening her with them.

Now, sleeping beside Gon again each night, the dreams had all but disappeared – or he simply didn't remember them. He hoped the same was true for his best friend, but… he didn't know for sure.

"I mean," said Killua stubbornly, watching the rising and falling waves of the indifferent ocean, "when we separated… I wasn't sure… we could get along anymore," he admits. "I even thought of not answering your texts, but I'm really glad I did."

Gon turned toward the ocean. "I was really worried you wouldn't get what I was trying to say when I texted you about New Years, or that you wouldn't answer." He smiled, tilting his head back toward his friend. "But I'm really glad you did too. When you were avoiding me the first week, it felt really weird! I was afraid to approach you because I thought I would get on your nerves, haha!"

Despite Gon's laugh, Killua's gut twisted at the statement. _Gon, you could never get on my nerves…_

"So it was nerve-wracking trying to speak at first." Gon's amber eyes were lost to the sun's rays and the glowing sea, nostalgic of a time that felt unreal to him, knowing what he did now. Gon shrugged as he giggled childishly to himself. _Yeah,_ he thought. _I want to stay here, like this, watching day turn to night with you at my side._ "Yeah, I've definitely missed you…"

They took the mountain path back to the village where the others awaited. The sky turned dark, and bright stars winked overhead. Given the darkness and coldness of the breeze, Gon couldn't help himself. Seeing how Killua was so thoroughly avoiding him and trying to make it look like an accident, Gon linked an arm around Killua's crooked elbow, forcing the other to finally look back at him with wide eyes. He was unable to speak, knowing there was nothing he could say without making Gon more annoying. It wasn't like he wasn't happy with it himself…

Once in sights of the village, Gon's hands came off of him to wave to Bisky and Alluka waiting on the front patio of the hotel. He hurried forward to greet them, leaving Killua feeling unreasonably abandoned.

The warmth from that early afternoon was gone.

"Where have you two been all this time?" Bisky demanded, sounding half irritated and half exhausted, her hands on the hips of her dress.

After fist-bumping Gon, Alluka ran down the path to jump-hug Killua, much to his gladness. "Brother! Did you have a nice time?"

Too focused on having her affection back to remember what he'd been thinking moments before, Killua responded without missing a beat. "Yeah, we went on that cliff by the ocean that you pointed out when we flew in. You'll have to come see it with us sometime, Alluka."

She nodded with a grin. "Yeah!"

"Jeez, you two! Ignoring your teacher after she asks you a question?!" Bisky grumped. Gon and Killua giggled at each other. Bisky puffed out through her nose, gesturing toward the door. "Hurry up, dinner's inside."

Later, Gon pulled back the linens of the bed as he climbed in. "It's nice everyone waited up for us."

"Yeah, but I still think it was weird," said Killua, pulling his shirt off over his head, grabbing the one he kept for sleeping from a nearby chair. "What could the four of them have been doing while we were gone anyway? Even Ikalgo hasn't wanted to come with us the last few times we've gone out… They're all acting weird." He frowned at the floor.

Gon shrugged against his pillow. "I don't think so. Why do you care so much?"

Killua wanted to say it was something about Alluka, but he also couldn't accuse her of anything. "I guess I don't," he grunted, scooting under the covers beside Gon, and turning toward the outside of the bed. "G'night."

"Night, Killua," Gon said as he turned off the lamp switch over the bed on the wall, and snuggled down.

In Greed Island, they'd shared sleeping space together so many times that when Bisky suggested they share a bed in the hotel, neither had understood the reason for the lascivious laughter that crept from the hand over her mouth.

" _Yeah, that's fine," said Gon._

" _If it'll cost less money, I'm good with that," Killua agreed._

 _Bisky gave them a blasé look, arms sagging. "…Really, you two?"_

" _What?! You're the one who suggested it, you old –!"_

And that had been the end of that conversation.

Killua's arms were sprawled under his pillow and he was snoring in minutes, but Gon found himself fidgeting. He still hadn't found anything to give Killua at any of the gift shops they'd gone to… and the end of the conversation he'd heard in the teahouse just wouldn't go away.

Gon scooched just a little closer to Killua. Their legs barely touched, and he didn't dare get any closer. Killua made no move either way.

Maybe someday, Killua will tell him all things he keeps from Gon. _Maybe someday, I'll be as important to Killua as Killua is to me…_ Though he hadn't said it, Gon knew – he felt it in his heart. There were many things Killua was hiding from him, both large and small. About past and present alike. One day, he hoped Killua would trust him to tell it all.

 _But until then, this is enough…_

Killua wasn't fully asleep yet when he felt warmth near his skin, but he was too tired and close to sleep to react as he drooled onto his pillow. For some reason, he didn't want to move away either…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

As Gon clutches his friend's slender hands under the dim yellow light shining some ways behind them, he knows Killua is listening intently to his words but hiding something. "Killua, I want to keep staying with you."

The hollow flow of air through the desolate airship emphasizes just how alone they are, surrounded by the dark ocean and distant land. The space here after their meal is warm, if also vaguely familiar. Killua's eyes never leave him, though his chin lifts hopefully. "Oh…?" His voice is unsure, absentminded.

Gon says quietly, staring into Killua's eyes, "I don't want us to separate again…" His fingers grip Killua's harder. "I want to always be by your side." Startled by himself, his determination, Gon breaks contact and looks down. "This is so weird…" he murmurs.

Killua stays silent, seeing how conflicted Gon seems as he watches their shoes – brown hiking boots and Killua's purple sneakers. Without being entirely conscious of his actions, Killua leans forward, gripping Gon's hands in return. Actually, he resists the urge to fling his arms over Gon's shoulders and pull him in again. Fuzzy thick white bangs press to Gon's forehead. The other feels how soft his friend's hair is – if not also slightly straw-like from their electricity-charged dash through the city, up the plateau-like complex.

Gon is taken aback. There's something Killua isn't saying – that neither of them are. All he knows is his deep concentration in trying to figure out what to say has been broken. All he can hear is his heart pounding in his ears, heat on his face –

Killua abruptly cuts off their shared grizzle, leaning back. His fingers continue to grasp Gon's, but he lowers them, trying to quiet his own fluttering chest. "Gon, thank you for everything," he says quickly – but not at all carelessly. To Gon, it sounds like he's crying – or close to it – and he immediately glances toward his face.

The heat and nervousness of the moment before is gone. Instead what Gon finds is his best friend's half-grin and those sapphire eyes shimmering with tears. "I'm really glad I've gotten to be your friend," Killua splutters.

The expression his friend is making now is too unfamiliar – humble and gentle genuinity. Gon isn't sure how to respond. His vision is splotchy from faintness and his knees feel weak.

"Yeah," whimpers Killua, taking a hand away from Gon's fingertips to wipe his eyes. He sob-laughs and more tears stream down his cheeks from below the forearm covering his eyes. A great relief has suddenly fallen over him – heavier than the one draped over him when they parted at the World Tree. _I've finally said it properly…_ yet not quite.

He's smiling too wide, his arm still over his eyes. "I'm just really, really glad… that I got to know you…" Upon remembering what Gon said before this, Killua peers from underneath his arm to look into Gon's eyes. "Did you… really mean that…? Staying together…"

Suddenly his best friend is glowing before him. Gon's amber eyes twinkle with the reflection of the sea, his hand never leaving Killua's, in fact gripping steadier than before, the light shadows playing over his dark skin, highlighting his smile in so many delightful ways. Killua doesn't have to say any more. Gon nods vigorously, caught in euphoria and a certain fearlessness. "Yeah, I really did mean it, Killua! Just being together makes me happy." _I mean, I finally met Ging, and I never really had any other goal aside from that… but…_ "I know I'll be okay no matter what I do… as long as you're there with me. So I want to keep staying with you."

Killua's chest hurts – he's overheating, and yet frozen as he glances shyly up at Gon, through silver bangs, and eyelashes dewed with tears. "E-even if Illumi's on our tail…?" _Even though I can't help you no matter what I do… and only hurt you in the end?_

Gon's smile never wavers. "Yeah. As you said, we can fight him together, right?"

Killua scowls at him, fighting the blush on his cheeks. "I didn't suggest we fight him, but if that's what you want…" He doesn't finish his sentence. He's trying to contain his emotions but it's all too much.

He isn't sure whether to take all this happiness or come back to reality, the reality that his brother is on their tail, and if he doesn't come up with a plan soon, all of this could be thrown back in his face. Not to mention…

 _Gon, you really don't get it, do you?_ Clumsily, Killua takes one of Gon's hands in both of his, bringing it close to his chest. He clasps Gon's fingers near his beating heart. Gon's smile fades a little, watching Killua, whose expression is no longer the same. The pale boy's barred teeth show behind his lips as he clutches onto Gon's hand, as if he's holding onto his dearest friend's life, his eyes closed and bereft with tears. _Illumi isn't the only person I'm afraid of…!_

His aura dances like the body of a flame, alerting his friend to his unease. Gon can't help but wonder if all Killua had said was like before, during the war. "What's wrong…?"

Killua's pulse quickens beneath Gon's fingertips. His heart feels heavy. "You have no idea…" _No, stop trying to make this about yourself._ He picks his head up. "After everything that happened, I was so confused – I didn't know what to do." He takes a breath and looks up. Gon's focus never wavers. The hand clasped to his chest is nothing short of a miracle. Years ago, Killua never believed feelings of this magnitude were possible for someone like him. During the war, he shocked himself when he broke down in front of Palm…

And now, he's afraid he'll harm the one he loves most because of his violence and inexperience with love. _Because of my curse._ As a member of the Zoldyck Family…

He already told Gon he could do whatever he wanted to him. He already told him how much he means to him – but what's the point, if…

Killua's fingers loosen. "I don't know." …And he slips away. "We should get some rest."

Again, Gon is tongue-tied by the things he's unsure how to approach. But this can't continue. "Why do you keep doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Act like you're about to say something and then cut yourself off…"

Killua turns around again to face him. "You were my first friend. Nothing will ever change that, but… sometimes, I wonder if…"

"If what…?" prompts Gon, a little worried about Killua using the past tense.

"I wonder if you know… how much I –"

The airship lurches forward, and Gon grips the table built into the window walls as he's aware of their plates and the remains of their meal – bones and bits of lard – shattering on the distant wall of the hallway. The entire airship dips forward in the sky, plunging diagonally toward the earth after flying over hours of ocean.

"What the –?!" Gon cries.

"No human spy could track us through such dense forests!" Killua hollers behind him, hands fastened to the surface of the same table to keep himself from following their plate shards on the bottom of their new floor. "Who could be following us?!"

Every beam around them shudders as they pick up speed, careening toward the ground, pushed upward by their own weight but forced downward by the airship miraculously making harbor toward land as if pulled by an invisible thread. The stitching of the ship's balloon rips audibly as an onrush of air batters it from all directions, causing the gas within to escape, and alerting Gon and Killua to the fact that a puncture hole must have been made somewhere.

Killua's about to activate Godspeed when a wave of dizziness causes the world to twirl above and below him – wherever that may be. When his grip fails, he starts falling. Gon screams out his name and leaps down after him, grabbing his arm as his feet land firmly on a support beam between two of the large windows.

Killua hangs limply from Gon's arm, face hidden by white hair. The water is very close now; they'll be crushed by the beams directly above and below them if they stay. Gon hauls his friend over his shoulders, grunting as he invokes what little aura he has left and, hardening both legs, launches himself through the large window beside him and out onto the sand. He loses grip on Killua as they tumble, followed by shards of glass; it's not too long after that the airship crashes onto a shoreline behind them, sending a plume of smoke and fire upward. Fire is sweeps all the way to the forest occupied by dark trees, over a hundred feet away.

Gon's cheeks, bare arms, and shoulders are scraped and raw from the sand, but as soon as he's able, he lifts himself, trembling, onto his hands and knees, scrambling over to Killua who lays sideways in the sand, unconscious. "Killua!" He turns his friend over to see blood spilling from one arm and his temple, and his breath shortens. "Killua, wake up!" The ringing in his ears only becomes worse when he inhales sharply.

The airship's metal skeleton is littered in rags of burnt fabric, half in the ocean and half out, as it crackles and pops and shrieks at the high temperatures caused by fire fed directly by reactive gas. Gon feels himself hyperventilating, not sure what to do. He's never faced such a crisis alone before. He's afraid for his friend, for their entire situation – but the sounds of footsteps within the trees behind stops the sobs from rising in his throat, further clouding his judgement.

When he looks over, all that expands before him is the darkness of the forest. No, within, a figure becomes visible. As the person comes forward into the firelight, surrounded by night's cloak, the outlines of more appear. They lurch forward with unnatural jerky movements, saliva running down their cheeks, eyes rolled upward to show the whites of their eyes. It makes Gon's skin crawl.

He spots huge round needle heads sticking out of their skulls, reflecting the fires behind him.

Gon searches for an opening to escape with Killua among the slow-moving Needlemen, until he feels the blood drain from his face and the world become cold.

Amongst the horde of obeying soldiers, a tall, anfractuous figure appears among them. He steps forward with all the grace of a born leader. Dressed in black, his hair shifts forward and back around his body, crossing over the two mauve stripes down the sides of his attire outlining his hourglass figure.

Those endless eyes set upon Gon, reflecting none of the fire sweltering behind Gon in the darkness – void of light or emotion. Gon's heartbeat is a dull but loud thrum in his ears as Illumi finally comes to a halt.

The Nen master's face contorts with a twisted smile, his voice smooth yet grating against Gon's ears. "Oh, it's you again. Just what do you think you're doing with my little brother?"

* * *

 **There's probably only gonna be a few more long flashbacks after this. As some of you may have noticed, I tried to post this chapter before but quickly took it off. Admittedly my lack of planning somewhat caught up to me, and the chapter I had originally posted served no clear purpose so I decided it best to take it down. My rewrite is largely the same but again, now has a clear point.**

 **Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave your thoughts below~**


	10. Chapter 10

**~ Chapter 10 ~**

* * *

He was always reckless in the past – taking on opponents so much stronger than him.

With only a light coat of Nen surrounding his body, Illumi's maleficent aura stabs needles at him from every direction. He already feels beat; the hairs on his neck and arms poke at his sweaty skin, head pounding fiercely for a solution to this impossible equation.

He's outnumbered a hundred Needlemen and Illumi to one, lacking anything other than basic Ten and his own physical strength. Killua is unconscious at his side.

Gon is essentially helpless.

 _It's just like before,_ Gon thinks. _Except I really have nothing strong enough to attack back with, and no chance of winning…_

The corners of his mouth pull up, as if by the drawstrings of a marionette.

 _Yeah, back then, if it hadn't been for Killua…_

He would have met his doom long ago. Whenever he fought alone, he ended up with battle wounds beyond repair – or so he thought…

And now, he needs Killua more than ever. He knows it. But he has to do this alone.

Illumi senses fear in Gon's aura, flickering like a starved flame. Defiance and determination are also evident in his protective stance, however. Gon won't go down without a fight.

Though the reasons are similar, Illumi is nothing like the hilariously absentminded and overprotective older brother that Gon remembers from the Hunter Exam. He's clearly been brewing over his plans for this exact moment for years, overpowerment permeating danger from his every move. He's fully aware he can't continue to play the strangely-overprotective-but-loving older brother anymore. Not if he wants to secure his clutches around Killua once again.

Outstretching one hand, Illumi commands, "Step away from my little brother."

Gon cringes from Illumi's aura being blasted his way, but he stands his ground. "Never – you'll have to go through me first!"

Illumi lowers his hand, molding back into the darkness of his body. The forest behind cloaks the tall Zoldyck in black. Aside from the high neck piece on his jacket where dozens of needles in different sizes and colors protrude out, only two mauve stripes, running down his black attire from shoulder-to-ankle, give any alert to his movements. The fire of the airship skeleton some ways behind Gon and Killua hardly reflects any light back from the black void that is Illumi's figure.

His head tilts to the side as he smiles slyly. "You misunderstand." His voice slithers like a viper, venomous and hard to grasp. "I have no intention of killing Killua. Killua is my brother. _We're family_. Family doesn't kill family."

Gon feels his fingernails dig into his palms as his hands ball into fists, but his fear subsides. No matter what happens, Killua will survive. " _'Family'_ shouldn't go to such lengths," he spits back, despite there being more he'd like to say, the past few weeks fresh in his mind.

As Illumi steps forward, he promenades through sand and bits of the wreckage with flat black shoes. What Killua said flashes through Gon's mind:

" _Illumi is a Manipulator. If he got one of his needles in one of us there'd be nothing we could do. We might end up fighting against each other… maybe even hurt each other. I mean, I had no idea he was controlling me for so many years with the needle in my – head."_

Gon swallows thickly, his eyes never leaving Illumi. _If even Killua couldn't detect a needle back then, for all those years…_ There's no way he can.

On either side of Illumi are Needlemen, jerking forward with every step and blocking Gon's view of escape through the trees. Even if he was alone, it would be impossible.

As Gon takes a closer look at the Needlemen Illumi has under his control, he realizes most are dressed in civilians' clothing, with little to no aura emanating from them at all other than that of the needles sticking out of their heads making them into mindless, obeying soldiers. They're even more defenseless than Gon is, besides the fact that they'll continue to move and attack on command without reservation from pain or death.

Gon feels his resolve harden his body and his mind. To think Killua could have been made into something like this…!

"You bastard," he shouts at Illumi. "I'll tear you apart if I have to! I'll never let you touch Killua again!"

About ten feet away from him now, Illumi laughs loudly, coming to a halt. He lifts a hand once more, this time pointing upward and near his head. Gon prepares himself for another Nen attack, covering his body in as much Ten as possible, but instead all he hears is a snap as Illumi's fingers rub together, ringing in his ears.

"Get Gon."

Swarming at him with their mouths agape, slobbering in globs all over the sand, Needlemen rush at him from all sides. Their arms reach out to seize him, and Gon immediately goes on the defensive, taking Killua's unconscious body over his shoulders and leaping away. Illumi doesn't move a muscle.

"Coward! Face me yourself!" Gon screams at him.

Illumi smirks. "If I did that, it would be all too easy."

The way he said it makes Gon wonder about his motives, but he isn't given time to think about it. Where he once stood, a pile of Needlemen struggles over each other, limbs tangled and eyes lolling. In midair, more Needlemen jump up from below, grabbing at Gon's ankles, driving him into the sandy ground. He crashes somewhere closer to the burning wreckage of the airship, Killua beside him, his bloody face and arms caked in sand and blood, and Gon grunts as he stands and endeavors to lift Killua but the Needlemen are upon him. Their hands grip his arms and legs, shoulders and neck, restraining him. Gon yanks himself free with his immense physical strength, but it's enough to send their bodies flying in every direction. He hears some of them splash in the ocean behind him and others bang against the metal wreckage of the airship, and gasps at the realization that these are real people and he could injure them badly if he's too careless, rendering them unable to recover from their zombified state. He holds himself back as he attempts to shake them off, but now it isn't enough. More and more swarm and grab hold, the sheer weight alone forcing him to his knees.

When they have completely restrained him, hands gripping his limbs and torso, leaving only his head free, Illumi walks forward until they're face-to-face. He stares coldly down at Gon, ghost-like face devoid of emotion – not even any hint of triumph. "Easier than I thought," he remarks, almost disappointed. "It's a wonder why Killua sticks around you when you're so useless. He's the most powerful assassin of us all, you know. And these people –" He gestures to the Needlemen around them. "– they're already beyond the point of helping."

Gon glares up at him, not saying a word. His amber eyes reflect the fires slowly consuming what's left of the airship. Red-hot and angry.

Removing a needle from the cowl-neck of his jacket, Illumi holds it out for Gon to see. It's smaller than the rest, thin, and gold, with a hook on either side. Gon knows immediately what it's for, given its length and size. His shoulders struggle for freedom, but the Needlemen's grip is strong.

"I promised a colleague of mine that I wouldn't harm you beyond repair – so don't worry. It shouldn't hurt that much," Illumi taunts, inching his hand with the needle closer. "You could get away if you wanted to, since you really are a brute – your strength is the only high point about you," he comments thoughtfully. His eyelids raise slightly, as if it's clicking in his mind. "Maybe Killua befriended you so he could use your raw power for missions and such. You just can't seem to throw away your morals though, not even to save yourself."

"Shut up!" Gon shouts. "You don't have any morals – treating your own brother like that to make sure he doesn't turn into something you don't want?! Killua isn't anything like you say!"

For a moment, Illumi looks surprised, but then his features soften. "Gon Freecss." He says it like a declaration, like an executioner. The skin over his white mask-of-a-face loosens into something terrifyingly human – was it _sympathy?_ "You'll never understand our world. Killua is destined to be an assassin – ruling with Alluka at his side. You know nothing about him."

Gon knows Illumi's only trying to get inside his mind, but the words echo and bite at him in a way he never expected – because of the truth they hold.

 _You know nothing about him. You know nothing about Killua._

He's about to utter, "That isn't true," when –

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

They were still traveling in the Azian Continent when Alluka dropped the news.

Apparently, she had already spoken with Bisky and Palm about telling Killua, and they had told her she had to do it herself, sometime when they were alone. Trying to wrack up the courage to do so explained her avoidance of him for the last few months.

She was hesitant for more than a few reasons. Alluka knew – she remembered – before meeting up with the Chimera Ant Extermination crew and Hanzo, her brother awaking so many nights in their bed in a cold sweat, unmoving for hours, sometimes, but breathing fast.

Eventually he'd get out of bed and leave the room, sometimes for hours, sometimes for the entire night, and would return in the morning with a huge smile on his face. When she asked about it, he'd only mutter bits and pieces. Due to her wish-granting ability, she hadn't gone through nearly as much training as the other Zoldycks, but in its place, severe isolation, and dehumanization to a different degree.

Alluka could do nothing for him, except offer to let Nanika heal the scars of things that had been done – erasing evidence of it on the outside, though there was hardly anything to be erased already. She couldn't touch the trauma done to his mind without creating false memories or completely brainwashing him, making him into another person entirely. So she said nothing about that. After he refused to erase the largest scar, the one on his back, she stopped asking. He never said much, only wishwash statements like: _"I had another nightmare about the past,"_ or _"I just miss my best friend."_ If she further interrogated about the details, he'd remain quiet, clamming up no matter how gently she nudged him to talk, until finally he'd say, _"I don't know – I can't remember now,"_ and suggest they do something else.

He spoke very little about the past except vaguely, still acting protective and loving toward her as though pretending the past never happened.

Around the others, Alluka grew out of herself more than she ever had before. They all lived in the present, speaking freely about what had come to pass, that she began to speak freely about it too. She noticed how Killua became when she spent more time with the others than with him – on-edge, caught between morose and _envy_. She had been the same not long ago, but it frightened her. Being more adventurous and socializing with others from the outside world – it had definitely been a good change.

"Brother, Nanika and I have been thinking… we should travel apart from each other for a while."

"Wh… A-Alluka…?"

The support distaff – and Ikalgo – had been waiting outside the hotel room when Killua rushed out, breathing hard. "Did you know about this?" he demanded from Ikalgo, deducing the truth from Bisky and Palm. He pointed accusingly at the octopus, who pointed at himself in turn.

"Me? No, not really – I've known for the last few weeks because I overheard, but I wasn't a part of –"

"You knew and you didn't tell me?!" Killua burst. There was a veracious fury in his voice, enough to make his aura shudder and swirl, startling all present – even Alluka, back in the room and oblivious of Nen. Upon seeing the shock on Ikalgo's face, Killua felt bad and turned, feet falling hard on the carpet as he stomped down the hall, going faster and faster until he broke into a run.

It was expiation for leaving her at the Zoldyck Estate for all those years, not a thought for her in his mind – whether that was due to outside influences, such as Illumi's needle, or not, it was unforgivable. _It's all my fault!_

Killua was gone for over an hour when Bisky called Gon, who had fittingly gone out to the city to buy something for his best friend. The group had told him not to return without something, keeping him in the dark about the entire ordeal, hoping he would be able to lighten Killua's mood after Alluka told him, since no one was expecting it to turn out pretty – but none of them thought Killua would have such a labile reaction. Bisky informed Gon of the actual situation, and asked that he find Killua and talk some sense into him. "If anyone can do that, it's you, Gon."

He felt a lump in his throat at the trust and pressure everyone was putting on him, almost not believing Bisky's story that Killua had gotten angry enough to yell at them and run away.

First, Gon went back to the hotel, the fanciest one the group had rented out during all of their travels – except maybe the teahouse in Jappon – due to its size and location. He found Alluka in her and Palm's room, holding a wet tissue in her hands, looking out the large window toward the seaport city, tears still falling down her pale cheeks. Cargo ships and sailboats glided in and out of the bay surrounded by tall buildings. It was a beautiful, clear day with hardly a cloud, the shadows of afternoon falling over hotels painted in bright colorful shades.

Gon down sat beside her on the bed, setting aside the small box in his hands. He watched her sympathetically.

"I-I knew he wouldn't like it," she sniffed, looking down at the tissue in her hands. "He's been really clingy the last few years… I just – I hoped since you two were together again, it wouldn't be such a big deal…"

Gon breathed out heavily through his nose. He also looked out the window. "Yeah, I'm not sure what could be going through his head right now." Then back at Alluka. "But I wish you'd told me sooner. I could have been there to help."

Alluka turned to face him, her dark crystal-blue eyes boring into him, clutching at his wrist. "Please, Gon. You have to find him – I'm worried what kind of trouble he could get himself into when he isn't thinking."

"Don't worry, I'll find him, all right. And I'll find a way to kick some sense into him," he half-grumbled, rolling his eyes. "He can be a drama queen sometimes." He recalled how Killua had reacted after his date with Palm, only aggravating her to the point that she chased them down the street with a – well, it wasn't important now.

Alluka smiled at him in earnest, using her tissue to wipe her eyes. "You're a good friend. I know he's happy to have you."

For some reason, hearing it from someone else made his cheeks steam and he felt dizzy.

Alluka patted Gon on the back, smiling again. "Bring him back safe."

Gon nodded, and left the room in a slight daze – but hurried when he saw the worry on Bisky's, Palm's, and Ikalgo's faces.

 _Where would Killua go…?_

People passed him on the street in a rush, their heads down. It wouldn't be hard to hide among the crowds, or in a shop. That wasn't in Killua's nature, though, and it was starting to get cold.

Gon looked toward the stretch of hills covered in pine trees in the distance.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

"Hey, Killua."

"Hey."

The silver-haired boy sat with an arm draped over one raised knee as he stared at the freezing river water. He hardly cast Gon a glance as the islander sat beside him on the log, damp with mist and steam rising from the river. Killua's tone was short but contemplative, and he looked nonplussed, if a little flushed from the cold – he wasn't wearing a coat or sweatshirt.

Exaggeratedly, with one hand over his mouth, Gon cleared his throat. "So, have you figured out what your new goal is yet?"

This made Killua look over at him. "Hah?" he said, honestly confused, bright eyes wide.

"Your goal," Gon repeated. "Now that Alluka is fine on her own, don't you think you should search for something else you want to do?"

Killua's arms were more defined now that they had been working out again for the past three months. Gon noted how his shoulder muscles flexed as Killua's arm fell from his knee and his fingers dug into the rotting bark of their log. "You never stop looking ahead, do you…"

This caught Gon off-guard. His voice sounded far away. Killua said it deadpan, without looking at him.

"You're right about that," said Gon, pragmatic. Feeling there was more to say, he hesitated.

"What's your current goal, then?" Killua asked, his brow hardening as he took off a huge chunk of bark and chucked it into the river to be swept away without a trace.

This again struck Gon dumbfounded, especially when witnessing his best friend's pouty attitude.

Killua smirked under his breath. "You don't know either, do you?"

"…"

"Well, Mr. Optimistic?"

"…I'm thinking how to say it."

"See, you don't have one."

"I have one!" Gon retorted.

"Then what is it?" Killua turned to look at him.

With those beautiful silver-blue eyes watching him, Gon became flustered. "W-well…"

Killua stuck his chin in the air. "Liar, liar, pants on fire!" he crooned.

"Sh-shuddup!" Gon shoved at him roughly, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. His laidback position on the log was disrupted, Killua slapped his arm in return, snickering at Gon's embarrassed expression – though he didn't know its full reasoning. Gon rubbed his now red arm, making an exaggeratedly pained face. Killua just blinked at him, apathetic, before looking back at the water.

After a time of watching the river together, Gon spoke again.

"…Why don't we travel together…?"

"What…?"

Gon felt his pulse quicken. "Yeah, just you and me. Like how we used to. It'd be fun, right?" He glanced at Killua, who was already watching him. He wasn't sure what was in his friend's eyes now. Reluctance… excitement… fear?

Killua asked, barely a whisper, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Gon's gaze fell. _I don't know,_ was the obvious answer. "Do you really want to keep traveling with Alluka and the others after this?"

"…I guess not."

"Then let's leave. Right now."

"Now?!"

Gon nodded, thinking. "Yeah. Well, go talk to Alluka first. And then we should leave."

"It's almost nighttime," Killua puffed.

"All the better!"

Killua looked at him suspiciously, surveying his casual stance. "Gon… are you serious?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

 _No sign of a clear motive…_ "No reason, I guess. Let's go get our stuff."

"Yeah."

"…Right."

So they went back and Alluka threw herself in Killua's arms, and Killua told her that everything was fine, and no, it wasn't her fault. When Bisky suggested they all go out to dinner together, to Killua's astonishment it was Gon who lied and told Alluka, Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo that they wanted some space, and should go on without them. Gon believed it was the right choice not to tell them the truth after, upon arrival, seeing their nosy stares. The way they'd put it on him to handle Killua after dropping the news, rather than take the situation into their own hands, had also convinced him.

Gon packed their stuff in his yellow bag while Killua wrote a note entrusting Alluka's safety and protection to Bisky and Palm, apologizing especially to Ikalgo for leaving him unannounced.

And they were off.

The moon rose high above the pair as they shut the door to their room and turned in the key to the front desk, but neither of them saw it, for it was a new moon.

"Ready?" Gon inquired.

"Yeah," said Killua, not sure how he'd been talked into this, or if he'd even needed convincing at all.

They set out for their adventure, side-by-side though obscured in darkness. Gon knew only what was in his heart. It wasn't something he could put a name to yet. Years around Ging, Kurapika, Leorio, the Hunters of the Association, Greed Island players, and so many others had made him cognizant of it. Like the appraisals Zepile had given them, something wasn't as it seemed, and despite right or wrong, Gon wanted to find out what. Being around anyone but Killua… wasn't getting him anywhere.

The only problem was that he didn't know if that was for selfish or unselfish reasons…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua is aware of the horde of Needlemen the moment he's conscious, sensing Gon's aura in the center – beside that of his older brother. He doesn't even need to think.

He staggers upright, clawing at the sand with his hands and feet. His focus never falters. A vacantness has consumed his gaze, the words _kill kill kill_ having taken over his mind. He activates Godspeed, the last thought in his mind before he blacked out, igniting with blue and white light; his nails sharpen.

Illumi hardly recognizes his brother's bloodlust as Killua lays waste to the Needlemen. Rather than an assassin hungry for the next delectable meal, he's reminded of a parent – no, someone protecting the last thing they have left.

 _Impossible,_ he seethes, jumping back from the chaos just in time.

Most are so sluggish that they hardly have time to react to Illumi's command of _Stop him!_ , reduced to a limp bloodied doll of a person on the ground. Killua shreds through Illumi's minions, one after the other, without hesitation or thought. With Godspeed's power, he can take out ten in four seconds or less. Any that move are effortlessly stopped, Killua's sharp fingers driving between joints and tendons to tear off any limb that might hinder him in the process of extracting the brain or heart. Muscle and bone fly through the air, clean and fast and bright crimson as if pulled from the exoskeleton of a cooked lobster. The smell is terrible. Once he's done with them, their bodies fall, elegantly, twitching in a kind of performative dance toward death. Once he's left them, forgotten, only a pile of human flesh remains, sometimes in pieces, sometimes not. Sometimes anguish is left, frozen in those lolling eyes, sometimes they hold no emotion at all – except, perhaps, blissful liberation.

Gon watches him in horror as blood rains down on the earth, staining the beach of white sand red. He screams Killua's name over and over until his voice is hoarse, but there's no hope in reaching him. Freed from the hands that had held him, Gon can no longer comprehend what he's seeing: his best friend massacre innocent people before his very eyes, no less brutally than the monsters of their past. People who have nothing to do with them and are just obeying orders. He's killing them all.

Gon covers his ears to block out their cries, but it isn't enough. He can't stop watching his eyes – those eyes that show none of the laughter or joy Gon knows as his best friend. Now they are only eyes full of an empty darkness, face devoid of anything else. He hates it – he can't look anymore – yet he can't tear his eyes away.

 _This is Killua,_ he can almost hear Illumi saying, watching from afar. _This is who your beloved "best friend" is._ Gon trembles in fear.

This is Hell. The cries of the Needlemen might as well be the cries of the damned, and the grim reaper stands tall once they've finally fallen, collapsing on the ground with a sploosh of their own blood. He's covered in blood, too – white hair and pale skin hardly visible beneath it all. Concordantly, Gon feels like he's taking a sticky bath, hands still pasted to his ears, unseeing, not breathing.

When Killua looks at him… he feels the weight of everything he just witnessed crashing down. Harder than any blow an enemy could ever leave.

 _This is what I am._

Killua's eyes don't linger for long, for then he collapses himself, onto his hands and knees, head hanging as Illumi draws near – and Gon feels something he never has before:

Pity for his best friend.

* * *

 **Ladjflakds i Almost forgot to write an author's note at the end of this chapter because of how intense it was. Well. Merry Christmas/happy holidays! Here's a very intense chapter. Sorry for not updating last month, things got really busy, aaaahg. I'm hoping to also write a KilluGon one-shot set sometime after or during TIDU in the coming weeks, so please look out for it!**

 **Ahem, okay, serious talk now. This chapter was meant to serve as a parallel to chapter 1, bringing the story full-circle and yet not exactly. (Some have argued** _ **HxH**_ **itself has currently done the same thing, but anyway –) I will now be moving into "season 2" of the fic. Hopefully I don't mess it up, haha~ *sits in the "What Have I Done?"/"Thinker" pose for a few days***

 **Also, I planned my last two chapters a bit more than those preceding, but in general I come up with a motive for my chapters a day or two beforehand – or the day** _ **of**_ **– and write a chapter going off of that and it just becomes… something, along the way. It's just how I roll. (I've edited each of these chapters** _ **at least**_ **10 times.) Hope you like this bloody present from me to you! (I didn't mean to sound British with that statement.) See you in 2018, and don't forget to leave your thoughts below!**


	11. Chapter 11

**~ Chapter 11 ~**

* * *

Breaths rasp in his ears and he's aware of the footsteps treading through viscous blood. His eyes are transfixed by the ground beneath his fingertips, dyed crimson like his hands and arms. Drops fall from his hair onto the previously white sand.

"That was magnificent, Killu," chants the familiar voice of his imprisonment. He can't hear the rest of what Illumi says, closing his mind off to it, but he senses the glee in his brother's tone. He's never killed a group so large and so quickly before, never having grown old enough to use Nen for assassination. Certainly not in front of Illumi…

Before just a few days ago, he'd only had to use blackmail in order to protect Alluka, only had to threaten the other fighters in Heavens Arena and other players in Greed Island who employed sleazy tactics against them. It had been difficult enough to restrict himself to aura and murderous glares to get his message across rather than find release in the trigger-happy frenzy he always found pleasure in before – sawing off fingers, tearing through flesh, breaking bone, twisting heads a little too far. It was all he'd needed.

He hadn't killed any _human_ in years before a few days ago at the seaport. Though he'd realized – they'd all realized – the Chimera Ants were human too in their own way. They possessed memories from their past lives to the point that they embodied the people they had once been. Not all of them regained their memories, and some, despite remembering, continued to work for their own nefarious purposes, but the way they spoke, how they behaved…

They were human enough for him to question how much he had really changed, having killed again without hesitation, driven back to that mindset. Ikalgo was his exception, because of how he reminded him of Gon – and himself – but one life saved wasn't enough to pay for the thousands he'd ruthlessly ended.

His family had been right about him. Killing had been the only thing that brought him joy. In the years leading up to the Hunter Exam, he'd stopped trying to suppress it, his _need_ for death, for control.

But he'd changed in a heartbeat for Gon. In such a short time, spending it with him… Killua realized he had been searching for a reason to stop killing all along.

Of course, the reverse was possible; Killua was fully capable of letting go of his pacified change of heart in order to protect Gon. _No matter what, I will protect you for the month you can't use Nen._

The promise he'd made back then still stood. Killing Rammot had been a cinch once he learned fighting for those you care for maximizes one's motivation, and in turn one's strength. And, being partly responsible for what happened to Gon during the war…

As it had been during those years, protecting him was the least Killua could do… especially now that Gon is permanently incapacitated.

 _Can I even do that anymore?_

Killua remains on his hands and knees, not moving. Hardly existing. He can't look up, knowing what he'll see: soulless eyes that devour his every thought and action, reducing his struggles to nothing, nothing, _nothing_.

 _You can only feel pleasure when people die._

 _Your friendship with Gon means nothing. Your pain means nothing._

 _It means nothing to you._

Those pale, pursing lips, advising him in the best use of his time, the best use of his life, of everything he is, unceasingly picking apart his mind and true desires – what he really is. A killer. A puppet of darkness who wants only to control and overpower others.

"Step away."

Killua looks up.

Illumi has reached the limit of his patience. "How many times do I have to tell you this isn't your affair?"

"I won't let you take another step closer," Gon responds, fists clenched.

"You just watched him massacre hundreds of innocent people," says Illumi, echoing what Killua's thinking in his mind.

Gon says nothing, much to Killua's surprise. He only stands his ground.

"Get up, Killua."

Light enters Killua's expression.

 _Eh…?_

"I wouldn't show your back to him if I were you," says Illumi darkly. "He can turn on you in a second."

"Killua, I said get up," Gon orders. "We have to go."

Killua is caught in disbelief at Gon's unswaying disposition – until sees the reality of his friend's current dilemma. When Gon turns around, he shoots a glare at Killua that tells Killua all he needs to know. Gon is in shock and disgusted, but functional. What motivates him now isn't accusation or anger – that is saved for later – right now, they need to escape.

Killua can feel what Illumi's thinking just from his swirling aura: _You could do it right now. He'll suspect nothing. Kill Gon, and fulfill your true purpose. He'll never understand our world. I'm the only one who will ever love you as you truly are._

Painstakingly, Killua brings himself to his feet. Undeniably the scent of blood in Killua's nostrils has heightened his senses to the point that he feels inclined to lay waste to anyone near him in order to free himself from this hyperactive bloodlust. Gon is not on the list of danger, however. It's only Illumi and his aura of smothering, twisted love.

Gon lowers his chin, feeling the change in Killua's aura behind him. When Killua had gone on his frenzy, Gon hadn't felt only bloodlust, but an oozing madness – the despairing cry of a child trapped in their own destructive habits, having grown up and never been shown the light. Now it's malice Gon feels in his friend's aura, directed at Illumi. _He isn't holding back anymore._ The realization causes Gon to feel uneasy, though Killua makes no move against his older brother.

"Killu, when will you stop denying who you truly are?"

Killua grits his teeth, glaring darkly at Illumi. Standing up to him always depleted his energy. He was going against everything he knew, and despite removing the needle, the fear was so ingrained in him that it reduced him to tears the last time they met like this.

 _No more._

Gon feels what Killua's thinking through his aura. As much as he would love to destroy Illumi here and now, neither of them are equipped for such a thing in this state and without a plan. Even without Nen, Gon can still see autocratic power swirling around the taller Zoldyck. This isn't the Killua he knows, reckless and impulsive.

 _I need to bring him back somehow…_

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua couldn't remember when exactly it started or what specific words were used to describe it. After so many similar occasions, it simply wasn't important enough to remember all of them. It muddled in his mind, growing hazy, distorting reality, becoming truth. Fact. Shaping him into who he is today. There was never a "start" or an "end"; it was just how things were, how they had always been. He never questioned whether it was "right." He never knew something different could be possible.

When he reached a certain age, his family stopped treating his wounds. They would ignore his cries of pain and tell him plainly to do better next time to avoid getting hurt. To them, it was "tough love." To them, it was necessary and beneficial for his development.

With no one to tell him otherwise, Killua assumed they were all correct…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

" _I'm going to use the knife on you here."_

 _Chains clinked above him in the darkness, and his fingers tightened, head overtaken by a fog of delirium. The rancid smell of mold crushed him from all sides, the blade on the small of his back slick and cool, causing him to shiver in the room's heat. He burned all over where it had already made its mark._

 _He squirmed when the cold metal was taken away from his skin, allowed a breath of sickening air until the burning flared up again. Hot liquid oozed out of the newly created wound and down his side, staining his clothes. The chains above his head were louder as he struggled to keep his mouth shut. He forced his limbs to be still, though he trembled all over from the bloody picture being painted on his back._

 _A cry escaped his lips, desperate and mortifying, but he didn't hear it over the buzzing in his ears. More than anything, he was surprised by the vibration it sent down his body, and immediately sealed his lips shut again. Curving around him, the blade stopped._

 _The allaying voice of his older brother cooed, "If you let yourself cry out like that during a mission, you know what will happen, don't you? Be quiet."_

" _I-I'm trying," he stuttered, panting hard. He strained against the cuffs holding his arms above his head, trying to readjust himself against the knife pressed to his spine. The air strangled him in its velleity._

 _The aloofness of the belligerent presence behind him transformed into something cold, calculating, and heartless. Where the blade lingered, Illumi drove it deeper into his skin. Killua shrieked, his body shuddering violently, only causing the knife to twist farther in. Black hair tickled his neck as Illumi leaned forward to his ear, whispering softly, "If you don't keep quiet, I'll make it_ worse _."_

 _The boy nodded emphatically, though he couldn't see, having shut his eyelids so tightly that he was seeing neon colors. Tears stabbed at the corners, but he knew his brother hated self-pitying tears more than screaming. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, until the clinking of the chains was all that rang true once again, and the dungeon was silent._

 _Eventually, the older sibling leaned back from his younger brother, and the burning subsided. "Very good, Killu. You're doing well. Once you've mastered this technique, we'll move on to the more advanced training."_

 _He remained silent, knowing he'd start crying if he opened his mouth._

 _Trailing the cool blade across his skin, Illumi guided the knife down Killua's back. "Here." He pressed it in._

 _Flame ignited. His wrists ached as he fought back the darkness, though the arms of sweet, sweet unconsciousness welcomed him._

 _He pushed it back._

Just a little more, _he thought._ Just a little more…!

 _I can bear it…_

The light of dawn was hardly visible between the curtains. It was a dark blue sky. When Killua saw just how dark, his eyes shot open and he bolted upright on the bed. His head spun as he searched the room, squinting at every article to search for an impending threat – but he didn't recognize where he was. That meant he wasn't at home.

Killua sighed, the pain abating. Gon was beside him on the bed, snoozing soundly. Killua leaned forward, weaving his fingers in his silver hair, attempting to calm his breathing and fast-beating heart. After a few minutes, he heard a rustle behind him.

"Killua…?" Gon was languorous as he rubbed his eyes, sitting up. They were both only in their underwear, having gone to sleep in a hotel in a tropical country. It had gotten colder throughout the night though. The sun was still below the horizon.

Gon had awoken from the surge in Killua's Nen – it was the same Ten-saturated vigilance he used when there was an enemy nearby. Losing his Nen seemed to have made Gon more acute to the aura of those around him – or maybe only Killua's.

"I-it's nothing," Killua lied, turned away from Gon's inquisitive eyes. Gon looked too sleepy to process anything he was saying. Plus, he wouldn't know where to start… It would be pointless. Gon was just a bystander – like with Alluka, explaining would take more energy than the dream had taken from him. It was easier just to deal with it on his own – better, even.

Gon didn't believe it was "nothing" for one second, feeling Killua's anxiety, but he also felt that asking would never make Killua divulge an answer. He wouldn't know how to ask, anyway…

He sat awake as Killua left to go to the bathroom, processing. When Killua returned, he was surprised to see Gon still watching him cautiously – if not also tiredly. Self-consciously, Killua put his legs underneath the covers as he laid back down.

Aware that Gon still hadn't moved from his position, Killua looked over. "What?"

Gon shrugged, still blinking in the low light. His friend's pale shoulders loosened slightly before turning away.

"…Good night, then," Killua said.

"Don't you mean good morning?"

Facing the other wall, Killua scoffed quietly in a way that sounded more like a sneeze. "Whaddyou want, Gon?"

A shift on the mattress, and Killua felt his backside dip, a hand on his arm. White eyebrows crumpled together, eyes shut, he asked, "Jeeeez, wha'izzit, weirdo?" He tried to ignore Gon's sleepy breath tickling his neck, having not yet forgotten the sensations of the dream. Feeling Gon's warm body behind him… he had to keep reminding himself it wasn't a conniving move.

"Aren't you cold?" Gon whispered.

"I'm fine," Killua answered grouchily, yanking the covers up to his chin to remove Gon's hand from his arm.

Gon paused a moment. "Do you mind if I sleep next to you?"

"That's what you're already doing," Killua murmured, already done with the conversation and ready for sleep.

"I mean… right right next to you."

Slurring, his face was half-buried in the pillow, "Sure, do whatever makes you shuddup faster."

Gon didn't exactly like that response. "Killuaaaa!" he whined breathily, so close to his ear.

"Aaaaah, so noisy," Killua groaned. He didn't have the heart to push him back though.

"Pleeeaase, Killua, I'm cooold."

"I already said yes," he said loudly, rotating his head slightly against the pillow. "What're you wai –"

Gon's hand brushed against Killua's lower back. Killua jumped, alerting Gon to his action. The springs of the mattress creaked. All at once he was burning again, in every place Illumi's knife had touched him and more.

"Killua…?" Gon sat up in bewilderment, trying to catch a glimpse of Killua's face. "Are you okay?"

 _What was that…? Why hadn't it…?_ His mind was running in a thousand different directions, trying to understand.

"I'm sorry," said Gon, already scooching away. "I'm sorry for being annoying. I'll sleep on my side of the –"

"No," said Killua, breathless.

Gon watched him, confused.

 _The touch… it hadn't been…_ It burned, but nothing like when it was Illumi touching him. "I didn't mind it," he felt himself saying.

Gon would have thought Killua had lost it, if not for Killua's voice being steady. "Eh…?"

When caught in the joy of the moment, they would touch each other as any friends do, or when space was limited. It was always as a joke, out of safe necessity. It was nothing. Never a purposeful, conscious choice to be made – at least, that's what Gon always told himself… but the air between them now was different. Gon could feel it, and Killua knew.

Gon moved closer, trying to see Killua's face, but his friend made no move nor sound. Only waited.

"…You liked it?" The words almost got caught coming out of his mouth.

Killua's head moved slightly against the pillow. "Mm…"

Gon waited for more of an answer, but it never came. Killua was still trying to figure out what it was, why it was so different – why didn't it bother him?

Slowly, Gon's arm draped around him. Instead of burning, Killua felt warm, daresay warmer than he had ever felt before. Killua's aura relaxed – though, still afraid of another negative reaction, Gon remained a few inches away from him for a spell. Killua's breath only lengthened. He didn't shy away from Gon's touch. He actually seemed to be welcoming him.

Gon scooted closer, until their bodies were pressed against each other. Feeling Killua's legs, arms, and body against his – it put his mind completely at ease. He closed his eyes, tentatively relaxing his worry with a smile as he drifted into sleep…

Killua awoke to the sound of running water. Too embarrassed and confused by last night, he quickly got up to start his morning routine – before realizing Gon was occupying the bathroom, and he would have to wait. He did some stretching instead.

When Gon emerged from the bathroom, he smiled shyly at Killua before saying "good morning." It was so contrasting to his usual bright smile and flowery greeting that Killua wrapped his arm around his shoulders and yanked him forward, mussing his already mussed wet hair. "Gee, what's with you today?"

Gon giggled in Killua's hold, but said nothing more. Killua realized why.

When he took his shower, Killua washed away any lingering feeling of Illumi's blade, and Gon's warm hands…

The day carried on as usual. They spent time together as they always did, but something was different in the air around them, lurking quietly beneath the pleasantness of their playful banter and lingering stares, unaddressed.

That night, Gon wanted to mention it again, the feeling from last night, having been avoiding it – and yet thinking about it all day. He felt asking would be demanding too much. _Then why do I feel the need to…?_ And more importantly, why did he like being that close so much?

He wanted to do it again, he wanted to see if Killua would like to do it again – but the other made no indication. Gon felt it would be too awkward to –

"Killua, do you want to sleep closer again tonight?"

– never mind.

The question struck a flair in Killua's aura in such a short instant that Gon couldn't tell if it was from euphoria or panic.

"Uhh, I dunno…"

"Please…?"

Killua hesitated before turning away on the bed. "Do whatever you want."

Gon wasn't sure what that meant, but Killua's body language didn't change, nor did his aura. When Gon moved closer, Killua tensed, so he refrained from putting his arms around him. Instead, he laid comfortably behind him.

Alert to Gon's every move, Killua quieted his mind as Gon's breath rose and fell behind him, wondering if he would move closer again. His nepenthe came from the warmth of his touch, and yet, while they were close…

They were still so far away…

They were friends, so they didn't have to think of it as meaning anything more than that. They were friends, so getting closer would have been useless anyway. They didn't want to in fear of what the other might think, if he ever found out that it being "only friendship"… wasn't the entire truth.

Neither could face the reality that it was more.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Gon senses the tremble in his friend's state of mind, sees how his fingers strain outward, thirsty for blood. Killua is covered in it – they both are – his hair, skin, and clothes blotted out by it all. The air reeks of gasoline, salt, and decay.

Illumi watches them as unflinchingly as ever, feeling like a black hole as he stands in the fire's light.

 _Why hasn't Illumi made a move yet?_ Gon thinks suddenly. _Surely he senses Killua's bloodlust… Does he not believe that he's serious?_

Gon is about to turn to Killua, to warn him of Illumi's deceitful intentions, but he's afraid of what he'll see – eyes full of darkness, ready to detachedly tear through anything that comes across his path. Right now, he doesn't believe Killua will listen…

"We'll see each other again, Killu," comes his inveigle laugh.

Gon's eyes widen. _What…?_

"Oh, you're leaving?" Killua spits at Illumi. The first words he's spoken since his murderous rampage.

 _Is he leaving because he actually feels threatened by Killua?_ Gon wonders. _Or is there another reason…? Something we can't see…_

Illumi positions himself sideways between the Hunters and the forest, turning his head to cast back one last smirk, promenading away. Killua steps closer to Gon.

"Gon, as soon as he's near the edge of the trees, let's both rush him at once."

This scares Gon even more, seeing how Killua's aura hasn't changed at all. Concern shadows across Gon's face in the dying firelight, and he whispers frantically, "Killua, aren't you being a little aggressive considering the situation we're in?!"

Killua's aura swirls. "I'm fine. I've taken out all his Needlemen – we won't get another chance like this! We have to act now –!"

"No, you aren't fine!" Gon hollers, standing between Killua and the forest. Illumi's figure is disappearing into the darkness.

Killua's fists tighten. "Gon, he's getting away!" He's about to lurch forward with all speed.

Panicking, Gon catches his wrist and holds it tightly. "You can't!"

"Let go of me, Gon!" Killua orders, trying to yank his hand away. Feeling his ironclad fingers, seeing the resolve in Gon's stance, he knows Gon's will is solid. "That bastard is clearly planning something! What if he finds Alluka?! I can't just let him go!"

Killua's claws are out and his heels dig into the red-white sand as he struggles to get past Gon.

Gon pushes him back. "Killua, stop! You sound just like –!"

"Like what?!" Killua hisses at him, getting more agitated by the second with Gon working against him.

"Like me!" he erupts. "You sound like me! Stop this! You can't just –!"

"I don't care – LET ME GO!"

Killua isn't listening, he's trying to shove Gon aside before Illumi is completely lost. Gon gives up diplomacy and does the unthinkable. With a hand on Killua's chest, he pushes Killua back hard enough so that he skids over fifteen feet away, his legs cutting deep gashes into the sand.

Before Gon can register what's happening, in a flash Killua is on top of him, pinning him down with both knees pressed into his shoulders. Killua's eyes are slitted and focused, the fingers of one hand curled around Gon's throat as he raises his clawed others against smoky starlight.

Gon would cry out – except he's so surprised that he can't utter a sound. He can only lay there, gasping for breath as he watches his friend's face. Killua quickly comes back to reality, seeing the shock on his first friend's face.

His mind splits in two.

 _No…_

His fingers retract from Gon's neck.

 _No…!_

 _This is all wrong…!_

He's hurt and confused – he doesn't know where he is or what he's doing. He stumbles back from Gon and clutches his head, his hair clumpy from all the dried blood. His hands are crusty with it. A guttural scream tears his throat as tears leak out from under his palms, and Gon sits up, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. The carnage of the Needlemen stains the ground below them, but his friend's torment is everywhere, circling all around them, whizzing through the air.

 _What can I do…?_ Gon pleas. _What can I do…?! I don't know what to do!_

Killua falls to his knees with a bloody _splat_. His hands are normal as they cling to his head, pulling out his hair. His aura vacillates with remorse, cold and desolate, distant from this world.

Gon stands to approach him, but Killua is instantly on-guard, lashing out at him. "Please – get away from me! You were wrong!" he sobs. "You were all wrong! My family was right –! You were wrong…! I'll only –!"

Gon is already stretching his arms out toward him, and Killua attempts to get away – but his legs won't move how he wants them to. His hands push against Gon's chest, his tears carving trails of white skin in the blood on his cheeks – and though fraught with whimpering, Gon knows it's his friend staring back at him. His blue eyes no longer reflect a starless sky.

Gon watches him in sympathy as he takes his shoulders into his hands, and Killua holds Gon too, crying too intensely to look directly back at him. His arms close firmly around Killua, gently pulling him closer. Killua isn't able to put up much of a fight after that. He sobs into Gon's neck, breathing so rapidly that it sounds as though he might burst. Gon shields him from the heat of the burning airship with his arms across his back, and the slow, watery ocean waves rocking behind them.

He says softly, looking up at the sky, "Killua, I'm really glad to have you as my friend."

Hardly able to speak between gasps, he stutters, "M-me too."

Gon smiles to himself, closing his eyes, glad to finally have Killua crying and shaking in his arms… but how much is he still holding back? How long has he been holding this in?

How long will it take for Killua to tell him all the things he doesn't understand?

* * *

 **I recently realized that I never formally thanked my anonymous reviewers.**

 **Thank you to the anon who reviewed the first chapter of this story. It was certainly an encouraging start to this long journey I've embarked myself upon, and I'm glad you found this to be up to par with my previous stories, haha~ And I hope, if you're still reading, you've enjoyed the continuation! Thank you to Josie, for putting up with all my rants (on Tumblr) and of course for reviewing. I know you may discontinue, but I'm glad you've felt I haven't done anything too radical yet. X'P Thank you to Becca, for your review on chapter 7. Wow, I'm not sure I could read that many words in an hour! Since you asked, college has been… interesting; I've learned a lot, but more so outside the classroom than in. I hope you've enjoyed more of the story if you ever caught up on the recent chapters as well. Thank you to my most recent anon reviewer! I'm so happy you like my writing style and the angsty/light structure of the story, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will continue to enjoy the rest of the story!**

 **And of course thank you to my muse, Miru. I couldn't have made it this far in the story without your insights on Gon. Truly, you've saved me more times than I can count.**

* * *

 **I haven't mentioned it before because I've been so caught up in the business of life that my mind hasn't been all that present for the last year, but I guess this really isn't some run-of-the-mill fanfic? It may not have as much attention compared to other HxH and KilluGon fics, but I feel as though my readers are so passionate about the story along with me that it really helps motivate me to write chapters. So… I just want to say thank you so much for all of your support, patience, and your enthusiasm for these characters and this story. I've put a lot of time into this fic, perhaps more than any before it, though it isn't – yet – nearly as long. I really hope you all like what I have in store!**

 **One more announcement: When I first released chapter 3, I mentioned that I would write a one-shot based on the flashback that Killua had about him and Gon getting caught in the rain. Well, I took that out of the Author's Note assuming it would never happen. But it did! I wrote a fluffy one-shot for KilluGon Day, and it's on my profile titled** _ **Singin' in the Rain**_ **. I hope you'll give it a shot!**

 **Thank you, and I hope you'll leave your thoughts below~**


	12. Chapter 12

**~ Chapter 12 ~**

* * *

Gon doesn't know how long they've been on the seashore, but now Killua is silent in his arms. His head is buried in Gon's chest as he dodges between remaining perfectly still and trembling violently. Gon can't imagine what could be going through his head right now. Anything he tries to supplement from what little he's gathered over the past few months – during their entire friendship – is not nearly enough. He feels he'll never fully grasp the profundity of everything his friend has been through… but he's antsy to try.

Asking Killua to explain himself now would be cruel though…

 _I have to try sometime._

The seashore is chilly. Pine trees of the dark forest are quiet, the waves a calming lull in the background. Spilled atop them is the milky moonset. The fire of the airship wreckage is now but a quarter its original size, no longer providing any warmth, while the bodies of the hundreds of unfortunate souls around them are starting to reek. The dying winds don't help much.

Despite the circumstances, having Killua clinging to him like this… Gon can't help but feel they're closer than ever before. However, he has to get Killua away from here. They have to keep moving.

Very slowly, he starts to stand. "Killua…"

"Wait." Killua lifts his head. His tears are gone. Eyes vacant. Whether "Killua" is in there, Gon almost can't be sure. It's as if his friend has locked himself away: the young, battered, innocent child that cried in Gon's arms, declaring his family had been right. He's returned to the mature, analytical, cool-headed Killua that Gon knows more, the Killua who isn't fazed by anything… Or is he in there at all? Gon knows this façade isn't the truth… Just how many times has he done this before…?

"We need to check the wreckage," says Killua. "We have to know how Illumi found us."

Gon can't argue with that. "…Okay. But let me do it, you should res –"

"I'll know more of what to look for," Killua interrupts, "and I can't rest as long as I know Illumi is following us without knowing how. He doesn't turn up for years and suddenly he calls me, knowing our location, causes our airship to crash, I pass out, and…" Killua stops. His mind has reached a barrier in the string of events that it simply can't cross.

Gon sighs. Again, he doesn't feel he can argue. "Then let's at least wash the blood away first."

As though Killua forgot he was covered in it, his mouth opens in confusion, then closes as he nods. He waits for Gon to lean away from him first, watching him carefully, expression still blank. Gon takes his hand, guiding him toward the ocean. They wade in the cool water bank, which seems to wake Killua up a bit. With cupped hands, they spill water over each other, washing away the crimson blood until it all drifts away in the dark ocean water, unseen…

Afterward, Killua moves toward the wreckage. Seeing Killua's figure stand against the fire… for some reason, the image of Killua's claws out and dripping with blood flashes through Gon's mind. Gon shakes his head, but what comes next is the image of a hand. His hand. Time halted, before him is the disfigured body of what was once Kite's murderer. Blue blood drips down his enlarged fingers, which slowly curl into a fist, but everything else is in black-and-white, silent. Frozen. Distant.

 _Look at what you've done._

Closing his eyes, Gon brings a hand to his head, and trudges out of the water.

"This must have been it," says Killua, as Gon shakes the images out of his head. Coming back to his senses, Gon looks at what Killua's holding up. What a surprise, a needle. It's thick, with a flat head on the end, obviously meant to stick to something unnoticed and establish a long-distance connection. Likely, it had the ability to puncture a hole significant enough to bring down an airship too. "He must have been in the City of Airships hours before us and attached a needle to all of the airships there. That's the only explanation." Gon is about to say something when, upon seeing Gon, a little color returns to Killua's expression. "Gon, are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine," he assures, redirecting the conversation to the problem at hand. "That needle still doesn't explain how Illumi found us so quickly when we were in the City of Airships."

Holding out the needle to study it in the dying firelight, Killua brings his other hand to his chin. _It doesn't explain why I passed out before activating Godspeed either._ He never passed out, not for any reason, especially not during dire situations. Doing so on a mission would have meant death. _Without Gon, it's quite possible I would have perished in the airship crash… I have more than one thing to thank him for._

Gradually, his gaze fixes on the region of bloody sand. Dislodged heads, limbs, torsos –

Killua closes his eyes. The lifeless faces of the Needlemen – tearing through flesh and bone – still imprint in his mind, but become muddled with all those that came before them. He won't be able to forget, as it should be – like the mangled screams of the men at the seaport – but they aren't special among the victims in his lengthy kill list either. His arms lower.

"The men at the seaport…"

The man's jeering face pops into his mind. _"I got a tip from a buddy of mine who said you'd be here. Your family is looking everywhere for you. I'm sure the bounty on your head is enough to set a guy up for three lifetimes."_

He seemed to know that him and Gon were close, having used Gon as a hostage, not questioning the fact that they were friends. Illumi – and the rest of his family perhaps – likely gave out all the information they could, offering anyone who spotted him and Gon a large money reward. Those mercenaries must have gotten cocky in trying to confront them themselves. "I think it's safe to assume they weren't the only mercenaries after us," says Killua. "They probably contacted Illumi right before trying to capture us, and he followed us from there. Or – the people in the diner at the City of Airships – or the man we asked for directions in the seaport town – they could have reported us from anywhere, and calculating our destination, Illumi could have stuck needles on the airships in the city to explode at will… It's impossible to know who exactly tipped him off."

The thought of Illumi finding them anywhere causes his heart to pound anxiously, and he remembers what else the man said. _"Don't you know your friend here is the most promising assassin in the Zoldyck Family? With how many he's killed, why, I'm only a drop in the bucket!"_ He's too numb right now for it to cause more than a slight pounding in his head.

 _None of that explains why I passed out, though…_ He pushes his mind back to right before the crash… the white glow of the pantry, where he told Gon about Illumi's needle… their clasped hands beside the dark ocean and bright stars, Gon's declaration that they should stay together…

He doesn't allow himself to be sad about it quite yet. _Since that's probably an impossibility now…_

Right before he passed out, he thought he remembered a ringing noise, but –

"Killua, we should go."

"Yeah…" Focusing, Killua gathers Ren in one palm, smoldering the tracking needle into a metallic red mush. He's surprised he still has any Nen left after using Godspeed.

Killua tosses the needle aside. "Let's go."

With the sun rising against the beach, they take off at a run – but neither knows if they're running toward or away from danger.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 _Look at what you've done._

The orange light was blinding. He turned back toward the edge of the forest clearing to see his best friend, Killua.

He was screaming.

 _All in the name of a "friend."_

Gon opens his lidded, amber eyes.

It's been a few days since the crash. Finding civilization again had taken that long, so not much has occurred due to exhaustion, mostly.

His bright eyes slide over to the door of the bathroom a few feet away, where the shower is on. Gon stays in bed until Killua emerges with a towel on his head, looking shinier and more awake than either of them has in days. They'd collapsed in a hotel early yesterday morning, but slept through the entire day and night, it seems.

"All yours," says Killua, gesturing behind him.

The pale ex-assassin appears more lucid than he has in a week, though Gon can hardly recall all that's happened at this current time other than their scrounging for food and water in the darklands. He clutches his head as he rolls out of bed with a groan, overtaken by a massive headache.

"Hey, are you okay?" Killua asks.

 _That's the second time he's asked that,_ Gon thinks, waving him off. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he says, not looking at Killua as he shuts the bathroom door behind him.

Addled, Killua looks toward the bed. The sheets are all twisted and shoved to the bottom. He can't remember much from the last few days either… All he knows is Gon hasn't left his side.

Gon leans against the bathroom door for a moment before looking in the mirror. Though he just slept for twenty-four hours, he appears as though he's been in a coma. His hair stands up in messy curled tips, there are dark circles under his eyes, and he feels sluggish as he slouches over the sink, feeling around for a toothbrush.

Oh, right, they haven't had the chance to buy one yet. They haven't eaten much in days either, so there's no reason to brush his teeth anyway – except to bleach out his dry, morning breath.

In the shower, with lukewarm water running over his crusty eyes, he starts to wake up. This only intensifies his headache, though: a low, painful thrum in the front of his skull.

He doesn't know what it could be caused by other than fatigue –

 _You cast him aside. You don't deserve him._

Gon's fingernails scrape at the tiles on the wall under the showerhead. His body tenses at the dark scene in his mind, the one where he's on the cold floor of a basement that looks like a mausoleum, and that _thing_ heals itself with its repulsive Nen ability. His mentor and friend is on the ground, draped in shadows, too far away to be reachable, too fake to move.

" _I don't care if this is the end."_

Gon slides to his knees, his body shuddering as he remembers what it felt like to be imbued with so much Nen that he felt as though his body would explode, stretched by power he didn't have.

At the time it didn't matter.

Nothing did. The pain was worth every second he could use against Pitou's Nen. He had to. If he didn't, how could he face anyone? How could he call himself worthy of being anyone's friend?

 _You caused him to suffer because of your recklessness._

The gruff voice that scraped his throat as it spelled out his attack. Those wide, bright, piercing blue eyes watching in horror…

 _Because of your arrogance and selfishness, you made him suffer._

The sound of his friend's terror and desperation, which he could barely make out above his own uncontrollable power…

 _You don't deserve to be Killua's friend._

Gon tries to fight back. _No, I have to ask Killua about his family –_

 _How can you say that when you never cared before? You don't have the right._

 _No, I have to –_

 _You don't deserve him._

 _No…!_

When he gets out of the shower, he finds Killua laying on the bed with his legs crossed in the air, looking at a magazine. He turns to smile at Gon, but realizes something is wrong and sits up at once seeing his pale, exhausted face.

"Gon? Are you all right? What's the matter?"

 _You're worrying him more by acting like this. What a terrible person you are._

Gon slumps down on the bed, both his feet planted on the floor as he leans forward to avoid Killua's concerned stare. "Killua, I feel… really tired." He cringes and brings a hand to his head, the statement seeming to spike up the pain of his headache tenfold. He gasps, "It hurts!"

Killua hesitates a moment before resting his hand on Gon's shoulder. Gon doesn't retract from him or show any change in expression, so he assumes it must be okay. He lets more of his weight fall on Gon's shoulder. "What is it?"

Gon speaks through gritted teeth. "It's just this headache I've had –" Somehow, it becomes even more painful, so he turns his focus onto something else – and it dulls slightly. "Wait, Killua, I wanted to ask you something!" Gon turns toward him, breath shortening by how close Killua is and how concerned he looks. It's the most expression he's seen on Killua's face in days, and –

 _He's so close!_ The thought is meaningless when backdropped against his memories.

 _You don't deserve him._

Fear seeps into Gon's expression, and he suddenly feels the urge to push Killua away – but he doesn't understand; he's never wanted to distance himself from Killua before, not for any reason. The headache becomes more intense, and he clasps his skull, leaning forward again.

 _Something about his behavior…_ "Gon, tell me exactly what you're feeling right now."

 _Don't burden him with problems caused by your own selfishness,_ says his inner self. _That would be the most selfish thing of all._

"I'm sure it'll go away soon," Gon says hurriedly, standing abruptly from the bed and away from Killua's arms. Strangely, the sense of loss he feels from losing Killua's touch is put into question.

 _This is the right thing to do,_ says the voice.

He walks over to the window, which is also a sliding-glass door leading onto a balcony, and tries to pry it open with shaky hands. "I-I think I just need some fresh air."

 _He's acting totally weird,_ Killua thinks, _and not the charming Gon-like weird._ Killua wonders if it's because he finally remembered the white beach, everything soaked in blood and dead bodies – or pieces of them – and now he wants to get away from him… but something seems off about that hypothesis. _He said he had to ask me something…_

Finally, Gon gets the door open, but Killua's hand is on the handle. Gon flinches and draws back. He's in too much pain to have heard Killua stand from the bed.

Killua's face is earnest as he watches Gon's every move, though he's blocking the door to the outside balcony. "Are you afraid of me?"

Gon feels his entire body heat up from being asked such a ridiculous and – what he feels should be – painfully obvious question. "Wh-what? N-no, of course not."

 _You're worrying him more. You should get away from him before you make it worse._

"Gon, you're a terrible liar," says Killua. He doesn't take another step closer, but Gon can't bear to look into his face, and looks away. "Just tell me what it is already."

 _Now he thinks I hate him…_

 _You should let him go._

 _No, I can't let this go any farther –_

 _That doesn't matter. You're being selfish. Focusing so much on yourself after everything you've seen over the past few days? You should let him leave you already._

Gon takes a breath, preparing for his headache to worsen considerably from what he's about to say. "I-I just have a terrible headache is all." He's going to say he needs some time alone but instead gasps from the pain, falling to his knees. It feels as though something shattered directly in his eardrums. He feels dizzy and disoriented, and Killua calls his name as he stares up at him, cheek pressed into the carpet. His senses are too blurry to comprehend anything.

Gon doesn't know how long he's out. When he wakes up, he's in the hotel bed again. This time the sun is setting somewhere in the distance, behind the other short buildings and shops outside the hotel's balcony window. There's a single, warm light on by the bed. Killua isn't there.

Gon looks around. His headache is gone, but there's still a pain in his forehead. Lifting a hand, he feels something like soft cloth. He looks to the side again, this time noticing the tray on the bedside table. Propping himself up on his elbows, he finds brown droplets of dried blood stuck to the inside, and…

The hotel room door opens, and he hears voices.

"Thanks, here's the tip."

It's Killua speaking, and Killua who appears, rolling a cart covered in silver food platters in front of him. Seeing Gon sitting up groggily, Killua rolls the cart to the side, practically leaping over it in order to get to him.

"Gon! How are you feeling?"

"Ah, Killua… not sure…" He can't help but eye the tray to his side, wanting to ask but not knowing if now is the right time. Killua understands. He has no intention of hiding it from Gon.

"Do you know what that is?" Killua asks.

Gon nods slowly. "Yeah, I think so…"

Killua takes the tray in one hand, and with two fingers lifts the small, golden, double-hooked needle inside. "Illumi must have implanted it sometime after the crash before –" His voice falters, knowing what had come next. "Before I woke up… I took it out of you after you passed out."

Gon sits up to better look at Killua's face, leaning against the bed's backboard.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop him," Killua apologizes, "and for… murdering all those peop –"

"Killua, thank you for saving me."

Gon's gratitude breaks Killua's train of thought. "E-eh?"

"Thanks for stopping Illumi," says Gon. "And the Needlemen. We wouldn't have gotten out of there if it hadn't been for you."

Killua gives him a face, eyebrows furrowed. _Unbelievable._ He wants to argue, but if Gon is feeling better, then that's enough. "I thought I told you during the New Year – we don't have to thank each other anymore. W-we…" He's almost too afraid to say it, taking into account all that's happened over the last week… but if he doesn't ask now, he won't be able to later. "We're friends, aren't we?"

"That's right," Gon reaffirms with a nod.

His lack of uncertainty is astounding. Killua can only squeak "Good…" in response as Gon rubs his temple.

"Ah, sorry about that," mutters Killua, bashful. "Medical treatment isn't one of my areas of expertise, since treating my own wounds usually wasn't a priority…" He realizes he let something weird slip and awkwardly sets the tray back on the bedside table as Gon's expression softens.

"Do you want something to eat?" Killua is busying himself by looking through the platters of food on the cart he rolled in.

"Sure," says Gon.

They eat everything – down to the last crumb. Gon can't help but glance at Killua every few seconds, seeing how focused he is on his food, sitting on the end of the bed, completely perceptive to Gon while also appearing as though he's avoiding him in some way.

"Killua…"

"Mhm?" Killua is about to bite into the slice of cream pie included with the meal.

Gon sets his empty plate aside. Before he can speak, Killua asks, "Do you want some?" He holds it out.

… _Killua offering to share his sweets is weird._ He feels bad for thinking it, but it's especially weird he offered it to Gon, full-well knowing he usually shies away from eating a lot of sugar. "…Sure."

Killua hands him a fork and they finish it off.

Arranging all their dirty dishes on the cart, Killua rolls it back outside.

 _He's acting so differently…_

The covers are drawn back from Gon's legs now and he's sitting up more easily. He can't help how his eyes flicker back to the golden needle in the tray.

Killua reappears from the hotel hallway and gets into bed beside him. "Do you wanna turn off the light?"

"Oh, uh, sure." Gon reaches over and clicks it off.

"Night."

"Night…"

In the darkness, neither of them moves.

"Killua," Gon whispers after a moment. "Killua," he says loudly immediately after, in case he didn't hear.

"What?"

Gon sits up and turns the light back on. "I want to know about your family."

Killua's stark expression fades, his shock condensing in his flickering Nen.

 _Even if I don't deserve you,_ Gon thinks, pushing back the dark past that he wants to forget, _I'll do everything I can to save you from yourself._

* * *

 **Thank you for your patience! I've been soooo busy with school since second semester started. I'm taking another class and I really like it! But it has so much homework. x.x**

 **Anyway, I know this chapter is short, but it's meant to be the calm after the storm. It's like the bridge, or shift… The story will definitely take a different direction from here, and as always, in my edit I hope to make that transition smoother. [Edit (5/17/2018): I did.]**

 **Please review – I always love hearing thoughts on my stories, good or bad!**


	13. Chapter 13

**~ Chapter 13 ~**

* * *

Killua wonders how Gon could suddenly evince something of that magnitude without warning, like he's never done before. _"I want to know about your family."_

Lifting himself slowly and watching Gon's face in the dim yellow bedside light, his friend hardly moves. His face bores into him intently with that curious – but also cautious and humble – tan and amber shine. Something that scared and dazzled him since the moment they first met…

In a hotel hundreds of feet above the wide city street, faintly Killua can hear the sounds of honking horns and authority sirens in the grand metropolis below. It was the only civilization within a hundred miles of the airship crash after the encounter with Illumi and, in a way, more terrifying to Killua than anything they had come across the last few months despite traveling selcouth to humanity.

Gon's dark hands are outlined by the white linen between them. On the beige blanket above that, Killua's pale fingers twitch slightly. Lips barely moving, he asks, "Why would I tell you that?"

It was the question Gon had been afraid to have answered for so long, knowing Killua would reject him and leave him feeling even more unworthy of the information than he already did. For that reason, he's avoided the subject for all this time… and because of what Killua recently told him. _"I just don't see the point… in bringing up the past…" Killua closed his eyes, and what he said next caused his voice to tremor. "I don't like thinking about it."_

The manipulating voice, the putrescent aura, all the death and blood that surrounded them on that beach, routing him with so much fear that he thought he would burst as he watched Killua fragment himself into the killer he always said he was, which vanished in pity as Gon understood from the empty look in Killua's eyes that Killua wasn't entirely aware of his own actions. _"You'll never understand our world,"_ Illumi's voice echoes in his mind. _He didn't need to implant a needle to tell me that,_ Gon thinks. He already knows knowledge of Killua's world will never be enough to fully understand him.

 _Even so, I want to try…_

"You were about to say something before the airship crashed," Gon gives as his reason for asking.

"Jeez, you remember that?" murmurs Killua.

"Yeah. So what was it?"

Killua is motionless, looking down at the white mattress sheet between Gon's fingers. "I'll only answer that… if you tell me what the needle inside your head said to you."

A line runs down Gon's spine. It's enough to distract him from the thing writhing dead inside him, though his curiosity is replaced by self-hatred. The guilt and hopelessness of that night – _No, don't get distracted._ "Wh-what do you mean?" Gon says feebly, cocking an eyebrow. "It just hurt a lot, that's all –"

Killua's hand falls onto Gon's shoulder. This surprises Gon so much that he stops talking, though Killua says nothing either. Silver-blue eyes pore into him, making Gon shudder from the intensity. So much time passes this way, until Gon realizes Killua is focusing on a spot beyond him.

He's never been good with words, especially not when it comes to Gon…

He feels helpless, as he did on the very night Gon endeavors to keep from his mind... as he's felt on every day since: frustrated at himself from the moment he parted with Gon at the World Tree, being unable to say what was truly on his mind. Killua knows his simple _"Thank you for everything"_ before they parted was everything he ever wanted to say but also not it at all –!

No, there was no way he would ever be able to say it all.

He's already said and felt more than he ever imagined. He had wished they could continue traveling together even in the face of the Chimera Ants, even afterward, but unable to understand how Gon was driven to the decision to abandon all hope when he was _right there_ with him, when _they'd promised_ to stick together… he felt he had to leave. If not for his own good, for Gon's. Later, he realized it was due to his own terrible skills in communication that Gon became so set on that path – and even more due to his escapism. At first, Killua believed Illumi's needle only made it his reaction to abscond himself the moment something went wrong to save himself from physical pain or death, but now he knows it's the same when concerning emotions. Convinced Gon could not and was not meant to be swayed in his revenge, Killua chose to escape from the painful situation in which he was rejected to save himself from more pain rather than to further pursue changing Gon's mind. He had that little faith in himself, in his ability to help Gon, and because of it, Gon suffered the consequence.

Killua closes his eyes, shutting out the scene of a man standing above the puttied mess of blue blood that continually comes back to his mind, renewing his guilt. His slender fingers tighten on Gon's shoulder. The lines on his face increase and deepen, and what comes next are…

 _Tears?_

Killua inhales deeply, bowing his head low. The motion brings Gon ever closer, his arm weighing down on Gon's shoulder and pulling him forward. "You're always so selfish," Killua whimpers, "trying to do things on your own… Gon, please…" His voice breaks. He can't go on. His head and other hand lifts, without his meaning to, cupping Gon's teary face. Now Gon is trembling too, if confused why.

Until he understands.

He knows what Palm wanted Killua to tell him in the palace. The full force of what Killua made him promise that moonlit night when they first held hands hits him. He knows what Killua wanted to say in the airship…

Gon reaches for him in return, his sobs getting caught in his throat. "Killua –"

The ex-assassin retorts acerbically, "Don't you get it, you idiot…?! I only want to help you! Because you're –!" His voice breaks again. He presses on before he can think twice, shaking Gon gently by the shoulders. "You're my precious friend! I want to keep being with you, traveling together, seeing things – I will do anything I can to help you! But if you don't want my help, then I…!" He heaves in, voice shrill. "I can't do anything!"

Gon tears up in guilt and frustration at how hard his friend is crying now, hunched over before him. _How long has it been…?_ he wonders. _How long has he wanted to say this…?_ Gon had built a wall so tall between his hatred and the rest of the world that it was unthinkable to be on both sides at the same time, to hate Pitou and understand Killua simultaneously as he tried to dissuade Gon from the path of revenge. It no longer mattered now, that division in his head; except Gon hadn't realized until now that he has to choose between helping Killua and keeping this suffering to himself as he always has.

Spending the last half-year with him… suppressing this longing feeling… it made him realize he couldn't choose.

When it had been nearly two and a half years since they'd seen each other, naturally their bodies had grown and feelings developed that hadn't been there before. With these changes arose new perspectives on all the time that had passed between them. The change most notable to Gon was the desire.

Perennially, his mind was occupied by longing to see his friend again, as if it was an urgent _need_. No matter where he was on Whale Island – or whether he was traveling with Ging and the others – he caught himself wondering what his best friend was doing, what he was feeling, what words he would say to him the next time they met… if they ever met again. Their reunion was something that immured him in thought constantly as the more introspective part of him took hold with the passing years. Eventually Gon would become so panicked that he rushed to his phone, ridden with notifications from Hunters, explorers, and politicians alike that he'd met on his travels all over the world, those who wanted to ask how he was doing or who wanted his endorsement and, scrolling frantically, he'd search for Killua's name in the ocean of others. His fame had only increased as news of the war and Leorio's heartfelt speech during the 13th Chairman Election of the Hunter Association spread around the world, along with the Chimera Ants who had escaped NGL. It wasn't comfortable for him, all this attention. He appreciated the goodwill of most of them, but…

Only one held his attention unlike any other.

It was a new feeling for him, and the more time passed, the more he longed to see his best friend again: those piercing silver-blue eyes, wild snowy hair, that sly, so-Killua-like smirk, his smooth movements, curated by years of rebelliousness and training…

He had no idea if Killua would look the same after all this time, or act the same. Of course the opposite was also true… What does Killua think of him now? Is he different in a good or a bad way?

At first, Gon tried to ignore it, his longing for his best friend. _It must be my selfishness again, wanting Killua all to myself,_ he assured himself, _for wanting him to leave Alluka and spend his time with me…_ The thought of having Killua to himself made him quiver in a way that surprised him. He didn't know what it meant, though he'd already felt a fraction of jealousy before parting at the World Tree, seeing how relaxed Killua was with the sister he had never before mentioned to Gon. He never put much on this feeling though, waving it aside as selfishness. It was something he could mention to no one.

 _Killua all to myself… all to myself…_ his inner voice cooed like a mantra. The more he tried to ignore it, the more it intrigued him. The more it intrigued him, the more he wondered… and the more he wondered, the more he desired.

Killua's every laugh, every smile, every expression, each _breath_ –

 _This isn't good at all._

By the time they met, he had forced this desire so far into the recesses of his mind that that inner voice was a mere whisper in the background of their normal conversation – but the feelings definitely were not forgotten. The more time he spent with Killua, the more he realized just how deeply his desire controlled him in everything he did: How it sent daggers of the past through his mind and heart whenever Killua ran off and hid somewhere – _Stupid, stupid, stupid! You made him uncomfortable again!_ – how it molded happy moments from the past into something new, sharp, and dangerous in a way – _Oh, that was the moment I realized… I didn't know how much I missed that about him…_ – how _painfully_ his desire throbbed in his chest and stomach like an untamed beast whenever his friend got near –!

He always kept himself in line, never once overstepping the boundary, unless Killua permitted him to – which, in most cases, he didn't – at least not in a way Gon could understand. How Gon wanted to reach out and touch this feeling without hesitation or fear… if only he could work up the confidence to do so. Would Killua have to supply it, his confidence?

…Until he figured it out, he would follow Killua's lead in hopes to remain by his side. He never would have guessed that Killua was doing the same, so they remained at an impasse.

"No," he mutters, taking Killua by the arms, who looks up, startled by the touch. "No!" he says again. "Killua, I… I want your help…! I –!" He takes a deep breath in, but the motion causes his body to shudder and he breaks down into hiccupping sobs, unable to speak his mind, too much going on inside his head.

"Sometimes I wonder if you know how much I need you…" Killua says quietly, "how much you mean to me… And I'm sorry I'm not better at saying it… I'm sorry we separated, and that I left you alone for two years, and that I didn't stop you from hurting yourself back then…! It's all my fault…! But, even so, I can't stay this way, Gon… I…"

"I'm sorry…!" Every time Gon looks at Killua's face, full of tears, he can't help but apologize again. "It isn't your fault, I haven't done anything to help you either – I've just ignored you all this time, a-and I let it get to this point…" There's a moment of clarity, since it seems they're finally both awake.

As Killua wipes some of the tears from his eyelids, Gon breathes in heavily. "Wait, you… didn't answer my question."

Killua sniffs, lifting himself again. "Which question?"

"Th-the one… about your family."

"Ah…" Killua looks briefly at the ceiling. "I already told you it doesn't really matter. And…" He hesitates, "that I don't like thinking about it."

"But you already do think about it a lot…" says Gon, "…don't you?"

 _How could you know that?_ He knows his behavior is telling enough. No matter how far away from the other Zoldycks he is, he can never seem to escape their hold… The smallest trigger sends him back into that mindset, where he's trapped in his house with no escape. Where his family are the only figures in his life with authority, as butlers were reduced to obedient servants devoid of human emotion, and outsiders were shunned and killed on sight. The only times he's allowed freedom to go out are when he's to carry out his purpose: To kill whomever his parents and Illumi deem worthy. The only choice he had was whether he wanted to take an excursion on a mission and kill for pleasure, or to loiter around and buy videogames or candy. Either way, he'd be punished for it. Either way, they were already punishing him for it.

It was worth a little more if he could blow off some steam on a stranger whose life was meaningless anyway, or eat something sweet without the trademark Zoldyck concoction in it…

Now, he hardly even remembers the details of any of it all. He remembers the feelings of pain, discomfort, anxiety, and powerlessness, and with that come the images associated. And then, if he tries really hard, the full memories come flooding in – or sometimes he'll remember everything in one go, unannounced – but he'll stop at the first stage preferably, if he can help it.

Talking about it… his family and all his experiences there… all the things they had done to him and made him do, bringing up fragments of his past that he'd waved off as normal and meaningless, things he'd have easily forgotten if not for running away from home and meeting Gon, becoming a Hunter… would that help or hurt him?

Gon prods, "And with Illumi finding us… and what happened…"

"You still haven't answered my question either," Killua points out tiredly, his mind spinning too fast. "About your needle."

Gon throws his head up, leaning backward momentarily. "Aaaahg, c'mon! I asked you first and I've been waiting years to hear your answer! I didn't ask for so long because I wasn't sure you'd answer and I was too afraid of being rejected! Can't you just –!" He stops there, aware of how much he said already.

"You can't say 'tell me about your family' and expect me to have a quick answer! There's too much and I already don't know where to start! And I don't want to remember any of it anyway! Why do you need to know so badly?!" Killua is still debating how useful such a conversation would be.

"Because you're my friend and you mean a lot to me," Gon says, "and I don't want you to keep feeling like you have to kill people."

His answer is so straightforward that Killua can't bring himself to retort.

"I know I'm asking a lot from you…" he goes on, "and I don't want to hurt you further by making you remember things you'd rather forget… but keeping it to yourself…" _You keep hurting people, most of all yourself…_ "That's why you asked me about my needle, right? So, if you can…"

Killua sighs. They're sitting a lot closer than before, half-facing each other on the bed, only a few inches apart. Softly, Killua says, "Well, you already asked me about killing and you saw how that turned out."

"Yeah…" _He started crying uncontrollably and then changed the subject_ … "You never really finished."

Mute, Killua nods.

"So… did you like killing…?"

"Yeah. I did." His tone is flat, as though they were talking about the weather of some other country.

"And now? Do you still like it…?"

Killua takes another deep breath. _You're really going to ask me that after a few days ago?_ The lolling eyes of the petrified Needlemen recall in his mind as their innards splatter crimson across the bleach-white sand. The smell, the darkness in his vision… "Now it's more complicated," he admits. "It's not so much that I like it or hate it. It was just a job that I did for so many years."

"Then why that reaction a few days ago when I asked before, and after you killed those men at the seaport or the Needlemen…" Killua's strident sobs and the hollowness in his silver eyes rake his mind.

Killua knows he can't hide it forever. There's some weary feeling inside of him; the more he speaks, it's as though there's a rope slowly unfurling inside of him that's been holding him captive for years. He feels lighter, freer, but with it, also a vacant emptiness. He isn't sure whether it's a good feeling or not. "…Because I didn't always kill without feeling. Sometimes, I liked it. Not because I completed my mission and would get money – I had so much money that I couldn't spend it all. Sometimes, I went looking for someone to kill." He falls silent for a moment.

"…Is that why you said you were like Hisoka?"

Killua turns to him with wide eyes. "Jeez, you remember that?! That was so long ago…"

Gon is too caught in revelations to react to Killua's wonder. They fall silent.

Then, Gon continues in a small voice, "…But you said you're different now?"

Killua lifts his gaze from the sheets. He's been holding his feet for the last while. "Yeah. I don't do that anymore, but…"

"But…?"

"Mmm. I don't kill for pleasure anymore, but sometimes, I still feel the usual sense of… satisfaction at having performed a perfect kill. When I remember that isn't normal… I realize what I've done."

"…Oh… so killing for pleasure is a kind of natural response…? But you didn't feel that way before? Bad after killing someone, I mean?"

"Yeah. It literally felt like nothing when I was on a mission and I would wonder why, as if I knew I was supposed to feel something. But I just didn't. Or I felt satisfaction."

Gon's head drifts to the side as he processes it all. Killua can't help but admire the way he tries to align the pieces Killua's given him to be coherent without any hint of judgement on his face. He's pensive, lost in his own glorious mind. Killua hopes to one day understand everything he's thinking, and how. Getting this far was thanks to Gon and the world of Hunters opening his mind to the possibilities life had ahead of him rather than remaining trapped in the Zoldyck Estate of false perception. Telling Gon this much took two needles and a whole lot of badgering… _I still have so far to go. I can still improve._ The thought fills him with relief. "So what about you?" Killua says after a moment, distracting himself from the feeling welling inside of him. It's too much to understand now.

"What about me?" Gon repeats, his voice enigmatic as his mind drifts back to Killua.

"What did your needle make you think about?"

After a moment of stillness, Gon does something Killua's never seen before. He looks at his hands, and picks at the white sheet between them, his shoulders raised in anxiety. His words are barely sensible. "When… I… was… y'know…"

Killua knows, but he wants to make Gon say it – though Gon let Killua have the easy way out so many times before. "What?"

"Y-you know…" He flashes Killua a sympathetic plea with his eyes.

"I said I don't. Tell me."

Gon takes an audible breath in. "When I… faced Pitou." Saying the name aloud again arrests his breathing more than he anticipated, and a rush of panic flushes his cheeks. It had been so long since he uttered a word of what happened during the war that he had nearly succeeded in convincing himself it never happened.

Taking into consideration Gon's hunkered appearance, there's obviously more to what he's saying. Killua lowers his voice. "What about it?"

"W-well…" Now Gon is looking everywhere in the room except at Killua. The walls, the ceiling, Killua's goofy T-shirt – which Killua bought at the hotel's gift shop as Gon rested, needle-free. (He'd bought Gon a shirt with _USS_ on it in a fancy font, and disposed of their brown, blood-stained others from the beach in the garbage chute that led to the hotel's landfill. Now they had two sets of clothes, no bag, no cellphones, and no supplies.) Gon scrutinized the logo of a star shooting over the outline of a cabin in the woods in red, and the words _Live Free Anywhere, In the Land of Justice―United States of Sahelta_ in white on a dark navy blue background. Gon had the white background version of something similar. "I-I guess…" He starts speaking without really thinking, half-occupied by the knowledge of how little they have to help them – or worry about – now. "I thought about it because of… how it ended. How isolated I felt. That it wasn't just there, in East Gorteau or NGL… but everywhere… At home, on Whale Island…"

Killua sits up straighter, taken aback. He wasn't expecting Gon to link the memory of his Nen covenant to his home.

"I guess I always thought I was expendable…" says Gon. "I mean, that's why I thought Ging left me. Why no one I liked that I met on the ships that docked at Whale Island ever stayed… I didn't think… I mattered to any of them. That I was just annoying." He smiles covertly, but it reaches his eyes, Killua sees, as Gon glances over at him. "But then I met Leorio and Kurapika. And I met you."

His honesty is as always astounding. It baffles Killua in a way. Getting him to talk about how it felt to kill – or anything to do with his past for that matter – is like pulling teeth. Once he got Gon going, it was as though he wasn't entirely aware of his thoughts until that very moment wherein he was asked, and then he'd supply that knowledge to every moment that it was relevant in the past. _Still, it isn't like these feelings came out of nowhere._ "Why didn't you say something sooner?" Killua asks him.

Gon tilts his head to the side. "I don't know… I thought it didn't matter…? I didn't see the point in bringing it up…"

 _That isn't too different from something I would say…_

"It matters," Killua blurts.

Gon looks at him questioningly, but Killua only leans forward to put an arm around his shoulders. At first, this causes Gon some alarm – normally when Killua does this, it means he's going to give him nuggies on the head or something. This time, Killua's arm, though a little forceful, is at the same time coaxingly soft. "It matters," he says again as he hugs Gon close to him – he's holding back tears.

Like before on the terrace high above the New Year's festival, below the fireworks, Gon finds his heart pounding as a droll and desperate thrum in his ears. A hand finds Killua's waist, the other, his lower back, and Gon takes in every inch of contact of with Killua's warm skin, the pain beneath the bandage on his head nearly gone.

When they part, he finds Killua's star-struck face only inches from his. He wants to lean in closer, but he can't. Something is stopping him. _Why do I want to lean in closer?_

He searches for an answer but he can't figure it out. _Killua is my friend. I shouldn't want to –_

That doesn't change the fact that he does, he does want it. He wants to but at the same time he doesn't want to, doesn't feel it would be right. Another part of him can't help but ask, _Why not?_ He feels more comfortable with Killua than anyone in the world. Right now, he wants to know how to get to the point where Killua will open himself entirely to him.

Suddenly he's blushing and can't take it anymore. Gon quickly moves away from Killua.

He'd felt it before, sleeping side-by-side, walking side-by-side… holding hands, but…

 _What will it take?_ he wonders as Killua smiles meekly at him, and with a "good night" turns over to go back to sleep. Gon turns the light off. _What will it take for my curiosity to be satiated?_

 _First I need to get him to talk about his family… That's the most important thing… There's still so much I don't understand… I wasn't expecting him to say he enjoyed killing…_

After Gon lays down, they stay awake, talking low about happy times in the past, no longer confined by pain. However, while they talk, there's a new question begging for attention in the back of Gon's mind.

 _How long until I can act on this feeling I have inside me…? Would Killua like it? Does he feel the same way?_

* * *

 **The moment Killua says he's like Hisoka is only in the manga and the 1999 anime, in case anyone is confused where I pulled that from. Killua says it as him and Gon are running through the Numere Wetlands in the First Phase of the Hunter Exam, and he senses that the men behind them are scheming to attack Hisoka (I think), but I also think Killua kinda mumbled it so Gon was like "wtf?" (I don't have the volume in front of me now, as I left all my manga at home when I moved out to go to college, rip. And I also have very limited WiFi/data access at the moment. I am posting this from my friend's phone.) Speaking of which, I'm currently in Spain but I've found some down time in order to write this chapter. I would encourage you to check out my Instagram, nayruelric, if you're interested in seeing a bit of my travels!**

 **I want to say thank you to my anonymous reviewers. Thank you my Guests, I'm glad you've enjoyed the story and hope you will continue to do so! And jess, I appreciate your compliments so much and I'm delighted to hear that you like my more realistic take on Killua's and Gon's issues. Though I have to say I'm really confused how you got that I was showing Gon go through grief from Kite's death which affects how he approaches Killua in only the first 7 chapters? I'm glad you think so, but I can't find/recall much to suggest such since I don't believe I developed Gon that much in the story until recently…? If it turns out I developed more than I thought, though, then of course all the better. I hope them being more open in this chapter was what we've both been looking for, because I agree completely~! The two of them are great! ^^**

 **I've really enjoyed writing the "slow-burn romance" aspects of this story up until this point, but I'm also really happy that I can finally start moving the story in a direction where the slow-burn is of a different sort. I hope you, my readers, will continue to enjoy the story as it evolves as well!**

 **I hope you'll leave your thoughts, as they are always appreciated!**


	14. Chapter 14

**~ Chapter 14 ~**

* * *

They're at the gym the next afternoon. It's been four days since Illumi's attack, and they stayed awake talking in their hotel room so long the night before that they didn't get up until noon. The bandage Killua applied to Gon's forehead after removing the needle is already gone. While Gon's needle hadn't been embedded nearly as deeply nor for as long an amount of time as Killua's needle had, Gon still finds himself masking the slight twinge of pain he feels at the front of his skull from the ever-present image of the pulped and blue-bloodied Pitou, his mentor's scarred, strung-up silhouette, his own dark, muscular figure, swollen with corrosive Nen…

After making a very concentrated expression, Gon looks up from the hand weight he's lifting. They don't normally talk while at the gym, but whenever they do it's something interesting.

"Killua, leave the seventh of July open, okay?"

Killua blinks away from the dumbells he's holding. "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?" Gon shoots back with a half-chuckle. "Because that's when your birthday is, silly."

Killua stands still as he waits for more of an explanation. "So? We never made it a big deal before now."

"It's your first birthday after we reunited," Gon reasons, "and after everything that's happened, and how different things are now…" In reality, he just wants to use this as an excuse to thank Killua.

 _Oh no._

As Gon continues his weight-lifting routine with an absentminded, singsongy glow about him, Killua's insides churn in eustress. He wants to demand for further explanation, but something tells him it's better not to ask – and that Gon won't tell. It's most likely entirely intentional, Killua's excitement and dread on Gon's part.

 _Bastard._

Killua had felt this kind of anxiety before, one that makes him eager and afraid. He's constantly wondered _What's Gon going to do next?_ from the moment they met during the Hunter Exam until now. It's a part of Gon he loves more with each passing day, his unpredictability and spontaneity, his ability not to be weighed down by the future, living entirely in the present, but… when Killua tried to do the same it usually ended badly.

Gon's eighteenth birthday was such an example, as it is something Killua tried to erase from his mind the moment he woke up the next day.

So many times when they were in the airship – or laying side-by-side in the grass – or walking together in the abandoned district of Jappon… there was something he was missing.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua hadn't expected flashbacks to afflict him with Gon so near. Sure, he'd awoken in a cold sweat more than a few times when it was him and Alluka, but that was different. Those nightmares were about the war, about rejection, about guilt and fear – fear that the person Killua had so much to thank for, whom he cherished with every particle of his being, who taught him how to live, whom, he thought, was the literal light of the sun, was actually… never meant to be.

Dead or simply untrue, Gon proved Killua's perfect image of him to be faulty – and Killua only had himself to blame for believing in something so unrealistic and childish. He felt he had been asking for it after all that occurred. Grief of that magnitude at the mere prospect of losing someone so important to him, and whether that loss was literal or figurative, hardly mattered. Something in him died that day.

He knows why he did it. Gon was the only person he had, but more than that, Gon was the only person he loved… and the only person he felt loved him. Gon not only made him feel wanted – their minds were usually so in-synch that Killua felt they were soulmates in every sense of the word. Whatever definition or opinion he had had for that word before meeting Gon was entirely irrelevant afterward. Gon made him forget the pain of his past. He helped him be a kid again, learn how to have fun again… Something he could never repay Gon for enough. But… Killua seemed to have gotten too attached to that innocent, perfect image of his best friend, the one where they're unstoppable, where Gon always brings him back to the present no matter what is going on in his head, where they have loads of rambunctious fun and they'll always remain friends.

He could only blame himself for that, in the end.

 _And so much more…_

Having always felt this darkness and hidden it, Gon unleashed its full force in a moment. He'd given up all hope and decided to face his fate alone. Killua couldn't forgive Gon for almost leaving him alone… and he couldn't forgive himself for letting it get to that point.

He wishes Gon would have spoken to him about it before, that he could have asked, but it was a mutual lack of communication that led to it. He couldn't only blame his friend – or himself – for all that happened. It'd taken years for him to get to that point of reconciliation.

So, Killua had expected his guilt to transform into a different sort once he and Gon reunited: A faltering look between them, words left unsaid from back then, and the doubt they could ever be as they once were due to all that happened. Though he hadn't expected this…

Rather than the tangible pain of the Chimera Ant War… now, he dreamt of darkness. It was a vague but intense pain, one he'd always carried around with him yet only suddenly came to light. It was so unbearable that it made him question how real this pain could be if he'd never felt anything like it before – how his family treated him had been going on his entire life. It's just how life was; he never questioned it before; he didn't know other possibilities existed. At first he attributed it to some kind of weakness such as "going soft," having been taught to be more carefree by Gon and Alluka the last few years, but he knew in his heart that wasn't the case.

The thought began to scare him. How much did he lack, deep down inside…?

For the first month of traveling alone together with Gon, he woke up feeling nothing. Thick syrupyness ran through his veins and his lungs were dry cavities of smoke and sawdust. He felt heavy and betrayed by the world around him: by the woman in a red velvet dress confidently leading the conversation behind you in a restaurant, by the man at the counter of a convenience store who smiled and sincerely wished you a good day after your purchase. How long had they known it without telling you? How many people sensed what you were missing all this time and never said anything?

It was the feeling a smoker gets when they finally get lung cancer: that they had always been suffocated from the moment they started smoking, but they didn't know where to place this feeling or simply paid it no attention until it manifested in a way that could no longer be ignored. Killua had been smoking basically from the moment he was born, so the exact cause of his pain after all this time of feeling nothing or bearing with it was too absurd for him to believe.

Time went on and the dreams became more vivid. It was as though he couldn't wrap his head around concepts such as "safety" or "freedom," finally safe and free from the past with Gon at his side. He had been in danger for so long, living at his house under their watch, that he was still subconsciously waiting for the day the Zoldycks would return to drag him back to the darkness he once called his home. (And now Illumi had.)

Most often he had dreams that weren't memories. What mattered was the overall feeling that accompanied them: fragments of real life mixed in with the embellishment of his long-tormented mind, endured across more than a decade.

He still hasn't escaped them.

It was when Gon noticed and held him close that his mind slowed and he was brought back to the present, where he was safe and free. He was grateful for it – but even more than that… well…

They'd been traveling alone together again for less than a month. Killua didn't have a grand plan for Gon's birthday, so they spent the day sleeping in, going to lunch, looking at gift shops, and exploring the castle ruins on the mountain that rose on the edge of the city.

Gon chose each destination. It was blazing hot the entire day, but Killua knew Gon had wanted to come to this particular city for some time. The place was teeming with tourists who constantly visited from every corner of the world to see all the artistry. Maybe Killua had planned their stay here perfectly, estimating the trajectory of their adventures during Gon's birthday, but he couldn't be sure.

Sometime before dinner, Killua revealed his gifts to Gon: a card with an unknown phone number on it, which turned out to be Mito's – Killua had sent her a cellphone with reception on Whale Island, seeing how quiet Gon could get whenever he thought of Whale Island and Mito and Abe. (The first thing Mito did when she got a text from Gon was ask how it was going between him and Killua, knowing how badly Gon felt when they separated.) Killua's other gift to Gon had been the entire day, and whatever Gon picked from whichever gift shop he wanted – it turned out to be a fish keychain, blue and armored like the Lord of the Lake he'd pulled from Whale Island when he set off for the Hunter Exam (which he subsequently decided to also send to Mito).

Money was hardly an object to two Hunters whose licenses accounted for sixteen lifetimes of riches when put together – so it wasn't as though there were things Gon and Killua couldn't do or see most of the time that they had to save up for during the rest of the year. The only difficulty was whether their current location was near where they wanted to go, and Gon enjoyed a day of exploring the city with Killua at his side more than anything.

Dinner took place in their hotel room late at night. They'd returned pleasantly exhausted and ready for food and relaxation after hiking up the mountain to the castle in the summer heat, all they had seen that day imprinted in their minds, and decided to watch a movie. It was a thriller-drama packed with romance – something about the forbidden love of a woman and the monster who tried to ruin it all. To Killua's surprise, the movie also happened to be quite well-made and entertaining, as it was of course Gon who picked it out, and he tended to like sappier stuff than Killua ever imagined. So invested in the movie, Killua didn't notice Gon scoot closer. He had become familiar with Gon sitting close to him when it was time for relaxation that he hardly gave it much thought. However, euphoric from the day and having forgotten his hesitation – or simply insouciant to it – Gon leaned his head on Killua's shoulder.

When it first happened he'd jumped a little and his mind was momentarily occupied with the questions of "why" and "how," and Gon noticed how his Nen beat wildly with his breaths and how the white hairs at the base of his head stood on-end, but this soon faded as Killua was captured by the film again. Not wanting to interrupt the movie, he didn't say anything.

Killua perdured throughout the second half of the film and grew comfortable with it: Gon's warm thigh against his, his arms scrunched against his chest. It was nearing the climax when the audience gets to see whether the woman and the monster end up together or not and the villain shows up with a gun, when out of the corner of his eye Killua saw the arm that passed over his shoulders, and felt the one wrap around his front.

Suddenly grasping him tightly, Gon's arms hindered Killua's breathing. His overwhelmingly affectionate presence was subduing as he was practically on top of Killua on the bed. Killua tried not to panic with questions roiling in his mind of _what this could mean?_ , _what were Gon's intentions?_ , _how was he feeling?_ , and _how was_ Killua _feeling about it…?_ It wouldn't stop.

The villain was shot and the credits rolled by. Gon still hadn't let go as he exclaimed, "Wow, I loved it!" and in fact snuggled closer to Killua, whispering, "I'm glad we watched it together."

"Y-yeah, me too," Killua stammered. He was going to say more but Gon showed no sign of letting go. His eyes were closed and he seemed already to be drifting to sleep. It _was_ Gon's birthday, so Killua didn't feel he should bother him and ruin it, and also… Killua didn't exactly mind what was happening.

 _Why…?_

The movie credits were long since over as Gon's breathing became more drawn out, and the longer they sat there in screen-lit darkness, embroiled in the dirty platters that had once held their dinner, Gon's warm body was hotter than an electric blanket on top of Killua. With Gon's hair in his face, Killua caught his arboreal scent; Gon's skin smelled of the moist and ancient stones in the castle dungeons they had visited that day, but there was also the unmistakably strong aroma of grass, flowering trees, and clear water. He wondered if he was hallucinating, on the edge of sleep himself, and draped an arm around Gon's back to bring his body closer. Gon sighed sleepily in content.

This brought Killua back to the present. He became fully aware of Gon's closeness and the ease of their situation. He couldn't stop thinking about what it could mean, about the heat building in his chest – but waved it off as a buildup of body warmth.

Perhaps Gon could feel Killua's anxiety in his Nen; perhaps the same thoughts suddenly entered Gon's mind; perhaps nothing had changed at all except that he was actually just tired. Killua didn't know. Not too long after, Gon stirred. "We should go to bed." He got up, and the warmth of his ghost lingered on Killua's skin.

Dirty platters clinked emptily as they collected the remains of what had been a sumptuous meal. After rolling the cart stacked with dishes to the outside of their room, shutting off the TV, and getting under the covers, there was only silence.

Gon fell asleep before Killua for once, his light snores seeming to echo in the room. The city of artists wasn't very loud at night, as it wasn't drug or crime-worthy. Killua heard only his thoughts.

He didn't know why Gon held him like that. They'd never done that before… and he definitely didn't hate it.

No, he definitely didn't hate it. But what did it mean to Gon?

Had he gotten uncomfortable the moment he pulled Gon closer, realizing that Killua was actually –?

 _Enjoying it…?_

Enjoying it… He had been enjoying it. Closeness with another person wasn't something he was accustomed to… He was enjoying it? Really? Why…?

Had Gon stopped because he didn't want to send Killua the wrong message? They hadn't been that close in a long time, and the dreams hadn't become bad enough for Gon to notice yet, though something about it hadn't been as spontaneous as before. This feeling…

Was it friendship? Was it love…?

 _As if someone like me can tell the difference…_

Friendship was already such a new concept to him. Even so it hurt not knowing whether Gon felt the same way: whether he felt that Killua was his sun, stars, or moon up above, as Killua did. Whether there was a clear break in Gon's life between before and after the Hunter Exam, as there was in Killua's; whether he was willing to risk it all on the _chance_ they could be together forever; whether he was feeling things he had never felt before and didn't understand, only with Killua… Killua had no idea.

The image Killua used to have of Gon was childish, and he knew and accepted it now, but Killua couldn't get it out of his head… The vestiges of these feelings remained, with new questions to be answered.

Was it only him who felt this way, who felt this deeply about Gon because of all he had been through…?

Gon's suicidal desires to kill Pitou and get back Kite were enough for Killua to never leave him, but it wasn't just for a debt he had to pay. Would Gon ever understand these feelings? Had he ever felt them? What would it take for Killua to ask…?

Dawn's rosy fingers reached through the curtains by the time he had tuckered himself out with asking.

 _Could Gon ever feel the same way…? Or am I just… broken?_

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua couldn't bear the thought of Gon pulling another stunt like that. He still doesn't know what it meant.

Gon only has one day to plan before the seventh of July, and they lost almost everything in the airship crash, so it couldn't be that troublesome, whatever he has in mind. Thankfully their Hunter Licenses (and therefore all their money) remained in their pockets during the crash, so there's nothing to worry about there, but the kind of elaborate planning Killua knows Gon is capable of, given how flawless his and Palm's date had been –

 _Wait… why did I think of that?_

…Gon is definitely acting the same way he did with her, playful and secretive, except without that solemn air to it all since he isn't being forced to –

 _W-w-wait a minute…?!_

Waiting the next day is agony, but it passes much the same as the one before it while they regain their strength. They don't sleep in as long before lunch and again go to the gym before dinner, during which Killua brings up the last thing that's been bothering him about Illumi's appearance – besides, of course, his actual appearance.

"I just don't understand how I passed out in that situation," Killua says. "I've never passed out in a situation like that before because I've been physically trained not to."

"You were probably just shocked and tired," says Gon, knowing it's something he can completely imagine himself doing – not remembering the time he actually _did_ do it in the dodgeball game against Razor.

"No, you don't get it!" Killua forcefully turns him around by one shoulder, away from the shelves – they're in the science section of a bookstore. "It wouldn't happen. So there has to be a reason."

"Okay, okay, calm down," Gon says, taking his arm for a moment to get him to release his scorching grip. The moment passes. "I believe you, but are you sure the situation didn't have _anything_ to do with it?"

Killua ponders a moment as they walk through the aisles. "…I mean, it was right before I tried to activate Godspeed. I feel like that probably has something to do with it, but it wasn't like I was short on Nen or anything…" _Was the surge in Nen too much for my body to take at that time? But I always monitor myself so that doesn't happen, and I obviously still had a lot of charge left given how I used it against the Needlemen… Does it have something to do with the way the airship was falling toward the ocean? No – how could that make a difference? If anything that should have increased the friction and static electricity in the air and helped me get started._

"…I also remember a sharp pain in my head," Killua murmurs after a while. "It was almost like –" He stops dead, halting in the aisle. Gon looks over at him. "Killua?"

Carefully, he looks over at Gon. "It was like Illumi's needle was still there…"

Instinctively, as he had done so many times over the last two years, he probes his forehead for the scar, and sighs, knowing removing the needle hadn't all been a dream.

Gon watches him in concern. Now he understands why Killua adjusted his bangs so often. "So you think it's an aftereffect of having the needle in you for so long?"

Killua shakes his head. "I'm not sure." They continue going through the aisles. _How could the pain be so tangible, and yet not actually there…?_

It's the seventh.

After sleeping in and eating a large brunch at the hotel, Gon gives him a few gifts: a gift card to go shopping for clothing together and, you guessed it, ChocoRobos. That isn't all.

"I also got you a keychain to match my fish one when we were traveling with everyone else – but I accidentally left it in Alluka's room when you ran away. I texted Alluka and she says she still has it, so I'll give it to you when we see her again."

"Ah, okay." He can't process all the attention Gon is giving him, so obviously trying to make him feel taken care of.

"Killua, do you want to see a movie in the theater later?"

"Uh, sure, I wanted to see the new drama by Gisney."

"Okay, but let's go shopping first!"

Killua turns to him, his eyebrows raised in incredulity. "What, right now?"

"Yeah."

"But you hate shopping for clothes."

"Yeah, but it's your birthday. We can use your new gift card." They walk out of the hotel and onto the street crammed with pedestrians and taxis, staying close so as not to be separated. "Besides," Gon practically yells over the horns blaring around them, "these United States of Sahelta shirts are embarrassing. If you want to buy more than what the gift card I gave you pays for, I'll get it for you. I'll pay for the movie later too."

"What, why?" Killua is so confused. "We both have more money than we'll ever know what to do with."

"I dunno, I just want to." He glances briefly into Killua's eyes as he subtly grins, chin higher than usual. Killua gets a sense of what he's trying to do, and says nothing in case he's wrong.

When they reach the closest clothing store, Gon immediately starts plucking hangers from the racks and holds the clothes against Killua to see how they look. If Gon likes what he sees, he thrusts the hanger at Killua to keep. If not, he smacks it back on the rack with a flourish and a huff before trotting over to the next rack.

"Be sure to show me after each one!" Gon calls as Killua disappears behind the curtain of a dressing room. Killua gives him a face but obliges, a little weirded out by how passionate Gon suddenly is about shopping. With each reveal, Gon "oo"s and "aa"s at each outfit he likes, and makes conflicted expressions in which his eyebrows curve downward and a hand flies to his chin in deep thought before saying it's not the best at those he doesn't.

Killua's never gone shopping with anyone else before – at least, not anyone who would have picked out things they thought _he_ would like. His mother would have loved to put him in as many kimonos as Kalluto (and he's suddenly thankful his younger brother took on the role of "dress-up doll" since Alluka couldn't), and Illumi would have loved to make him wear something more elegant and assassin-like to suit to his abilities, akin to himself. He can't help but feel a certain humiliation from Gon's method – and also a buzzing warmth in his head.

"There's no theme to the things you pick out," Killua complains in the archway of the dressing room after the other started clapping at the dramatic pose he struck. His shoulders are raised, cheeks red. "I want something with more of an aesthetic to it when put together!"

"But you look good in anything, Killua," Gon sighs in exasperation, too quickly to realize what he just said. "Why not just buy all of it?"

Killua assumes Gon meant that purely for the sake of being truthful in their quest to restock on clothes – and also because Gon, being the modest dresser he is, has no idea what _real_ style looks like. "What about you?" Killua questions, annoyed at how easily he's taking this. "You need clothes too."

"But it's your birthday –"

Killua bursts out of the curtains. "Exactly! It's my turn to pick clothes for you! And you _have_ to wear them." There's a gleam in his eye as he takes Gon's shoulders. Killua grabs the most expensive, most colorful, and tightest clothing he can find, and Gon gets flustered when Killua presents them to the lady in the front of the dressing rooms.

To Gon's surprise, when he tries on the clothes Killua chose, he doesn't hate them – if they are pretentious and downright embarrassing at times. Just – a crop top?! Mesh shirts! He never would have guessed himself to be the type to wear this sort of thing, but he must admit it's comfortable and looks all right, even if he can hardly stand to look at himself in the mirror at first.

Killua is completely blunt on what he's wearing. "It looks terrible" to the fur coat and sunglasses. "What was I thinking?" to the goth sweatshirt and low-hanging pants, but also, "Wow, I wasn't expecting this to be your style!" to the crop top, mesh shirts, and booty shorts, and "It's perfect" to the low-cut disco shirt and high pants. Killua smiles proudly, urging Gon to buy whatever looks good without any hint of jealousy. He seems to be enjoying this more than Gon.

Every so often, Killua's fingers picked at the clothing to see if he could adjust it to look more suited to Gon's body, and Gon can't help the chills of warmth that shot up his spine at his friend's carefulness. Something so small and insignificant shouldn't mean so much… He knows it, but it still did.

They leave with two bags of new clothing, and then go to the movie, packed with laughs and snacks – Killua sneaks ChocoRobos into the theater.

At the end of it, they decide to eat in, since everywhere else is too loud to be able to hear each other talk, let alone think. They're in the hotel again with an empty cart while they munch on their desserts. For Gon, a sundae of assorted fruits, for Killua, a banana split with extra chocolate, whip cream, and sprinkles. "Did you like today?"

Killua nods, smiling wide as he finishes off the banana split and licks his lips. "Mhm!" He wipes the remaining food from his face with a napkin before remarking without really thinking, "Yeah, that was way better than what I was expecting. Man, I thought you were going to go overboard like you did with Palm, so I was really worried."

"Hahaha, I'm glad. And yeah, that day ended _soo_ well…" Gon scratches his neck as he rolls eyes. "Wait… how do you know what Palm and I did on our date?"

 _Shit!_ It'd been Killua's secret for all this time – and that day became important to him in so many other ways that he hadn't even suspected Gon's and Palm's date would ever be relevant enough to tell the truth of _that_ part of the day. Gon already knew about the needle, even if he didn't know when it happened, but it was vastly more embarrassing to admit that he'd been spying on his best friend the entire day during a date "to ensure his safety." That was the unabashed truth, but it still sounded like bullshit. _What am I supposed to say here?! He didn't even flinch at the part of implying today was like a –!_

"L-listen, you had no Nen s-so I wanted to make sure everything was fine – plus I didn't stay the entire time, it was more like we happened to be in the same area for parts of the day, and then you wouldn't _believe_ the craziest thing happened –" Not wanting to bring up the needle and Rammot, Killua's about ready to come up with the best alibi story of his life when Gon interrupts.

"Oh, I remember feeling a familiar Nen aura the entire day," he says, lifting a finger in the air after thinking about it intently, hardly listening.

Killua nearly falls over.

"But so much happened after that that I forgot to bring it up."

"Just like that?!" Killua splutters. "You noticed and you ' _forgot to bring it up_ '?!"

"Well yeah," Gon defends, recoiling from his best friend's relieved and rage-filled face. "Then you came back while I was writing those apology talismans to Palm and forcibly removed me from the room and Palm chased us down the street and you wouldn't stop scolding me for being naïve and I was just so happy to be out of the situation that I didn't mind hearing it." Killua tsks and turns the other way. Gon's eyes narrow and he leans in closer, their chests only a few centimeters apart. "So you _were_ following us the entire day~?"

Killua's cheeks alight in his embarrassment as he leans away from Gon, avoiding looking into those curious amber eyes that he feels will carve the truth from his soul if they have to. "M-maybe."

"Why were you following us, Killua~?"

"For your safety, obviously!" Killua splutters in a frail attempt to save himself the humiliation. "Because you didn't have your Nen after being a dumbass in your fight against Knuckle! Like I said!"

"There, there, Killua." Gon pats his upper arm, speaking with a patronizing tone. Killua immediately smacks his arm back, almost hissing at the gesture. "I know you must have gotten lonely without me and just had to make sure we weren't having more fun than you were with your fake all-day-gym-workout story."

"Jeez, if you remember so much why pretend that you don't?!" Killua grumps, crossing his arms.

Gon laughs again, making Killua's face heat anew.

"ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! I GET IT!"

"Okay, okay," Gon concedes, wiping the tears from his eyes.

Killua is surprised at how relieved he is to see Gon crying from something other than sadness. How long had it been since he'd seen that smile? Not the polite Gon smile, but… That smile, which soon fades, and then Killua is watching him look at the floor.

"What are we going to do about Illumi?" he asks quietly. Gon couldn't stop himself from asking it, both knowing the doom descending upon them.

"I don't know. It's only a matter of time before he realizes the needle he put in you isn't doing whatever he hoped it would. That's probably why he backed off without more of a fight."

"Yeah…"

He's still studying the floor, and Killua feels he should say something, apologize for dragging him into this mess. "Gon –"

The other boy smiles at him, and he's interrupted by an apology instead. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to bring it up on your birthday, but I ended up doing it anyway."

"It's fine," says Killua, surprised at how quickly Gon's mood changed. His own apology would be meaningless now. "I've been trying not to think of it either, but it's been hard."

"Yeah… What do you think he wanted the needle to do?"

"Well, based on how you were acting, my guess is that he was hoping to split us up 'by our own accord' via your needle." He looks to the side with a puff of air.

"Mm…"

"You can still feel it, can't you?"

Slowly, Gon nods. "Yeah. Is this how you've felt, all this time…?" He says it more to himself, unbelieving, terrified, trying to imagine a childhood of this kind of pain – in doing so, invalidating his own.

"It likely has different effects on different people," says Killua.

"That's not what I asked," says Gon, looking at him without feeling, trying not to be mad.

Killua waits a beat. "Yeah. It felt like that for a long time. And I think I'm still being controlled by it in a way, given how I passed out…"

"We're still heading toward Greed Island, right?"

Killua smiles at the mention of their dream to see Greed Island again. He almost forgot. "We don't really have anywhere else to go, do we?"

After another moment, Gon says, "Should we warn Bisky and the others about Illumi?"

"No. Getting into contact with them would probably just alert Illumi of their location and put them in danger. Who knows how he was able to trace my last phone. I don't want to risk it."

"Yeah…"

Killua recognizes the somber tone in Gon's voice. "What is it?"

"I don't know. I guess now I'm feeling a little guilty about leaving them behind unannounced. Is that weird?"

"You're the one who suggested it, idiot."

"I know. And I'm glad we did it. But… I wasn't expecting there to be so many difficulties along the way."

Killua has to remind himself that Gon isn't talking about him directly and blaming him. His "Me neither" is still stiffer than he would have liked.

Gon gets up to push the empty food cart outside. When he comes back, Killua is fiddling with the sheets, contemplative. He slumps down beneath the covers and Gon turns off the light. Hearing the blankets and mattress shifting beside him, when he opens his eyes, Killua sees Gon's face right next to him in the darkness.

Killua gives him a confused look in the dark, his heartbeat slow and unsteady.

"Good night."

Gon's casualty further confuses him, especially when there's a hand on his waist where his shirt has ruffled up. Gon is touching his exposed, pale skin.

He wants to ask Gon what he's doing, but his voice becomes lost somewhere on the way to his throat. That's all the farther it gets, anyway. Gon retracts his hand and moves closer, whispering something Killua can barely hear, so Killua puts his arms around him and they drift to sleep.

 _Gon, what are you doing? Do you know…? Is it possible you feel the same as me?_

* * *

 **I've known I would write a "birthday chapter" after mentioning it in the very first chapter. Just ignoring it (like the series does) seemed as though I would be passing up a great chance. However with Gon's birthday already occurring, I felt I had to find a way to include both birthdays since I thought it would have been too Killua-centric not to have a flashback of Gon's birthday as well, even if this chapter overall was more Killua-centric because it was meant to be a parallel to chapter 13, with Killua's thoughts toward Gon, with chapter 13 being Gon's thoughts toward Killua. I digress. Perhaps I'm giving away too much or just stating the obvious. (That would mean I've done my job correctly~)**

 **I'm once again posting this from my friend's phone as I am still in Spain, so I apologize for any weird formatting issues.**

 **Anyway I hope you'll leave your thoughts, I love hearing your opinions on the chapter and/or story!**


	15. Chapter 15

**~ Chapter 15 ~**

* * *

 _"The phone number you are trying to reach is no longer in use. If you would like to try again, hang up, and redial the number, or dial your operator for more options. Thank you."_

Clasped in pale hands, the phone falls gently into the young Zoldyck's lap. Alluka feels faint. It's the fourth time she's tried to contact Killua in the last week to no avail.

Seaweed-thick black hair pokes around the corner into their current motel room, aligned with Palm's all-seeing orb. "Any response, Lady Alluka?"

"No," she chokes out, shaking her head as she tries not to let the sob she's holding back touch her voice. "Nothing. Not a single word."

Languid, the scaly woman sits down beside her, grey hands in lap as she endeavors to discern Alluka's state of mind.

"Do you think something's happened to him and Gon?" Alluka asks, hiccuping on the last word. Those icy blue eyes flash to the older woman, desperately trying not to let how scared she is show. "You don't think Brother's still angry about what I said back then, do you? About Nanika and I wanting to travel alone…"

Slowly, a rough, scaled hand reaches up to stroke the young girl's cheek, her nails grazing her supple skin. Palm can't help but smile at the young girl's determination. "No, he wouldn't still be angry at you for that. You remind me of him, you know."

Tears in those crystal blue eyes, Alluka blinks at her. " _I_ remind you of Killua?" Before Palm can answer, Alluka turns away. "That's not possible. Brother has always been the stronger one. He's always the one getting us out of trouble, thinking quickly when we're in a tough spot." She chuckles a little. "He's gone through so much compared to me… All I did was hide in my room."

"That wasn't your fault," Palm cuts in. She leans closer, taking the young girl's face into both hands this time, so close Alluka can see her reflection in Palm's purple orb. "I've seen you grow so much over the last six months, Lady Alluka. When you first arrived at the teahouse in Jappon, you were naught but a shy girl who could hardly utter her name to us. But overtime you've been able to articulate what your life was like to Bisky and myself. You were able to understand your own ignorance and work to change it, rather than letting yourself stay on the easy path in that childish state of mind. And now… you shine brighter than the waves in sunlight. You were even been able to tell Killua how you felt, when you knew relying on him wasn't helping either of you. And I'm glad to have been able to see you come to where you are now. Isn't that right, Lady Bisky?"

Alluka turns to the doorway to find the stocky Nen master in the doorway. "Damn right!" she declares, fists on her hips. "Out of all of us you're the only one who had the courage to tell Killua the truth."

Palm grumbles as Bisky marches into the room, "Lady Bisky, I thought we agreed not to swear in front of Lady Alluka."

"Oh pish-posh," Bisky waves off. "She's more than old enough to know what those words mean. It's important she hears it from one of us first rather than some guy on the street. When I was her age, I was doing all sorts of dirty –"

"Hey, virgin ears!" Palm shrieks, grabbing Alluka on both sides of the head and blushing madly herself.

"Thank you," Alluka interrupts, wriggling out of Palm's hold. "But you're both wrong about one thing. You _made_ me tell Brother – I didn't do it because I wanted to."

"And bloody good you told him," Bisky agrees. "You did a wonderful job and've grown a lot because of it. I'm sure Killua has too. It was his decision to be an immature baby at the time, so you have nothing to blame yourself for."

Alluka nods, but without smiling, head hung low.

Bisky watches her with sympathetic eyes. "We'll ask the phone company if there's anything we can do about Gon's and Killua's missing telephones, but in the meantime why don't we get something to eat?"

Coming in shortly after, Ikalgo asks Palm in a whisper if they'd heard back from Gon or Killua, to which Palm shakes her head. Alluka focuses on her hands. The last time she spoke to either of them was over five days ago. She'd texted Gon, or more, Gon texted her to ask about something he'd accidentally left in the hotel before he left. She has it in her hands now, a cat keychain with a huge head, large, sharp eyes, and tiny paws curled up as if begging for something, its curvy mouth open. Gon said it was for Killua's birthday. The fact Killua didn't answer yesterday, even yesterday on his birthday, was what caused the most alarm.

The other voice in Alluka's head croaks in question. _"Something… something happened to Killua?"_

" _I don't know, Nanika,"_ Alluka answers. _"Brother isn't answering his phone."_

The image of her twin is clear as day in her mind's eye, and she senses Nanika wringing her hands together in worry as she struggles to say something.

" _What is it?"_ Alluka urges. What comes next is one of the most complex things Nanika has ever said.

" _We… we must… do… something…"_

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Gon watches the landscape pass by outside the train window early the next morning: thin trees interspersed with grasslands, on rocky terrain. The absence of his beetle phone in his hands reminds him of what he last used it for before Killua threw it out the airship window, over five days ago now.

Killua returns from the dining car with an armful of pastries in hand. "Man, this place is loaded," he says, standing in the aisle. "Here, I got you the one with a cherry filling that you like."

"Thanks," Gon says, taking it from Killua's proffered hand as he sits down. He doesn't eat it yet though, lifting it to his mouth. "Hey Killua, do you think we should get another phone?"

Voice garbly, the ex-assassin is already halfway into his cheese danish – croissant and donut on the waiting list. "Hmnf?"

Gon twirls his pastry in his fingers. "It's just… what if the others are trying to contact us, and they're worried because they haven't heard a response in the last few days?"

Killua shrugs as he chews and swallows loudly. "Eh, I doubt it. They know we can take care of ourselves. I thought we already decided it would be a bad idea to contact them because of Illumi."

Gon's reluctant to agree. "Yeah, but still… they're probably worried."

Killua pops his last bite of danish down his throat. "We can call them quickly from a public phone at the next train stop if you want. Getting a new phone would be too risky, though."

"Okay, sounds good." Gon feels himself relax, if only a little. "Where exactly are we headed now?" Killua had awoken him early that morning with the sound of crinkling paper as he shoved all their new clothing back into shopping bags. He'd been breathless, telling Gon they were leaving that second to take a train out of the United States of Sahelta. At first Gon thought Illumi had contacted Killua again due to his franticness, but while waiting at the train station, Gon hardly awake, Killua answered no, he was just ready to move on.

Gon takes a bite of his cherry jelly-filled pastry. _Maybe he was worrying too much to sleep…_

"In order to get to Greed Island, we'll have to take an airship somewhere on the other side of the USS' border. Assuming Illumi doesn't blow it up this time," Killua grumbles impetuously.

"You really don't think Illumi will follow us?" Gon asks, skeptical.

"Of course he'll follow us," says Killua. "We just have to figure out how to evade him."

" _Evade him"…?_

Even if he despises Illumi with all his heart, Gon knows he shouldn't be the one to say it. Illumi is still a part of Killua's family, though dangerous… and, especially knowing which one of them would be doing the dirty work…

"What?" Killua doesn't understand Gon's trepidation as he reaches for his croissant.

Gon ponders his next words carefully. Killua bites into the croissant. "…Illumi is a great threat," he says. "Not only to us but to Alluka and the others. We have to find a way to stop him, Killua, or he might go looking for them first."

"I know," Killua says, nonchalant.

"I thought you had decided to face him when we were on the beach," Gon continues, quieter.

"And I thought you told me I was being too reckless," Killua mumbles, finishing his croissant in no more than three huge bites, not looking at Gon.

"In that situation it would have been reckless for you to go after Illumi."

"Why?" Killua says, digging into the donut next. "He was by himself and I had just destroyed all his Needlemen."

"But you weren't yourself and I… was honestly too shocked to help you," Gon murmurs. "Plus, now that we know he had a needle in me, who knows what could have happened!"

Killua stuffs the donut in his mouth, speaking rapidly. "Gon, don't think I don't know how dangerous Illumi is. He's been hunting Alluka and I for three years. I lived with him for much longer than that."

"Exactly, so you should know that he has to be defeated in order to ensure everyone else's safety," Gon says, calmer. "He'll stop at nothing, won't he? If we planned it out, I'm sure we could –"

"If defeating him is what you wanted, we could have taken him down on the beach in an instant, you know!" says Killua, angry and enervated.

"Why do you think he turned his back on us?!" Gon yells back. "That's what he wanted us to do!"

Killua sits back, crossing his arms and legs as he lowers his voice. "Gon, even if I _can_ defeat Illumi, it would mean nothing. The other Zoldycks would be on our tails in seconds. He could be on this train right n –!"

Screeching train wheels throw everyone forward as they lurch to a halt. Disheveled, Gon and Killua glance nervously at one another before a voice comes over the loudspeaker. "Good day, everyone. Some cows have appeared over the tracks, but we're working to move them as soon as possible. Rest assured this should only delay our arrival time by a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience."

Both let out a breath and chuckle at the anxiety in the room palpable through their Nen. The tension diffuses.

"Anyway," Killua starts, sitting up. "Even if we were able to defeat Illumi by some miracle, it's unlikely the other Zoldycks wouldn't come looking for us right after. A Zoldyck killing another Zoldyck… it's entirely unheard of, and completely unprecedented. I don't want to know how they would react."

By the way he ends the discussion, Gon gets the feeling he's hiding something, or avoiding saying it, but the train starts moving again, with flat countryside passing behind them. Quite suddenly, Killua says, "Gon, I'm sorry for dragging you into this. You've put yourself in the middle of our family drama more than once for my sake, and it's only hurt you in the process. So, I'm sorry." Gon sees him bend forward, bowing his head with his hands on both knees in a formal apology. At the sight of Killua's white hair hanging over his face, it strikes him as putative folly. He resists the inclination to smack Killua over the head and instead mimics his friend's wistful tone and words that night they watched the New Years fireworks over the river.

"After all this time you feel like you have to apologize to me?"

Bewildered, Killua lifts his head just enough to see Gon's face, but the other uses the chance to plunk him on the forehead.

"Ow! What was that for?" Killua barks, holding his head.

"It's what you do to me when I'm being a dumbass," he retorts, "so that's just what I'm doing." His eyes squint tenderly. "Killua, you don't have to apologize for something I chose to do myself."

Confusion cycles through him. Killua struggles to piece the words together. "Still, I –"

"I said you don't have to."

"But –"

"Killua." Gon is no longer smiling.

Ashamed in a way he hasn't been before, Killua looks away, hardly realizing their new surroundings outside the windows as they pass by: thick evergreen forest. Eventually, seeing how twitchy and avoidant Killua is, Gon stands and crosses seats to sit right next to him. Killua's head snaps back over to him, "What're you doing?" tumbling out of his lips though Gon is already leaning against him, eyes closed.

Killua can't help how heated his face becomes at how close his friend is, seemingly without reason, at how serene Gon looks. His friend's peaceful face reminds him of a forest pool at noon, animals at rest in the trees, the sun filtering through the leaves, their shade swaying lightly over his copper face. It's as if Gon's already half-asleep.

He shakes himself out of it before he gets any more lost in his reverie.

Killua feels ashamed for always wanting to create a distance that Gon immediately closes. Create too much distance and he could lose his friend entirely, but closing the gap… was even more worrisome.

 _Gon… you'd reject me. And even if you didn't… I'm afraid I would devour you whole._

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

That night, the train curves around the coast: valleys of trees by the unending sea. They'll cross the border to their destination to the east tomorrow.

Retreating back into the train section for sleeping are the personal first-class cars. Twin-sized beds dwell in a room the size of a small hotel, with windows on either side and a lamp between. The room is stocked in commodities, with redwood finishes on the ceiling and walls, their own personal refrigerator, and a connected bathroom.

Gon and Killua turned off the light after spending the morning and afternoon dozing, then exploring the train for any kind of entertainment. The most that'd been found was the cooking car, where they snagged more than their fair share of hors d'oeuvres.

Across from him in the darkness comes Gon's voice. "Killua…"

"What is it?"

"There's something you aren't telling me about Illumi, isn't there?"

The other sighs, jumbling the covers around as he turns to face Gon in the bed across from him. Surprisingly, Gon is sitting on his back, staring at the ceiling, until he sees Killua looking at him. Then he turns, too.

"I want to ask, but…" _I feel like it's one of those untouchable topics with you._

"You already made it clear you want him dead," Killua says. "Why do you want to know more?"

"I mean, I don't like him because of how he treats you, but… he is your brother… Do you love him?"

There's a long pause that only the sound of the train cars dint as they jostle against the tracks. At first Gon thinks Killua won't answer. Finally, he says, "No."

Gon waits, his taciturn behavior not sitting well with him. "…That's it?" Gon asks. "You don't have anything else to sa –? _Uhg_ , I can't take this." Sitting erect on his bed and swinging his legs around the side, Killua watches Gon stand and take the single step to the edge of his own bed.

"…What're you doing?" Killua asks, eyeing Gon as he stands over him in the darkness, his white shirt clearly visible.

"I want to sleep with you," says Gon bluntly, maybe even a little upset. "It's weird having you so far away all of a sudden."

Killua tries not to melt at his friend's apparently clueless forwardness. "Th-these beds are really small, Gon – i-it's fine if we don't share for one ni –"

Gon bends over and lifts up the covers anyway. "Whatever, I don't care," he says hurriedly, sticking his legs in. He slides in next to Killua, no less bashful than normal as he protests. He obediently moves over nonetheless.

"W-wait a second! How are we going to fall asleep like this?!"

Killua can sense Gon's pout before he sees it. His cheeks puff and brow tightens in the dark. "You don't want to?"

Killua's heart feels like it's being crushed inside his chest, and he can't help but think how ironic that is, given his past profession. Hands propped on either side of Killua's half-turned body – one on his waist and the other before them on the bed – he can't refuse Gon like this. "F-fine," Killua sputters, trying not to think too much as Gon moves in, doing his best to hide his giddiness. Leaning on the pillow and their arms, Gon and Killua face each other only a few inches apart, ignoring the sudden heat in the room, though Gon's other arm is again on Killua's side.

"So, what were you saying?" Killua pushes first to distract himself from the thoughts running rampant in his head. _There's hardly enough space for both of us…_ His skin feels like it's on fire where Gon's hand rests on his side.

Gon glances down briefly. "Uhhh… Oh, right. It was about Illumi. You really don't love him?"

"No. I don't," Killua refutes.

"But you hesitated before."

"What, you don't have to think more before answering a question like that?" He already knows it's a stupid thing to say – but is too occupied by Gon's closeness to be able to think about much else.

"Of course not – if someone asked me if I loved Aunt Mito and Grandma Abe, I'd say 'with all my heart!'"

"Heh heh, yeah, dumb question," Killua admits aloud, avoiding Gon's eyes as he tries to calm his fluttering chest. Gon's hand hasn't moved.

Unsure what to say next, Gon doesn't understand why Killua's responses are so lackluster in sass. Is it because of the topic, or something else? Gon rubs one foot against the other. "So…"

"Why are you suddenly asking me all of this?" Killua asks, somewhat accusatory yet seeming to shrink. He tremors slightly under Gon's hand and even shifts back, as if he wishes he could disappear into the mattress and covers.

Gon's face widens and he lifts his head from the pillow, his hand losing Killua's side. "Huh?"

"You never asked me about my family before," Killua says, his sapphire eyes shifting back to Gon, fingers curling on the pillow before them. "Why are you asking now? It can't just be 'cause of what's happened over the last few days…"

Gon thinks a moment, tilting his head and taking note of the rectangular ceiling as he does so. "No… well, yes, but not really."

"Then why?" Killua demands, taking Gon aback with his affrontational tone.

"It's because… I want to help you, Killua… and I think talking about it, so I can understand you, will help me do that. You already told me I could do what I wanted and see how it works out, right?"

"Right…" Killua swallows the lump building in his throat, surprised by how easily he's about to say the next part. "I want to help you too, you know…"

The other's eyebrows furrow. "Why?"

"Because what you mentioned about the needle making you remember… wasn't… normal. And also…" He holds his tongue as best as he can, drowning the dark feelings inside him that threaten to take hold. "I can never forget the sight of you in the hospital."

Soon after saying it, Killua closes his eyes. Gon utters his name in apology: "Killua…" It's a plea, and out of surprise.

Voice hoarse, Killua mutters, "…How can you expect me to trust you when you're still hiding things from me…?"

He's said the same thing many times, yet Gon had never thought of it that way before – that mutual trust is needed to ever progress – as if the rules of being a friend only applied to other people, but never to himself. Hearing Killua say it is like a well-meaning punch to the gut. "I guess I feel that your problems are bigger than mine, so I don't see the point in telling you…"

Repeating what he said a week ago, this time with his eyes closed and lips taut and quivering, Killua says, "I can't do it, Gon. Not again."

 _That's what he meant when we were on the beach back then, and I thought he meant he wanted us to separate…_ He couldn't bear to see Gon in that state again, with no hope of saving him.

"You hide things because you think that it will get in the way of helping me, don't you?" Killua asks, leaning forward on his pillow at last.

"Y-yeah, I guess," Gon says, a little uncomfortable at having his friend pick apart his subconscious so succinctly. Little did he know Killua did it all the time, except seldom to the person's face – Gon wasn't used to being in the position of "analysist's subject."

Killua isn't sure how to say it without making his other feelings too obvious – feelings he doesn't even know are there to begin with. So, instead he opts for unclarity – the first thing that pops into his head. "Gon, it feels like you're using me."

"Wh-what?"

"You aren't helping me by shielding me from the truth."

Stunned, Gon cries out, "I'd say the same to you, then! What good do you think hiding what your family did to you – what they're _still_ doing to you?! I already told you that I want to be with you, Killua, that I want to keep being with you, so I –!" He stops dead, his head and shoulders raised from the bed, his voice furious, low, and gruff, commanding. The words he wants to say force his mind to go blank. He hadn't expected that outburst from himself, and starts again, more in control of his feelings. "I guess, after having to deal with the needle Illumi put in me, and knowing you went through that for such a long time without even knowing what it was… I understand even more what you had to go through, growing up with the Zoldycks. But at the same time, I don't feel like I know anything. And it's so frustrating, since that's how I've felt ever since I left home to take the Hunter Exam… so I want to know more about you. I want to understand…" His voice trails off, upper body raised from the bed.

Killua smirks bittersweetly, his eyes darkening, though a twinkle remains. "Gon, you can't expect me to do that unless you let me do the same."

The islander boy doesn't look at him as he nods, slightly. His energy starkly fizzles – what was left of his aura had blazed out in a singular flame right after he said it, violent and searing. For a moment, Killua wondered if he'd gained his Nen back, but it had been out in an instant, and having shaken the entire car.

 _His emotions made him feel that strongly…?_ Killua sits up too, the sheets hugging his legs. "Gon –"

Gon hardly looks at him as he takes Killua by the shoulders and pulls him into a breath-choking hug. Killua is paralyzed by the sensations that rattle through his body – hot, zingy, and satisfying.

"Killua, I care about you so much. I-I really…" He's crying so much Killua can hardly understand him, his shirt wet with the fat tears running down Gon's cheeks and neck. "…have loved having you by my side – you have no idea how glad I am to see how different you are now compared to when we first met, how happy I was to get you away from the Zoldyck Estate, how much I love you. I j-just –!"

The tears sting in his eyes, and Killua doesn't mind. Even if Gon didn't mean it as anything more than what they have now, _It's more than enough._ He wraps his arms around Gon in return. The rest doesn't matter. At least for now.

Gon is sobbing against him, and Killua knows he'll accept it, whatever comes… or whatever doesn't. The realization makes Killua even more urgent to have Gon close to him, and he squeezes him just as tight.

They don't pull apart for what feels like hours, and then a laugh breaks into the air. All possible awkwardness is dispelled, for they're both blubbering idiots. Leaning back to take a look at each other, Gon is smiling as he wipes his face, shining from his tears in the dim light of outside. "Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah…" Killua grins surreptitiously as he glances down into his lap, and then through silver bangs into Gon's eyes. "I love you too, you know."

The gears in Gon's head come to a halt; he stops moving.

His mouth hangs open like a codfish pinned to the wall.

"Wh… what…?"

* * *

 **I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A REALLY CHEAP WAY TO END A CHAPTER BUT THERE'S LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY. You'll just have to wait. I hope chapters focusing on dialogue aren't too distracting nor too different from all the analytic character development stuff as, of course, there must be some variation in order for the heavy moments to have their meaning… *tries not to scream* So,,, yeah,,**

 **While I'm here I would like to thank my two anonymous reviewers from the last two chapters, to the Guest, I'm glad you liked the stream of emotions. And to HxH3, I'm so pleased you believe I've been able to capture Gon and Killua and their perspectives, both of which are extremely important if they are ever to come to terms with each other. I hope this chapter and all of my new chapters will continue to impress. (And yes, Spain was rather fun and beautiful~)**

 **Also, I have** _ **no idea how I forgot all this time but**_ **my muse, mirycactusito on Tumblr, drew a comic months ago illustrating a key moment in chapter 4! It's in the tag "miryart" on her blog, and it is also one of the first posts in my likes on my Tumblr, which is naysaltysalmon.** _ **Please**_ **be sure to give it some attention as she spent a lot of time on it. It turned out almost exactly how I pictured while I was writing the chapter ages ago.**

 **I'm so happy so many of you have stuck around with this story, and at how many new readers there are too. Please don't forget to leave your thoughts below… though I am quite fearful of your reactions;;; Thanks!**


	16. Chapter 16

**~ Chapter 16 ~**

* * *

Maybe the clatter of the steel wheels against the train track made him hear wrong. Maybe he's too fatigued from the last few weeks to think straight.

" _I love you too, you know."_

On the same bed, only a few inches apart, Gon wonders why Killua's lack of reaction is so unsettling to him. He already said it himself, and yet…

 _That was different._

The ex-assassin cocks his head, a smile dimpling his cheeks – until judging from the lax curve of Gon's eyebrows and the parting of his lips, Killua understands the meaning Gon took. Killua's shoulders rise. His face recedes into a bright shade of crimson.

 _Oh, he didn't mean it like that._

Realizing his mistake, Gon can't help but smile. A startling warmth pervades his body. It isn't emptiness or disappointment that envelops him. All the sensations he expected to feel when told those words, and by Killua nonetheless – all the things he'd planned to say – were lost to him. Killua hadn't meant it in that way, and yet… Gon still felt what his friend told him was real, more real than anything told to him before. It isn't an intoxicating passion. It felt like being home.

Killua gulps, lightheaded from his racing thoughts, dreading the silence. He can see Gon's smile but he doesn't trust it. _Why is he acting so calm?_ Killua thinks. _Shouldn't he be grossed out by the implication or something?_ If that's even what Gon's thinking – it could just be Killua construing whatever meaning he wanted to Gon's stunned silence that made him think Gon took it "that way" to begin with.

"Don't worry, it's fine," Gon says finally to the darkness between them.

Catching his voice, Killua stutters, "A-are you sure…?" He doesn't even know what Gon is saying is "fine"! He just wants to move on from this topic as soon as possible – he's probably entirely wrong about what Gon's thinking.

"Mmhm," Gon answers somnolently.

Killua waits for him to say more. Instead, he feels the tips of Gon's fingers poking at his curled knuckles on the sheets between them. He turns toward them, the large, tan fingers grazing Killua's pale and slender own. Killua flips his palm over, opening it. Tenderly, Gon traces the lines on his hand, then places his hand entirely on top of Killua's, gripping slightly. Killua grips in return.

They look up at the same time, glimpsing the other's uncertainty.

Killua gulps again. Contrary to what he expects, his breathing is regular, his heartbeat slow. This level of tranquility at being so close to someone… isn't something he's ever felt before. It's a grounding feeling, one that binds him to the moment rather than sending him into a frenzy, making him wish he was somewhere – anywhere – else.

And that, more than anything, makes him understand.

 _Is that the difference…?_

Gon wraps his arm around Killua's side, and they lay down on the pillow together again, watching each other's face. Killua brings an arm around Gon's back too, and they hug close on the bed, shuddering from the contact.

 _Killua feels really comfy,_ Gon can't help but think to himself, gasping slightly with every intake of breath. He feels that heat from before, flowering in his chest, but this time, it travels downward, into something more intense. _Killua is really warm too…_ Gon feels breath on his neck, which only makes him crazier as the heat circulates faster, like molten lava in his gut. It wants to go even lower, and he's not sure he can stop it, until –

There's water on his neck. Killua is sobbing into his shoulder.

Surprised, Gon's careening thoughts come to a standstill. He fondles Killua's hair as the other trembles in his arms, clinging to his shirt.

Shushing him softly, Gon closes his eyes, and they drift away…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The next morning, they're still close together, sharing a bed. Hot bars of sunlight stab through the shutters on the other side of the room, where Gon's bed was supposed to be. The sound of the breakfast trolley awakens them.

Recalling last night as he rubs his eyes – Gon _really_ needs to go to the bathroom. "How are you feeling?" he asks, sitting up.

Killua sucks in a sleepy breath before looking up at him, content and confused. He stretches both elbows over his head against the pillow. "Better," he sighs out.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." His eyes are closed and his voice full of warmth. He looks quite comfortable, so Gon believes him – but he still doesn't know what any of last night was about, not even his own reasons…

Swaying over his friend for a moment, Gon says, "I love you too, Killua."

Eyes shooting open, Killua looks away when he sees Gon's face full of sincerity, a blush on his cheeks. "I-I know."

Gon lets a small grin overtake his features as he stands to go to the bathroom, not before poking Killua's exposed navel and causing him to ball up with both hands over his stomach. A breathy laugh escapes his lips as he tries to kick Gon off the bed, but he's already gone, bathroom door shut.

Staying halfway under the covers and feeling warm all over, Killua's eyes slide over to the scenery outside his window. They're probably just about to cross the border of Sahelta, far into the snowy mountains of the tundra now. The temperature has certainly dropped, the air above the covers scraping at his steamed skin. His thoughts linger on last night like a storm of gnats over rotting food. What did it mean…?

The toilet flushes, and Killua gets up to use it next. When Killua comes out of the bathroom, Gon is a bit more dressed than before – at least, enough to be presentable to the other passengers. Killua yawns as he stretches with his arms over his head, shirt lifting to expose his navel again. Crust-filled tears form in his eyes from the effort. Gon can see all Killua's teeth, surprisingly white despite all the sugar he consumes. He still doesn't understand Killua's reaction last night, crying like that…

"Is it okay if I ask you about last night…?"

At first, Killua thinks Gon means them sharing a bed – and whatever else followed. Slowly, Killua lowers his arms.

Gon adds, "About Illumi, I mean."

Wiping tears from his eyes, Killua mumbles, "You're bringing that up _now_? This early in the morning?"

His casual tone strikes Gon the most. Rather than taking on a stiff and avoidant personality like normal, Killua cracked a joke. "Uh –"

Killua pulls a sweater over his muscle shirt and some pants on over his boxers before opening the door to their room, itching his lower back beneath his shirt. "Let's get something to eat first."

 _He didn't even put any shoes on…_

"What are you gonna have?" Killua asks, the sleeves of his maroon wool sweater pulled up over his hands as he surveys the menu across from Gon in the dining car.

"Probably bacon and eggs," says Gon, glancing up at him. "I feel like it's been ages since we had a proper breakfast, and I'm feeling like meat."

"Hmm…" Killua continues to look.

When the waitress comes over, Gon places his order. "I'll get the same," says Killua, and they hand off their menus.

"So, why did you hesitate before saying you don't love him?" Gon asks Killua in the middle of drinking his orange juice. He's inclined to spit it out all over Gon's brown sweatshirt and white tassels, his persistence ever-baffling. Instead, he licks his lips as he sets his glass down on the table, taking his time. Killua looks out the window, to the microscopic snowflakes falling gently over the mostly-black mountains. Gon waits patiently with his hands on the knees of his grey jeans.

"You know, Gon… talking about this isn't something I'm used to."

Anticipating Killua's refusal to talk, Gon opens his mouth.

Killua says, still looking out the window, "Despite everything they've done, I can't just cast my family aside. They're still… the people I spent the most time with as a kid." He glances over at Gon. "So, I guess I do still feel a sense of familiarity with them, even now…" Placing an elbow on the table, he puts his chin in his hand, looking disgruntled.

 _Interesting._ "So you don't love them… but you feel obligated to them?" Gon asks.

Killua sits up again. "No, it's not even that. It's just that I know I can't forget them. Even though, sometimes, I've wanted to deny their existence… I can't do that. They're the family I have, even if they aren't an ideal one. I can't just shake them off, even if I want to. My three years spent in a daze with Alluka have proven that, and all my time spent with you, only to have Illumi attack us head-on… I can't run away forever…"

Their bacon and eggs arrive shortly after, and it hits Gon as strange how open Killua is being about this. He said the last few sentences more to himself. It isn't that Killua hasn't been open for the last few days, but normally when talking about his family in any context, it was always after much begging and pleading or some horrifying event that he finally told Gon the truth.

Slicing into his eggs, Gon glances up at his friend. "Killua… I hope you'll tell me more about what they did to you."

Killua takes a large bite of his own eggs, staring blankly at Gon. "What do you mean?"

"Ah, I mean –" _All the scars…_ It's on the tip of his tongue, but with Killua's deadpan stare across the table, he feels weird being the one to point it out. They are at breakfast… "N-nothing," he says, focusing on his food in embarrassment.

"What is it?" Killua pushes, cutting another slice of egg. "I thought we agreed not to hide things anymore."

 _Oh…? Is that why?_ Is this the effect last night had had…? Gon looks up, brazen. "All the scars, I mean," Gon comments. "You've never told me the half of what they've done to you."

There isn't a change in Killua's behavior, per se, but instead… a slight jolt of his shoulders as he picks up a piece of bacon, quickly looking Gon in the face. Almost like a naughty child caught in the act of stealing a cookie. _He's probably actually done that many times,_ Gon thinks, not sure why he's so entertained by the thought. Perhaps it was because he knew behind the aspects of a normal life Killua led at the Zoldyck Estate… there's still so much that went on behind the walls that no one knew anything about.

"Oh," is all Killua says, neither overly sentimental nor entirely vague. With a curiosity and finality to it. Silver-blue irises drift toward the ceiling as he chews, keeping the bacon close to his mouth.

"That's all you have to say?!" Gon sputters after a moment, unable to contain himself. His heart aches for a reason unknown to him.

Killua shrugs. "No, I guess… I didn't think they were that noticeable, the scars, I mean." _And I know I made sure never to tell you about my home life, Gon._ He avoids mentioning the second part.

"Of course they're noticeable… We've known each other for a long time now… Did you think I hadn't noticed…?"

Killua can't comprehend the sorrow in Gon's eyes, and he feels bad, knowing this must have been something Gon has had eating away at him for all these years. His pity isn't enough to want to address the issue, though. He didn't hide Gon from his past for no reason. He wasn't even fully attentive to the differences between himself and the rest of the world back then when they first met, so it's something he never felt the need to bring up.

And now that he knows, he isn't sure how…

Gon can't seem to stop himself. "They… they tortured you, didn't they…?"

His eyes widen. The lines under his eyes crease. Quite suddenly, the oil from the bacon makes his hands feel clammy. The golden, split-open egg yolk all over his plate makes his stomach churn. Hearing it spoken aloud by Gon… put a whole new perspective on – on everything. He can't brush it off with a crass remark now.

Thankfully, at that moment, the waitress returns to ask about their food. Killua takes the opportunity to ask her for the check. Gon tries to catch his gaze, but he doesn't know what to say, if he should say anything, since Killua hasn't.

They wait as the waitress leaves. After signing the check, still without saying a word, Killua gets up from the booth and walks back in the direction of their room. Gon is about to follow him, when Killua says over his shoulder, "I need to change into something more suitable for when we arrive," and the door to the dining car slides closed behind him. Gon sits there, half-turned in the booth.

Clenching his fists, he looks back at his half-eaten eggs and untouched bacon. _He's still not willing to talk about it with me… I should have known…_

Maybe he'd said it too weirdly anyway… Killua should be the one to bring up something like that, not him, right? _But if I don't bring it up, will he ever…?_ Of course Killua wouldn't want to talk about something like that…

When Killua emerges from their personal bathroom, having ruffled his hair and straightened his clothes, Gon is there. "Gon –"

He hugs him before Killua can get the chance to talk. For a moment, Killua freezes, his arms hovering in the air at the sudden contact, until finally he closes his arms around Gon. Gon takes a deep breath in, rising against him. "I don't expect you to tell me. I shouldn't have asked that so suddenly. But like I already said, I can't do anything if you won't tell me. I just want you to know that I – I really do care about you, and I'll do anything to make you feel all right."

"Man, what's with you…" Killua sighs, warm from Gon's forceful embrace. "I know, idiot…"

Gon leans back with tears in his eyes. "Then –!" He's not sure what he wants to ask. Killua's face is again right next to his, and Gon feels his circuits overheating, remembering last night. It's to the point where he's unable to think about anything else, though he tries desperately to suppress it.

Hiding his own pinked cheeks, Killua turns his head to the side. "It isn't that I don't trust you enough to talk about it, I just…" Cold sweat appears on his temples as he realizes, _I don't know how…_

Gon clasps Killua's hands. "You just…?"

Killua takes Gon's arms, lowering them. His brow tightens as he looks at their linked hands. "Gon, I don't think telling you about the Zoldycks is what you need if we're thinking of taking them on, starting with Illumi."

"Killua, I don't want to know about them to best know how to defeat them. I want to know so I can help you…"

"I know that, Gon. But telling you won't solve anything. If you become as afraid of them as I am…"

Gon wasn't there when Killua faced Illumi in the final phase of the Hunter Exam. He hadn't seen the ice cold terror in those blue eyes, how his friend shook with fear at the mere sight of his older brother, how he'd cried tears of humble frustration when trying to shield Alluka from Illumi's hold years later. Overcoming that fear enough to have even an inkling of desire to face Illumi on the beach had taken everything he had… _Only after being driven that far…_

Voice shaking, Gon asks, "Why are you afraid of them?" The reason of the needle should be enough…

Killua hardly looks at him. "You already said it yourself."

Dead silent, Killua feels Gon's aura begin to stir. His fingers shake.

After being healed by Alluka, Gon has only had enough Nen to keep him alive, trailing from his body in thin wisps – not exactly awakened, but not entirely latent either. Now, his Nen flickers on and off in bursts of aura spewing out of him, all over, like a magic fountain – it's as though he's attempting to take on Ren. It rattles the train windows and walls, their furniture.

 _Does he realize what he's doing?!_ "G-Gon –!"

He's changed his mind completely about who should do the dirty work. Gon declares, "I'll be the one to kick Illumi's ass!"

"Don't joke like that," Killua says, serious and intimidated. Killua drops Gon's hands and takes him by the shoulders instead, seeing that immovably dark look in his eyes, feeling it in his chaotic aura. "This isn't your problem, Gon."

Gon's Nen coughs on fumes, but he's stuck-fast to his rage. "It is my problem! He's still making you suffer, even now! He has to –!"

Killua punches him on the back of the head, hard enough to make him recoil.

"H-HEY!" Gon stands straight, holding his head.

"Knock it off!" Killua orders.

Normal, not-drunk-with-Nen-power Gon has reappeared. "But –!"

"I appreciate you being protective of me but now isn't the time. We need to come up with a strategy to take him down, in a way that won't alert the other Zoldycks of our movements, not one of us just charging in there thinking we can do it all on our own! Got it?"

"Y-yeah…" Gon's still clutching his head.

"DO YOU?" Killua roars.

"Y-yes!" Gon calls back.

"Good." Killua can't help how fluttery he felt about the "being protective" part. Though he's more than capable of handling bad situations on his own – probably even more than Gon – it makes him happy in a way. _But I can't let that idiot charge in on his own in wanton revenge again. Even if that's what I almost did back on the beach…_ Gon had stopped him for a reason.

 _Heh, it seems that finally the tables have turned._ He chuckles to himself. But if Gon's Nen was returning… that could be for the worse. Killua would avoid bringing attention to it unless absolutely necessary. "We still have until late tonight before we arrive at our destination, so we might as well make a strategy and rest before then. I doubt Illumi will stay far behind for long."

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Some time after Gon got up and followed Killua from the dining car, the waitress took up the phone underneath the counter. She dials a number. It rings a few times before picking up. "Yes?"

"Master Illumi, I have found your targets. They're on the international train heading east on the Yorbian Continent, toward Sahelta's sister country. As you said, it appears the one with black hair is not under the influence of Nen." She turns toward their personal car in the back of the train, revealing the needle behind her left ear. "Yes, sir. I'll keep an eye on them."

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 _That's why he cried in my arms last night,_ Gon ruminates, remembering their conversation that morning. It's afternoon, and Killua is in the shower. _It was because of the things he's unable to say. I'm sure of it…_

For a while, Gon listens to the sound of shower water slapping the tiles on the bathroom floor and snowflakes hitting the windows. Hard, like pebbles. When he catches himself in aliferous thoughts, his cheeks heat.

Last night, when they were so close to each other… he –

His cheeks heat up more, unable to admit it.

 _Did Killua notice…?!_ He must not have, if he didn't say anything. Gon feels ashamed. He feels he deceived Killua, both with that, and by not addressing how he first interpreted Killua's words last night. He said the same thing, but he wasn't thinking, and he never thought Killua would return the feelings, even if he hadn't said it in _that_ way…

 _Hadn't I been saying it in "that"_ _way myself…?_

 _I shouldn't even be thinking about that right now!_ he reprimands, throwing himself against the bed. _We have to find a way to defeat Illumi. Killua's feelings come first!_

Still, as he laid there alone, that heat lingered just beneath his skin.

Would he be able to control himself long enough to focus on Killua's feelings instead of his own?

* * *

 **Yes, I am alive! This was probably the first chapter in a really long time that I decided on a day to write it, got all settled in with my breakfast and my cushions and my water and my ideas, sat down, and… Nothing happened. Thankfully, inspiration came to me today! As you may have guessed I'm really busy with school this year, but I'm really enjoying my studies, so I can't say I'm all too sad about it. (Just a little exhausted – or a lot.) I'm on break this week is the reason I was able to write this chapter. It took a lot, so I hope you enjoy it.;;**

 **I want to thank all my readers, old and new. This story has gained a decent amount of attention the last few weeks. I can't believe it! Your support and kind words mean a lot to me, as I pour my soul into every chapter. You are all an inspiration to me, truly, and I'm so glad so many have accompanied me on this journey.**

 **With that, I hope you'll leave your thoughts on this chapter as well…!;;**


	17. Chapter 17

**~ Chapter 17 ~**

* * *

During their strategy talk that afternoon, Killua surmised Gon to be unaware of his Nen awakenings the past few days – which is for the better. But once Killua finishes showering, Gon seems to be in a… _strange_ mood.

 _I have to control myself,_ Gon thinks frustratedly, trying to ignore the feeling that took hold of him last night only to be shattered by his friend's tears. He hardly hears Killua emerge from the bathroom. Towel around his neck, in a white T-shirt and black sweatpants, he finds Gon lying on the bed with a pillow over his face.

 _Long enough to ask Killua more about his past – and long enough to defeat Illumi. That's more important than whatever I'm feeling now!_ He doesn't consider a possibility of afterward.

"Uh… Gon?"

Gon peeks out from underneath the pillow and blinks. "Ah, sorry. I'm fine."

Killua wipes his towel through his hair as he pulls the wooden bathroom door closed behind him. "You sure?"

Seeing Killua's moist pale skin, damp hair, and casual expression, Gon's eyes widen. He stuffs his face under the pillow again. "Yes," he says, voice muffled.

Killua watches him with curiosity. "Hell you are." Sitting down on the bed, he leans over Gon and pokes at his shoulder. "What's wrong with you?"

"I just feel a little pain where the needle was," Gon mumbles beneath the pillow. "That's all."

"Lemme take a look," Killua insists, trying to pull the pillow off his face.

"No, really," says Gon, clasping his fingers tighter on the pillow. "It's fine –"

In one swift motion Killua swipes the pillow from his face so fast that it hits the adjacent wall.

"H-hey!" Gon yelps, sitting up on both hands, but Killua is already probing the side of Gon's forehead where the light scar from the needle remains. Bypassing Gon's irritated and embarrassed front, Gon's amber eyes fixate on Killua in shock. He doesn't move. Hardly breathes.

"Hmm." Killua lowers his hand. "You feel really hot. Are you okay?"

"I already said y-yes," Gon stammers, his chin dropping slightly. His eyes shift between Killua's. The pallid ex-assassin takes the towel around his neck through his hair again, to get it to the signature fluff. He hardly notices the action, as it's just habit now.

Reluctantly, Gon's hand reaches out for Killua's head, too – but Killua leans back reflexively before Gon can touch his white hair. His sapphire eyes are large, frozen, as he watches Gon's face.

Immediately, it seems as though an atomic bomb was dropped inside Gon's head. "U-uh –" Retracting his hand, Gon's eyes swivel away and then around the room until he regains confidence, bursting in exasperation. "What? You can touch my forehead but I can't touch yours?!"

"Th-this has nothing to do with that and you know it!" Killua retorts, a hand flying to his bangs, where the needle's scar remains.

Panicking, for a split second Gon believes Killua's figured out what he was trying to hide last night. He leaps forward, hugging Killua tightly around the waist. "Aaaaah, Killuaaa!"

"Agh! What the –?! Cut it out!" Killua tries to stand but Gon's death-grip makes him trip and fall onto his face, taking both of them down with him. He squirms in Gon's hold. "Jeez, Gon, what's _wrong_ with you today?"

Gon's arms only tighten around Killua on the floor. "Killua, I'm really happy to be with you," he whimpers.

Killua stops struggling for a moment to listen to him.

"Even though Illumi is after us and we're separated from everyone else," Gon continues, "I'm really happy we've become closer."

Killua's face heats at the declaration, though variations of it have been said many times before. "Y-yeah."

He's hardly answered, when Gon climbs teasingly on top of him, his hands on Killua's shoulders. They used to do this when they were younger, wrestling until they could hardly stand. Back then, Killua would flip Gon over with a snarky reply, and in no time they'd go tumbling through the grass – as they'd done not too long ago in the countryside.

Hoping to get his mind off his invading thoughts, that's what Gon was expecting Killua to do now. And any other time, he would have…

Now Killua's eyes are wide as he stares intently up at Gon. Gon's smile fades. His friend is silent.

"Killua…?"

Gon's words strike him. Their new closeness the last few days – Gon noticed it also. He even said so. And Killua…

"Get off," he says quietly.

"H-huh…?"

"I said get off!" Killua yells.

Gon releases his hands and Killua sits up, his aura swishing viciously back and forth – apoplectic. His towel is on the floor now.

"Killua… what's wrong?"

The ex-assassin stares up over the beds and out the train windows, into the snowy world behind, before shaking his head. It's real, everything that's happened. So then why does he feel so…?

"It's nothing. Ah, I don't know how to explain it," he corrects, knowing Gon won't believe him.

"Is it something from the past?"

He nods.

"Killua –" Gon reaches for him again only to be slapped away. They sit without moving. "Please," says Gon. "What's wrong?"

Killua can't explain it, this anger inside him. Anger in being called out as weird and different, since being close to him is so impossible. It showed just how messed up he truly is inside, how far he still has to go, not having even reached the start line.

Of course Gon didn't mean it that way – but the fact still remains… and Killua knows it to be true.

"Sorry," Killua says, confusing Gon further. "I just…" He shakes his head again. He knows what he felt last night, and this…

"It's okay," Gon says, though he's dumbfounded. "I guess I'm just confused. Please tell me what I did wrong…"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Gon." Killua gives a long sigh. "I'm just… I don't know. I really don't know."

They spend the rest of the afternoon bathed in yellow light, reminiscing, but it isn't enough to take Killua's mind off the knowledge that he isn't normal, even with Gon. That even Gon noticed it, and Killua still can't change himself after all this time…

As always, Killua's distempered behavior doesn't affect Gon's usual rollick in the slightest. And Killua finds himself longing, more and more, with every passing minute…

He wants to be close to Gon.

Even if he doesn't deserve it, and it causes him more suffering, like his slip-up the night before… Killua has to admit, just being around Gon has already brought him to where he is: He's able to talk about his family, though however slight; able to feel these new things, bubbling inside him. Things he doesn't understand, things he can't explain… but things he's never felt before, and wants to feel again.

 _Will you ever understand, Gon…?_ Killua can't stop himself from asking as they talk on, the voice becoming increasingly loud in his mind.

 _These feelings that I can't put into words…_

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

A party is held that night on the train as it continues east into the mountains. From the outside it appears to be a bullet of light shooting through the snowy darkness – but inside, an entire other world bursts within: businessmen and women babble vociferously about topics such as commerce and trade. Adorned in sparkling attire, seated around tables clothed in white, reflections dance around the ceiling on silver platters carrying steaming victuals and crystal champagne glasses filled with carbonating liquid.

Every person participates in their fair share of boasting to bolster the aplomb prized by all. Spurred on by the elaborate display, the hum of conversation reaches its zenith, and echoes throughout every part of the train, until around 8 P.M. when the hosts stand and everyone is silenced. Glasses raise as special thanks are doled out, as is demanded by the show. The grand panegyrics allow one waitress to break off from the crowd unnoticed, glancing around as she goes.

She heads toward the back of the train, cloaking herself in Zetsu as she passes through the other passenger cars, toward the private suites. These areas contrast the glimmer of theatricalities left behind: dark and empty. Removing the dagger hidden in the holster on her lower back, she stops at the final car door. Hand at the ready, she prepares to ambush.

Gon and Killua are sitting on a bed when the door's lock ruptures open in a storm of splinters. The waitress leaps and lands on top of Killua on the bed, who crosses himself between her and Gon. Lunging downward, Killua stops the blade shimmering in the yellow light before it drives into his flesh.

"Killua!" Gon gasps out beneath them.

"Urk! Why is she so strong?!" he demands, both arms shaking as the dagger inches ever-closer to his skin. Using both legs, he rolls and sends her flying into their bathroom door. It fractures and hangs crookedly from the impact.

Rooted solidly on the ground, Killua takes a protective stance once again between her and Gon, though Gon is also at the ready. The waitress barely recovers before crouching, business end of her dagger pointed outward as she swells with a Nen that is sickly and dark. She rushes forward and slashes at Killua who bends backward by dropping onto his knees. It's a feint and she uses the time to dart around Killua, the wall as her foothold, to get to Gon. Blade mere centimeters from his face, Gon catches her arm and pulls her forward, chopping her at the elbow to make the weapon fall from her hand – which clatters on the floor – but her high heels twirl on the ground. She flips a full circle around Gon in the air until one foot connects with his cheek, and suddenly both legs are on his shoulders as she pushes off, digging into his trapezii muscles with high heels. Gon cries out in pain and swings one fist behind him but she's too fast. Already out of the way, she's near the exit door again when Killua rushes to corner her.

Gon sees the look in his friend's eye – the constricted pupils and sharpened hands. He screams at Killua, anticipating the blood that will stain the walls. Hearing him, Killua snaps out of it, and hesitates to swipe at her ankle. He misses, so Gon hurls over the stunned Killua with a yell. The waitress ducks just in time as he punches into the train's outermost wall above her head, creating a sizable crater in the polished wood finish. Realizing Gon's brute strength, fear flashes over the waitress' features. She lurches for the dagger, fallen half under Gon's bed, but onto her intention and on all fours, Killua kicks the blade upward so it sticks out of the ceiling. The waitress wastes no time in jumping after it, throwing it down onto Killua's head. He haphazardly crosses his arms over himself and it ricochets off his sharp claws, slicing his arm in the process.

Finally concentrating on his Ren, Killua stabs at their foe's sickly aura in attempt to see if this can be solved through a battle of wills, but it's the same abrading cloud that emanates from his brother. He isn't strong enough to do anything. Illumi's puppet smirks, knowing he can't touch her.

Occupied and still in midair, she doesn't realize until too late that Gon is onto her. The waitress curls into a ball to block his punch, but he sends her flying into the wall near the bathroom again, gasping and dizzy. She struggles to stand when Gon takes her arms, and grunts objectingly as she head-butts Gon in the face. He falls a few steps backward, seeing stars, but keeps his fingers tight around her forearms. Blood is pouring from his nostrils as he drops to the ground, dragging Illumi's puppet with him. With an arm around her neck, and a leg around her abdomen, levered by his other arm and leg, he secures her in a triangle body lock.

The bed sheets are knotted and multiple walls are destroyed in their private suite. Killua stands from where he'd fallen, leaving the dagger in the wooden floor, and squats to inspect the one in Gon's arms. She glares at him in detest until he finds the source of her madness, spotting two small bluish-green needles behind each of her ears. "There." He pulls them out though she tries to turn her face away from his now-normal fingers, and slumps in Gon's arms. Slowly, Gon releases his hold and sets her down gingerly.

He stands, watching her lifeless body as Killua studies the needles between his fingers. "I've never seen these kind of needles before."

Wiping the blood from his nose, Gon asks quietly, "Killua, is she…?"

Clenching the needles in his hand, he looks down at the woman laid out on the floor. Her auburn bun is tattered and in scraggly waves around her head, her formal serving clothes disheveled from the fight, and wrists bruised from Gon's tight hold. But her eyes and jaw are slack, limbs laid loosely at her sides. Overall, she looks peaceful. "Yeah," he says. "At least her body can be preserved for her family now, if she has one."

Gon almost doesn't catch the subtle joy in the glance Killua sends him. He wasn't the direct cause of someone's death this time, thanks to him.

Gon isn't given the time to act on his whim to embrace him, when there's an odd clamping sound up ahead and the train rocks back and forth on the tracks, making their feet unsteady.

 _ **BOOM!**_

On the floor, Gon can hear the sound of metal falling on the tops of the train cars as they speed forward. "Wh-what was that?!"

Sweat condenses on Killua's brow. He can guess, but he doesn't want to believe it. They're the caboose of the train, so if anything happened to one of the cars up ahead…

 _No time to figure it out._

He grabs Gon by the collar of his shirt. "C'mon!"

Gon looks back at the body of the woman they just saved as they sprint forward through the door and into the next car. "What about –?"

"Somebody will find her later!" Killua shouts. "Right now, we have to go!"

Gon can't help looking back, but he forces his eyes ahead.

Darkness and the smell of food envelops them the farther they go, passing train car after train car. When finally they reach the dining section, they realize they haven't been separated from the engine at all.

 _It must have been the engines,_ thinks Killua, glancing around the dining car they'd left not a few hours before, during lunch, when Gon asked him the most peculiar of questions. There's only one other dining car ahead, where the party is taking place, and then the engine, which feels to be attached.

They're gasping for breath, taking in their surroundings when a presence makes itself known.

 _Wh-when did he…?!_

Killua doesn't get to finish the thought. He'd been vigilant enough to notice one of Illumi's Needlemen on the train, a highly advanced one at that. He'd told Gon of their waitress' abnormally suppressed aura earlier that day, when they were strategizing. Her abilities were unlike anything Killua had ever seen from one of Illumi's puppets before – well, aside from himself. They'd stayed in their rooms away from everyone else to take her down, suspecting an attack, hoping to take down the possibility of Illumi finding them in one fell swoop.

Yet here he is.

With the party just a train car away, dazzlingly bright light seeps from the window connecting the two dining cars together and onto the carpet of their own. Killua spins to see his silhouette ensconced in the shadows of a corner booth nearest to the party, sitting placidly with his legs crossed, spidery pale hands on his knees.

"The needle was removed." Illumi's light tone echoes through the train car, offset by the harsh party din.

 _To think he's been here… this whole time…!_ Even with his lack of training the past few months, Killua never thought he wouldn't be attuned enough to sense Illumi's aura – not again, after the Hunter Exam. No matter the time, place, or situation, he should have sensed Illumi's smothering, manipulative, overbearing brotherly affection the moment he stepped onboard.

The Zoldycks hardly used Zetsu – rather, they were typically strong enough to overcome their enemy without the use of Nen. To think Illumi's Nen was _this_ powerful…

Smoothly, Illumi stands and walks closer, towering over both of them despite being more than a booth's distance away. He's wearing something closer to what Killua imagined from the past: a black vest with yellow needles protruding from it, black pants, purple waistband and undershirt. Like always, he's so unassuming aside from the aura that swirls around him like a vicious vortex of snakes, waiting for its time to strike.

Killua grits his teeth. He hadn't prepared himself enough for another face-off this soon. Him and Gon were nowhere near having a strategy good enough to take him down, having mainly discussed the waitress earlier that day.

"I should have known," he hisses, balling his fists, "but you of all people should know sneak attacks won't faze me, Illumi." He tries to stand tall himself, though his arms shake.

"Really?" Illumi asks with a clueless tone, his head cocking to the side. His liquescent black hair moving in one solid motion, flowing like the source of a waterfall, and his eyes flicker against the party's light as he purses pale lips. "Are you sure about that? You're not the assassin you once were, Killu."

Killua isn't sure what he could be talking about. _…It's not like he knows about the nightmares… right…? Or does he?_ Killua's silver-blue eyes are opaque from the reflection of the light of the party. "Y-yeah, I don't kill people at your behest –"

"No, that's not what I meant," Illumi interrupts, deadpan. Killua watches in fear as he lifts one hand, compulsively using Gyo only to find Illumi's aura remaining in a coalesced, sinister swirl around his hand.

"…Th-then what do you mean?" Killua pushes, swallowing the frog in his throat. He's only buying time.

Illumi continues to smile as he whispers the next words. "You've gone soft."

Killua doesn't have a lot of time to question it, when pain flares in his left arm where the dagger sliced him. Though he's able to force it into the back of his mind, where it's slight, Gon catches on to his disquieted aura, and rests a hand on his shoulder to steady him. Killua's heart swells in anxiety.

"A Benz knife, huh?" he spits, refusing to back down as he looks Illumi in the eye. "That won't work on me."

Illumi nods as he lowers his arm, ambivalent once again. "You're right. It won't. But –" His chin turns ever-so-slightly to the side, drawing Killua's attention with it. "– I also know you had only just grown accustomed to poison that potent before you ran away, so you should be a little slower now. A fraction is all it takes to capture you and bring you back."

Gon holds onto Killua's shoulders as he tries to sense his mental state through his aura. Killua's focus is riveted only on his brother, looming between him, Gon, and the party before them. He's trembling.

At the same time, it's as though Killua isn't there at all, fixed upon something in the distance, unseen.

"Bastard," Gon mumbles, glaring at Illumi's towering shadow. He hadn't planned on saying much, as this is between Killua and his brother, and he still doesn't know much about the relationship they had. _Not to mention Killua made me promise not to do anything stupid,_ he internally puffs. Even so, they have to find a way to escape – but the first time had been by Illumi's own accord…

 _Illumi's voice echoes all around him. He isn't sure whether it's an effect of the poison or something else. He can't see anything until his brother's face comes into view, and then he's just standing there, smirking comfortably with a hand on one hip._

" _You still have a long way to go, Killu."_

"You still have a long way to go, Killu," says Illumi in the real world, coming closer.

Killua can vaguely feel the strong hands on his shoulders pulling him back, shaking him awake to the present, but the effect of his brother's silhouette against the light of the door and his memories creates a drug-induced dream… It's all muddling his mind.

"I'll always be one step ahead," says Illumi. _"Until you're able to defeat me, you'll never become the head of the family,"_ says the voice from his past, entrapping him, soothing his rage in its slippery caress. It was the voice that lured him on through the early hours of dawn in its pugnacity, chattering incessantly of methods, of the benefits to society. Killua can't take his eyes off those hands, the hands that used to stroke his body night after night, placing incisions all over his skin wherever they deemed fit.

Occasionally, there'd be a twist of a knob here, or a sharp jerk there. A clang and a puff would make this thing roar to life, the giant contraption that never started and never ended. It huffed and steamed, rotors spinning, water boiling to a peak somewhere behind him as lightning ignited his bones, his body convulsing and screaming. The lab work never ceased for one poor lab rat.

He screamed his lungs out. Until he didn't anymore.

He learned, like a good rat.

Once, he trusted those hands and the work they did, in spite of all the pain he felt. The pain and instincts that screamed at him that _something is wrong!_ were snuffed out by this twisted morality of his, of possession, manipulation, and fear. He'd ignored himself all this time for the sake of those hands – shut himself away as a child – in order to be the perfect test subject.

But he could no longer.

Killua clasps his head, trying to force it out, the endless moans that weren't his own. He can't seem to convince himself well enough – it's etched in his mind, the darkness of those dungeons, the pain that is embedded deep and lurid within him.

"See? What did I tell you?" Illumi says, expression blank. It's as if he expected this. "The Killua I raised would never let such weakness show. But don't worry." Illumi lifts his hand again, this time, his aura bearing down on both of them. "Your big brother is here. A flick of my wrist can fix it. All you need to do is let go of Gon."

 _Let go… of Gon…?_

"All you need to do is let go of Gon," Illumi repeats, standing before them in the party light behind the door and getting closer, "and all your pain will disappear. Killu, no matter how hard you try, you know you'll never be one of them. You're an assassin. You cannot walk in the world of light the way the commoners do, and why should you? You belong with the Zoldycks only. With _me_."

Killua closes his eyes. Memories of painful touches rattle his body, but he…

He recalls the comfort and acceptance that has stared him right in the face from the moment he met Gon. The questions that have followed him since then, about getting closer, about what it could mean, and the consolidation he's felt since Illumi's last assault.

The warmth of Gon's arms, the carefulness of his voice… the gentleness of his touch…

It's unlike anything he'd ever experienced back home – unlike anything he ever knew he could. Water fills his eyes, and he stops stepping backward, effectively halting Gon and Illumi in their tracks.

"You're wrong, Illumi," he says.

Slowly, he glares at his brother.

"You're the one who's scared. I'll never be one of _you_."

Stunned into immobilization by Killua's words, Illumi watches his younger brother ignite in electrified Nen. White light now contends the yellow glow of the party behind him, and Gon doesn't have time to scream out and stop him before he's left Gon's arms. The older Zoldyck's arm outstretches to take hold of him, but Killua is too fast. With his lightning speed, he dodges Illumi's arm to the side, grabbing and redirecting it and Illumi's entire body overhead into the party beyond. Illumi crashes through the train door which shatters loudly, unleashing the noise of the partygoers behind it.

Gon can see the jaggedness in his friend's stance as he glowers at his older brother through the doorway, emitting his godly light – and Gon feels hope in knowing. Though he victory is a small one, it's leaps and bounds from the boy Gon saw just a few days before, covered in blood and cowering in fear on the windless seashore.

They can get through this together.

* * *

 **I swear, every chapter of this story gets harder and harder to write. Three days of grueling work is about the longest it's taken for me to write a chapter, which is this one!**

 **I needed a change of pace, so this chapter was inspired by the train scene in** _ **Spectre**_ **(2015) and the train scenes in** _ **Fullmetal Alchemist**_ **– but I don't want to give away too much! (After rewatching** _ **Brotherhood**_ **for the umpteenth (8th) time, I just had to include my version of a train scene.)**

* * *

 **Thank you to all my anonymous reviewers. HxH3/rhythmecho, that scene… I'm glad it was as chilling to read as it was to write. I can only imagine someone bringing up Killua's past candidly like that good job, Gon! I guess you were right about that waitress, huh~? jMRSK/xtG26, th4n6 y03~ Anonymous, thank you for wishing me luck with school. It has been rather busy. =_= (And yet here I am writing, rip.) I'm glad you see the suffering I go through for each chapter – okay that's a little dramatic, but… it true. And it's definitely the good kind of suffering. *thinks of that one quote in the third Harry Potter movie* ("** _ **You're gonna suffer… but'cha gonna be happy about it."**_ **Yes, Ron. Truer words have never been spoken.)**

 **To the Guest who reviewed chapter 16, omgosh, yeah honestly… I would hope Gon and Killua can someday reach this level of comfortability (and more but hey the story's not over yet) in canon. I doubt that Togashi will show us those aspects of their relationship though, should it ever happen, which is why fanfiction exists! To my other Guests, I hope you've continued to enjoy the new chapters. You all warm my heart greatly. ;~; To hear that I'm doing the characters justice is the biggest compliment of all, as that is half the reason why I write any story. It's such an honor. ;o;**

 **And thank you to my muse, Miry176/CactusRights. ^^**

* * *

 **These last two chapters especially when I've been doubting my ability, getting your reviews cheered me up and on to get this chapter out this month before finals week in December. Truly, you're all god-sent. ;;~;;**

 **I didn't think I'd get a chapter out this month… so huzzah! I hope it was enjoyable and good. Please leave your thoughts below~**


	18. Chapter 18

**~ Chapter 18 ~**

* * *

The partygoers fall like bowling pins as Illumi crashes into them. He lands on the champagne cart, which seeps sparkling yellow liquid in the broken glass all around him, oozing like oily blood. They whisper and gesture, looking between Gon and the two brothers, Illumi at a loss for words at what Killua has just done. Shards of glass have embedded in his pale arms and hands as he stands up, reorienting himself after such a surprising attack, but it's no issue. He's endured far worse than this.

To think, the boy he'd spent raising all those years had this in him…

 _Killua… how much has living away from the family corrupted you? To the point that you'll attack your own brother?_

Illumi can't tear his blank gaze away from the younger Zoldyck: the lightning glowing about him, the Nen swirling around him, the defiance in his eyes… Illumi would have snapped that defiance out of him in a heartbeat had they been in the Zoldyck dungeons – that was his job. Entrusted to him by their parents. Illumi had been given the task of making Killua a perfect assassin, one fit to become the Zoldyck heir… but, unlike the Zoldycks that came before him, Illumi recognized in order to accomplish that goal, something important had to be sacrificed.

 _Illumi's not just going to let us go again,_ Gon thinks, feeling a twinge in his forehead as he watches his foe past Killua and through the doorway. _We have to find a way to distract him –_

Before Gon can get any further in his thoughts, Killua has turned around, picked him up, and is dashing back through the passenger cars away from the party using Godspeed.

"K-Killua?! What are you doing?"

"Illumi's distracted! We have to take the chance and get out of here NOW!"

They arrive in the caboose in a flash, the private car they left only moments before. The waitress lies on her back between their beds. Gon crouches down to lay a sheet over her body as Killua searches the cabinets in their room for something, anything useful for their escape.

"What happened to facing your fears?" Gon prods as he stands back up.

"What happened to us surviving long enough to come up with a strategy?!" Killua retorts, digging through each cabinet until he goes to the closet where their coats remain. "What happened to not charging into a fight unprepared?!" There's a wildness to his actions and words. He's still high from the adrenaline it took to flip Illumi into the next room.

 _He probably can't believe what he's just done,_ Gon reasons, a little humored by the thought. His humor quickly fades as he remembers what they'd spoken about earlier that day.

 _"You already said it yourself."_

Gon swallows uncomfortably as he looks at Killua.

"What?"

Gon pauses a moment, before taking the coat Killua has outstretched to him. "You're right. We need to get out of here." _Making sure Killua is as far away from them as possible… that's most important right now._ In the back of his mind, he starts to devise a plan that will minimize the risk of Killua having to face the Zoldycks ever again.

Back in the party, Illumi notices Killua's vacancy from the doorway. Champagne drips off his arms, and he takes his time brushing off the broken glass.

For four years, he's thought about what would make Killua go back to the Zoldycks and only come up with one solution. Implanting another needle won't do the trick. Especially judging from how quickly Killua detected the needle implanted in Gon, it would be doubly quick if Illumi were to try to put another one in Killua.

Illumi had been trying to make Killua see that his only place was at home, where he's most needed, where his training and abilities have a clear purpose. The outside world will never understand the Zoldyck way. That's how it had been for generations. The way it should be. _Why can't Killua see that?_

Why couldn't he?

…To Illumi, the answer is clear.

 _"Illumi, my dear, we have a surprise for you,"_ cooed his mother's sweet voice in the dark corners of his mind, the voice he had grown accustomed to in the deepest dungeons. He turned from where he sat on the floor and stood, peering up at the bundle in his mother's arms. _"You have another brother,"_ she said. _"His name is Killua."_

Illumi watched as his younger brother twisted in the blanket his mother wrapped around him. Awestruck, Illumi saw Killua blink at him several times in the living room's dim yellow light. His mother chortled. Those innocent, silvery eyes wouldn't leave him, ready to suck up the love and affection every child deserves. From that moment, Illumi already loved those eyes in return – though they screamed betrayal at times through the coming years.

The problem lay not in Killua… but in whoever trained him.

Illumi strides forward, through the partygoers who stare in bafflement. Their mouths are agape, like fish caught on a line. His hair swishes with the grace and beauty his mother passed down to him, footsteps negligible as he moves toward the doorway. Someone makes the mistake of crossing his path; whether out of spite or anxiety, it matters not to Illumi. Killua is getting away – he can sense it.

Illumi thrusts the partygoer aside with a needle to his cranium, causing him to vomit as he chokes on his own insides. A woman shrieks at the noise, but no one else dares move.

He's far past committing himself to self-loathing for Killua's sake. The only thing left is to rectify what he failed to do, and the solution is impossible to miss.

It's Gon that makes Killua think he has a place in the world outside the estate walls.

To Illumi, it matters not what Killua thinks of him – whether he fears Illumi, loves him, or hates him. None of it matters. As long as Killua obeys him, and he succeeds in creating the perfect Zoldyck heir, it doesn't matter. At least that's what he's told himself.

Gon and Killua are on the caboose's balcony, winter wind blistering around them, biting their faces around the fluffy winter coats they don. They're about to jump when Killua senses the aura behind them. "Get down!"

He pushes Gon to the caboose's floor as Illumi swipes at them, having landed on the rooftop. His hands have molded into claws, denting the train rooftop, and he seems to be breathing out smoke as he stands tall, eyes constricted, dark hair swirling around him in the vortex that emanates his aura of smothering, twisted love.

He thought he could create the perfect puppet, tailor Killua to his every whim. He had that faith in himself, and put his entire soul into Killua's creation, not a single thing out of place. In spite of his attempts to remain professional, to not get attached… that creation ended up becoming the most important extension of himself.

"Killua, how could you betray me?"

The words startle him. Killua looks up. The snowflakes in the wind whip his hair around his head. He wonders if he heard wrong, but he sees something he never has before in his older brother's face: anguish.

Anguish?

Throughout it all, his older brother has always been a mask of expressionlessness. Of disdain, of calm nonchalance, or even cold excitement and passion. Hidden behind those endless eyes, Killua learned to fear what he could not see, the empty void of emotions that he could never hope to understand, and never wanted to. He rejected whatever his brother might be behind that mask of lies, afraid of what he might find – for it was similar to the mask he himself wore.

"I gave everything to you! I did everything for you!" Illumi's hair whirls around him above them on the train. He leans forward slightly, hands and arms outspread, slightly, as if in appeasement. The truth is, he cares very much what Killua thinks of him…

But that doesn't excuse everything he's done.

"See you later, Bro," Killua shouts, turning away. Even now, there's a pang in his chest as he leaps from the train with Gon.

Illumi is pushed forward away from them, on the train traveling like a bullet through the desolate, snowy mountains, frozen as he stares after them.

They'll cross paths again, he knows it.

But just how far away from him will Killua be by then…?

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The two Hunters trudge through the snowy mountains following the train tracks for hours without a word. Hugging close to each other for warmth, finally, they reach a place behind the mountain where the harshest of winds are blocked and decide to make camp there to rest. Unable to bring much supplies with them in their rush to get off the train, they have the essentials: thick winter coats and snowshoes. It's enough to survive for a day or two.

There are a few trees on this side of the mountain where the winds are less and the terrain flat, but their branches are weighed down and soaked with snow. There's nothing to cut fresh wood from, even if they had an axe.

"It's still worth a shot," says Killua, indicating toward the fallen tree limbs that Gon dismissed. "I can try to use my electricity to dry it off."

Once they've gathered a respectable number of twigs and pine needles, Killua activates his Nen for as long as he can muster, evaporating the moisture from the materials. Gon watches the electric light dance on his friend's face in the night, once again trying to determine his state of mind. Killua's aura is monotone, withdrawn.

Dawn is hidden from view, due to the grey blizzard covering the sky. By the time there's enough of a spark for Killua crouch down and blow on the billowing smoke that follows, Gon snaps out of his trance and hurriedly blows oxygen into the center of the pile with him. After coughing a bit from the franticness of inhaling and exhaling in a cloud of smoke, their fire bursts to life. The two embrace each other gleefully, the world around them now a little brighter.

They huddle close to the fire and each other, silent as they take in the fact that their path has been thrown off by circumstance yet again.

Eventually, it's warm enough to strip out of their winter coats. The blizzard has died down, leaving only small snowflakes drifting daintily to the ground in the landscape before them. The pseudo-mountain cave they've taken residence in drops off a little way past the trees where they got their firewood, and into a valley filled with grass and pine trees. Thankfully, they're a lot closer to their goal than they thought.

Gon nestles his face in Killua's maroon turtleneck, bringing his arms around Killua's shoulders and closing his eyes. Killua wraps his arms around Gon in return, but he only stares at the fire. Gon senses this – Killua's aura swishes back and forth like an eel before prey.

"Killua…?" He lifts his head to look into Killua's eyes.

"I've never seen Illumi like that," he mumbles, not removing his gaze from their fire.

Gon doesn't know what to say, so he watches the fire with Killua as he holds him, the landscape beyond brightening with what must be the sun behind all those clouds. Suddenly, there's a lull in Killua's restless aura, and when Gon turns his head, he sees tears making streaks in the light frost melting on Killua's flushed cheeks.

The ex-assassin shivers against the cold before quickly wiping his face, reaching through Gon's arms. His sobs shudder his entire body, and he's clutching onto Gon's shirt with his other hand.

This only solidifies the resolve in Gon's heart, hard as coal. This is the fifth time that Killua has cried in his arms without words, without a clear cause. Calm and collected Killua, who was strong in the face of the Chimera Ants, who understood their position in the mission to defeat the Chimera Ant King better than Gon ever could. Killua, who analyzed their situation and found the best tactical solution to winning Razor's dodgeball game on Greed Island, who came up with the best plan to defeat the Genthru and the Bombers.

Whatever is going on inside Killua's mind now, Gon understands more and more that he will never be able to fully comprehend it. He'll try his best, and be there for Killua as much as he can, but more than anything he wants to make sure Killua never has to face Illumi or the Zoldyck Family ever again. He's already decided it.

Before Gon had rashly announced he'd defeat Illumi on his own though, he still hadn't been able to get Killua to talk about what they did to him…

Now isn't the time to ask.

"It's okay," Gon whispers. "You're here with me now. You're safe…" He pulls Killua closer to rub his back and shoulders through his thick winter clothes.

"Sorry," Killua mutters, a hand over his eyes but not resisting Gon's pull. Then he frantically wipes the tears from his face, which feels raw from the salt staining his cheeks in the cold. He's embarrassed at having broken down in front of Gon like that _again_ , especially since he can't explain the feelings inside him that cause this to happen so frequently. He's unable to pinpoint this pain to a specific moment in time or a singular feeling, as if it's just something that pervades his entire existence.

"Don't apologize," Gon says. His hands grip Killua's shoulders firmly, near his neck, and Killua's face whips up to him from the chill it sends down his spine. Gon's face is nothing but concern and sympathy. He doesn't seem angry or annoyed in the slightest, seeing Killua's tears.

Killua looks away, trying to understand Gon's reaction. If his family ever saw him like this…

He doesn't finish the thought. Gon's fingers are rubbing the base of his neck, through his turtleneck, and Killua finds himself getting lost in it. He's too mentally tired to protest, and it _is_ helping his body relax after all that crying…

Gon's fingers reach up and press against his skin at the base of his hairline, where sensitive hairs like whiskers cause his entire body to shiver, and Killua finds himself purring. Seeing Killua's reaction, Gon hands greedily venture into Killua's fluffy hair, and he gently tugs on clumps of it. They're sitting on their coats in a sheltered overcropping of the mountain, before the fire. It helps trap warmth around them. Killua leans forward a little as he curves his spine toward Gon, trying not to breath too loudly.

Gon can tell from Killua's posture that he's enjoying this, and he swells. A kind of confidence takes over and he leans in closer to Killua's body, their cheeks pressed together as he grabs Killua's hair, arms encompassing Killua's entire upper body. Killua is startled by Gon's lips against his cheek, and his face heats, but soon Gon's hands are crawling beneath his shirt, which is even more worrisome. He's not sure how to feel until Gon's fingers are gripping his skin from the bottom of his shirt, passing over the ragged scar on his upper back, pulling each other closer. Killua is again curling to Gon's every move, breathing in large gasps, trepidation aside, something tender and hungry about it, when Gon jumps back.

Killua is dazed, and looks at him questioningly.

Gon is avoidant, apologetic. He feels that same heat in his gut. "Ah – I'm sorry, that was –" He's pressing his legs together uncomfortably, praying Killua won't find out.

Killua takes a good look at him. He knows he's hiding something, and before Gon can seclude himself more, Killua takes him around the shoulder and pulls him close again.

"H-hey, Killua…"

Killua isn't sure the exact reason why Gon stopped, but he wants to feel him close again – and even closer.

"I-I'm serious," Gon stammers, stiff but not pulling away. "I don't think we should –"

Killua's deft, slender fingertips clutch Gon's sides, which already has him feeling like puddy in Killua's hands. He massages Gon's lower back, neck, and scalp, and Gon rapidly falls into the same rhythm.

"Haah, that feels so nice," Gon coos happily, giving in as he lovingly snuggles closer to his best friend. The pale-skinned boy can hardly contain his smile at the feeling in his chest making him seem like he's going to explode. Killua continues massaging Gon's head until his dark hair is messy, unable to be styled upward. And then, sighing, they hug each other, falling asleep by their fire.

Gon's _problem_ faded, since the attention had been taken away from Killua, but how long can he keep this up? Surely Killua hadn't noticed, right…?

They awake sometime midday and stomp out the last of the embers. The allure of finding food in the valley down below urges them on, but a sweeping danger looms over them. Their sensual encounter last night covers Gon like a heavy umbrella. He doesn't know if Killua felt the same thing he had…

They find berries and nuts to snack on after descending the mountain and sit on a log to rest as they eat. Gon takes the opportunity to ask what's been on his mind. "Killua, will you tell me more about Illumi?"

Killua knew this was coming. Gon won't let him avoid it after having the same reaction _twice_ in the last few days. "Illumi is…" He trails off, not sure where to start.

The painful touches that he convinced himself were loving caresses?

The fear that urged him to obey his older brother, lest he be subjected to worse later on?

The smothering love and affection that kept him a slave to the Zoldycks' every call, having been cut off from the rest of the world…?

And then… the anguish in his brother's face, as if he'd been forced to abandon everything, all the intimidation and physical control…

Now that he thinks about it, _why did_ Illumi put the needle in his head? _Just_ to make him forget about Alluka…?

The past exhumes from his mind, thrashing with all its might in attempt to escape in another eruption of tears… but Killua's too exhausted for it at this moment. He can't bring himself to face it. Not yet.

"I'll tell you later."

Gon frowns as he looks at him. "Will you?"

He shrugs the large shoulders of his dark brown parka. "It'll come up again whether I want it to or not…"

Gon picks up on the fatigue in his voice, on the lines in his face. So he scoots closer, placing an arm around Killua's shoulders. Killua does the same, and rests his head against Gon's shoulder. They take in the half-grassy, half-snowy, misty terrain before them, populated by towering pine trees. It's quite a beautiful sight, but also daunting – they can't see too far ahead in the mist.

"We'll get there someday," Killua murmurs against him.

Gon looks over in question. "Where?"

"To Greed Island," Killua answers, his voice melodious in a way. He looks at Gon, a kind of longing in his face that Gon doesn't quite grasp.

After a moment, Killua stands, putting his hands in his coat pockets. "Let's keep going."

Feeling a certain loss from no longer having Killua against him, Gon moves to get up when he sees Killua's hand in front of him. He smiles subtly and takes it.

They'd get there. Someday…

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 _In the living room of the Zoldyck Manor, Illumi stroked Killua's white fluffy hair. The young boy was battered and bruised after a long day of training, but right now he was peaceful as he slept at Illumi's side, clutching him tightly. "Killu…" Illumi spoke softly, relishing this moment. "You'll be the most perfect assassin to ever live, one that will surpass even our parents. I promise…"_

Illumi remains on the top of the train for hours after Gon and Killua have disappeared into the snow rushing past. It isn't until someone peeps their head through the an opened panel in the caboose rooftop that he's brought back to life.

"H-hey! Hey, you –!" says an authoritative voice.

He'd sensed the commotion in the train car below him, so he knows the dead body of the woman he used to attack Gon and Killua had been found, but hasn't been able to bring himself to move from his spot until now.

…He shouldn't allow any witnesses, he knows, but there's no meaning now. What's the point if it has nothing to do with his mission, which is getting Killua back home?

"Oh… oops."

The train master's limp corpse dangles at the end of his arm, the neck snapped and bloody from Illumi's grip alone. He drops it back into the caboose where Gon and Killua had been staying with a careless _thump_ , discarding the trash. The others in the car below him gasp.

 _Anyway…_

He walks serenely toward the engine. The wind and snow have calmed down a bit, so traversing the rooftops of the train cars isn't quite as treacherous now as it was before. Voices below rush to intercept him, but in the blink of an eye he's at the engine, and gets to work finishing the job he started.

He hadn't been on the train when it left the station, but all it took was intel from one of the many Needlemen he planted in the various trains traveling east, and then he found the perfect spot to hop on – a place where the train naturally slowed down to make a sharp turn in the mountains.

"Hey, you! Stop right there!"

The conductor pulls a gun on him but is silenced by a lazy wave of Illumi's arm that brings him under Illumi's control.

"Full speed ahead," the eldest Zoldyck commands his new puppet. "Take the next right onto the unstable track, and go off the edge."

"Yes, sir," obeys the deranged voice of the conductor. Anyone who comes up behind them with the intent to attack Illumi is killed, or he sticks a needle in them and allows them to fight his battles for him.

As the train speeds on, he's still shocked by the amount of emotion that overwhelmed him before Killua disappeared. He'd never allowed those feelings to overtake him before…

 _I'll get you back._ He'd get back the only reason he had for existence. _You're destined to be an assassin, Killu. I won't let you down._ Killua was destined to be the best assassin who ever lived, and Illumi's destiny was to be his gracious puppeteer.

It's what he was made for.

* * *

 **This is the first time in a long time I was able to write a chapter smoothly and without interruption! I had full intention to write this chapter last month, but I also wrote a fic for the HxH Gift Exchange on Tumblr called _Weight_ (please check it out!), and then, well, it being the holidays and all… *sweats* BUT I've actually had this chapter planned for a long time. I just didn't know how exactly I was going to make it happen, since my original concept was too vague to execute. However, I've been watching a lot of film analyses lately, and something I kinda forgot that totally rings true is that a hero is only as good as their villain. So, I hope Illumi's inner turmoil came out good, if a little confusing (for now)!**

 **Thank you so much to everyone who has continued to follow and read this story. This is the longest I've ever written a fanfiction without going on hiatus or deleting it. I fully intend to finish this fic, and (finally) there seems to be something like a climax in sight. I hope it doesn't drawl along the way, and once again I am so appreciative of your patience and passion for this story. It keeps me goin'! ;v; Also, I edited the previous chapter somewhat extensively, which is a reason this one operates on a slightly different vein.**

 **Please don't forget to leave your thoughts below~**


	19. Chapter 19

**~ Chapter 19 ~**

* * *

They arrive in a town aghast with a heaviness in the air; the buildings are tall and magnanimous, regular and of stately color, as if from a catalogue. The people seem trapped in their own little lives, buzzing around like fleas as they whisper amongst themselves, glancing at the Hunters. Still bundled in thick winter coats from their trek through the mountains, Gon and Killua stop at a newspaper vender outside a restaurant where a group of people have gathered.

"They said it was full of passengers," one says.

"And no one knows who the perpetrator was," adds another, nodding.

"That's terrible…"

Gon picks up a newspaper to look at the front page with Killua at his shoulder, and it takes a moment for it to set in. The sight of a steam-powered engine flipped on its side, smoking in a bog accompanied by the headline "HIGH-SPEED PASSENGER TRAIN ATTACKED," makes it clear what happened.

"Illumi, that bastard," Gon mutters under his breath as he clenches one fist. But Killua stays silent, ogling the paper in horror. The hand he's using hold it starts to shake.

Gon's head flips over to see his friend's face, his dilated pupils and constricted breath. "I-Illumi's just trying to get to us," Gon attempts, taking the newspaper with his other hand so he can place the one closest to Killua on his shoulder.

"It's our fault…"

Gon tugs the paper to get it away from him, but Killua's grip is tight. "Killua –"

"We put all those people in harm's way…" Killua's hand is now crumpling the paper.

"No, it isn't our fault. Killua. Killua, listen to me."

The other boy looks at him as if he's lost his mind, fear and disgust in his eyes and knit brows. "Gon, we can't keep this up if people are going to continue to get hurt in the process!"

"I agree, but we'll be more careful this time. We can't…" Seeing his fear transform into guilt as Killua looks back at the printed black-and-white train wreck, Gon feels a lump in his throat. "You can't… You aren't actually thinking of turning yourself in?!"

Killua says nothing, relaxed enough now that Gon can tear the newspaper away from him. He tosses it back onto the vender, and takes Killua's shoulders into his hands, trying not to grip too hard – though his tan fingers make dents in Killua's dark brown parka.

"Killua, you can't let Illumi get to you. We can take him on together, remember? We have to." The lump in his throat jumps down to his gut at the statement, knowing what he himself is planning: to take Illumi on alone so Killua doesn't have to. "We can't let him win this. We'll do it together –"

"He's going to continue to sacrifice innocent people until he gets to me!" Killua yells, causing the group of people close to them to glance sideways. _Like when he chased Alluka and I across the continent,_ Killua thinks, ignoring the people eavesdropping on their the civilians Illumi sacrificed to become Needlemen those few weeks… Killua had turned a blind eye, Alluka's safety being more important at that time, hoping the Hunter Association would be able to take care of it. He just let it happen.

"It isn't your fault he's killing them!" Gon shouts back, seeing the conflicted guilt and fear in his friend's eyes as he switches between the wreckage and the words on the page. "I don't blame you at all, Killua. It's his doing!"

"But I blame myself," Killua snaps. He turns toward Gon, white bangs shading his face.

Gon takes a breath. It's a surprise, Killua being so direct and forceful like that. _He hardly ever acknowledges his own feelings,_ Gon realizes, once again.

"We can't just let him continue to kill people on my behalf," Killua continues, his voice cracking as his stoicism breaks.

"And we won't," Gon affirms. "But we can't just give in to his threats, okay? There's got to be another way."

"Mmh."

"Killua."

Those silver-blue eyes shift back to him, finally a sense of cogency in his steady gaze. "Fine. I got it. But we have to come up with a plan."

Gon sighs in relief, that lump in his gut biting him again for lying so thoroughly. "Okay. We will. Don't worry. Now let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

He tries to keep an arm around Killua's shoulders as he guides him into the restaurant, but this strikes a chord.

"Gon…"

"What? Oh."

He sees Killua's eye-roll and quickly swipes his arm off his shoulders, embarrassed. Gon probes Killua's face in apology, but Killua just brushes past him into the restaurant with a scoff.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Blood-red walls would seem oppressive to any soul who traversed the Zoldyck corridors, but not to Illumi. He'd grown up in these walls, been trained in them. This is all he'd ever known. One day, it was all going to belong to Killua. Now that that isn't a certainty, the Zoldyck Manor is a place rife with chaotic energy and broken dreams.

The eldest Zoldyck child saunters swiftly past the red living room and down the stairs, into the maze of dungeons below the estate. Passing the cold bricks damp with mildew, it isn't long before that he comes upon the black iron doors of his father's lair. They bust open with a creak.

"Illu. You said you've made progress with Killua?"

Illumi steps inside upon hearing his father's voice. "I found him," he declares with a touch of pride. "I don't know where Alluka is at this time, but I know where Killua is headed, and that Gon is with him."

"Hm." Silva brings a massive hand to his chin, like one of those ancient sculptures of white marble and stone.

 _Father looks weary,_ Illumi notes. As powerful as he is, Silva has been in a state of senescence the last few years: There's now a thinness at the roots of his white mane, a fatigue lining his slit blue eyes, and a certain pensive nature that wasn't there before.

"I'm sure you understand what's at stake," Silva voices dully.

For the last four years, they'd had nothing else to cling to except Killua's inevitable return. No one knew what to do about his rebelliousness anymore, so they all continued on as if he would come back home. But there was a certain unmentionable quality about Killua's absence now, after he left with Alluka… and the Zoldycks would do anything to save themselves from the feeling their entire lives were meaningless – well, except Milluki, whose life had always been meaningless.

"We'll get him back," Illumi answers without pause. "You can count on it."

"That isn't what I mean, Illu." Those stony blue eyes bore into Illumi as the man sits up from his hunkered position. Big enough to be a beast, the current heir of the Zoldyck Family is ready to snuff out any weakness he senses in his eldest son upon revelation. Thankfully, Illumi has already mastered his own impregnable gaze, just like his father.

Illumi knows what Silva means to say – he needs some assurance that this isn't just another wild goose chase, another futile attempt to bring Killua back home. The many that had transpired across the last decade – convincing Killua that his only place was in the family, letting him be on his own, the needle – none of it worked. After so many failures, they're at the end of their rope. Mistakes are not an option.

Illumi hadn't done anything while Killua was adventuring on his own with Gon was because of his father's command not to. And now, the Zoldycks have no choice but to turn to Illumi in their desperation, as he knows Killua best.

"This won't be another failed attempt like last time, will it? I _will not_ tolerate it."

"Father," Illumi nearly cuts him off. This startles Silva, whose Nen flickers with irritation, and newfound confidence in his eldest son. "No one knows how Killua's mind works better than I do. You gave him to me to care for, and I'm the one who raised him."

Illumi smiles, something creepy about the way it twisted his seamless, pale face. There's a deep devotion about his son that frightens even Silva, similar to his wife – but in this instance… Silva feels nothing but reassurance in his son's ability to get their shining hope for the future home.

"Killua will be back," Illumi professes. "You can count on that."

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Silver-blue eyes hover over the people that pass by the window on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. Fluffy white hair hangs on the edges of his vision, a bit too long now, chin in one hand. The last time Killua did this – observed the people in the outside world, knowing they would never understand what it was like to be an outsider – he'd been up in a tree, across from a small village. He used to do this often: find some lofty place after a mission, looking down at all the people who hurried like worker bees below. He would try to imagine what it was like to live unaware of the pain life had in store. Sometimes, he'd imagine himself as the son of some other parents, who held the hands of their child as they swung in midair, smiling and giggling delightfully. He would be lying if he said he didn't envy them – but that was just a fever dream, a life he didn't understand, and never would. Try as he might, he couldn't go back and change his past. So he didn't try to, and committed himself to his art. Killua wasn't sure he even would if he had the chance.

He'd be an entirely different person if not for the training he's endured, to the point that he can't imagine living without it – even if that meant living without the pain that came with it.

A few weeks ago, after watching the people in the village in that tree, he'd awoken. In pain. On-edge. He'd let it out by the riverside a little ways away before returning to Gon, pretending everything was fine. Everything that had happened after that felt like a dream – or a nightmare. He can't decide which. The blood on his hands, Gon's warm and earnest voice, Illumi's dark approach, Killua's own tacit emotions that made him feel as though he might burst…

He can't comprehend it all – especially the atavistic sense that none of it belongs to him.

He isn't normal, never has been, so why does Gon make him feel… he could be one day? Is that even what Killua wants…?

Sitting back against the booth, Killua inhales deeply through his nostrils. The soft touches and soothing tones… Killua forces it from his mind.

Upon Gon's return from the bathroom, Killua stretches the arms of his maroon sweater out in front of him, straightening his spine. "I can't believe we lost all the clothes we bought the other day."

"Me neither." Gon sits down across from Killua, leaning forward to look into his face. "Are you okay?"

"Hm? Yeah." Killua nods, looking out the window again. He really is. Talking with Gon over linner had been enough to calm his nerves from earlier. He no longer wants to consider the possibility of letting Illumi have him, even if it's at the expense of others' lives, putting them in danger. He's still selfish that way.

It's starting to get loud and crowded in the restaurant with dinnertime around the corner, and they've already paid the check, so there's no point in staying. Killua finds himself dawdling anyway, and Gon senses his reluctance to leave.

"Gon," he says finally.

"Yes?" For some reason Gon finds his heart beating in his throat. Killua doesn't normally address him so formally, unless he has something he's itching to say.

"I hope you know how much I appreciate everything you've done."

Gon's about to dismiss what he considers common courtesy, but Killua smiles at him in such a peculiar way. His eyes are not concealing the pain or self-blame Gon has seen in his expression when he's thanked him before. No, those eyes are like mirrors – vessels waiting to be filled with love. He doesn't understand. Then there's a faint heat on his hand, and Gon hardly believes what's happening as he glances down, too bashful and insecure to blow this up as the confirmation he's been looking for but too flustered to be able to just brush it aside. Killua's hand is quickly gone though, and then he's waiting with his parka at the restaurant door.

Heart in a mess trying to make sense of this, Gon takes a moment before going to stand next to him.

"Let's go," says Killua, though from Gon he's getting a blank stare.

"Ah. Right."

They walk through the town to find a lodging, Killua not noticing Gon's internal war as he's oblivious to the world around them.

"Here's your key."

"Thanks," Gon says, taking it from the receptionist as he watches Killua head toward the elevator. The ride up is silent as Gon labors to translate what he wants to say, or do, in words.

When they get to the room it's already late, and they're exhausted from slogging through the mountains and the misty fields of grass and pine trees. The shower sounds next to him and without his beetle phone to keep him occupied, Gon can't even pretend to put his mind on something else. He stares out their hotel window, listening to the world bustle in the city's distance, until he hears the water in the bathroom turn off. The last of the water droplets fall onto the tile floor, and the door shudders open. Torn back-and-forth, he finally makes up his mind.

Killua steps out of the bathroom, drying himself off, and hardly acknowledges Gon's stare as he climbs into bed beside him, adjusting his wet hair. Both in a white T-shirt and black shorts – that they bought from the giftshop – Gon finally looks over at him. About to ask, _"What is it?"_ Killua opens his mouth. The words have already left Gon's lips.

"Killua, I love you."

He stills. A hand was reaching to playfully nick Gon's shoulder. Now Killua can't move a muscle.

Gon's focus never wavers as he repeats it, softer and less nervous this time. "I love you, Killua."

The pale boy can hardly stand to look at Gon's face – the earnest in his amber eyes, the horrified but relieved expectancy of an answer. All Killua can do is bumble in reply. "I-I heard you the first time…" He wants to laugh it off, say, _"Cut it out!"_ like always, but that's not possible. It's staring him right in the face, Gon's sincerity – countenance tender but anxious in the fading light.

He'd finally said it, the thing that's been nagging him to stay at Killua's side.

Now, no matter the reaction, he doesn't have to keep it hidden anymore.

"Wh…"

Gon holds his breath, lips pressed together, hardly able to remain present. Their distance seems to increase as Killua stares at him, at a loss for words, knowing all the things he could say back, but not knowing what he should.

He's never been faced with such a proposition before. Not in this way, at least – "love" was expected, authoritative, a reason to enslave, abuse, and torture. Not that the Zoldycks called it those things, of course. His vocabulary to describe their "love" had been "annoyance," "irritation," and "difficulty." It wasn't until recently, hearing and seeing the world alongside his friend, experiencing the world, and going on adventures with Gon that Killua gave credence to claims of abuse…

He knows it should be so easy to say it in return, but the dissonance from his past has stained the idea of "love" forever in his mind; as something always entailing self-sacrifice and pain, emotional and physical torture.

He knows his definition isn't right, but it's the only one he has.

And yet…

"It was that easy all along, wasn't it…?"

Illumi's words echo through Gon's mind as tears begin to fall from his friend's eyes, endeavoring to remain focused. _"You'll never understand our world. You know nothing about him."_ Gon blinks once, leaning back ever so slightly to take in his friend's words and body language, trying to decipher what it could all mean – but there are already arms around him, hugging Gon close to his body.

" _Of course_ I love you too."

Gon's thinks he might just die, hearing what he never thought he could. Tears immediately spring forth in his eyes and he's sobbing into Killua's neck as well, trying to control himself.

Killua shudders against Gon, with Gon's sobs being audible gasps of breath as he clings to Killua. He feels as though he's letting go of a weight he's been lifting ever since he was born.

Gon's face is so close, and as Killua rubs his back and shoulders to calm him down, Gon presses his lips into Killua's jawline. The pale boy jolts but giggles in delight.

"Sorry it took me so long to say it," Killua mutters, Gon's sobs having quieted down enough.

"No, Killua." Gon leans back just a little, not wanting to break their embrace. "Don't apologize for something like that. Please, please, don't." His lips press together as he smiles, showing he's suppressing more tears. Frantically, Killua answers, "Okay, okay, I won't! But only if you promise you'll stop crying first!"

More tears run down his tan cheeks as Gon squints, grinning widely. They chuckle together.

"Tears of joy are better," Killua says in a small voice, eyes averting in embarrassment.

Their faces are so close that Gon can't resist it, especially seeing Killua's adorably bemused expression. He dips forward, pressing his lips against Killua's.

"What the hell was _that_?!" Killua nearly screams, eyes flashing over to Gon's closed eyelids right as he breaks away. _He's a total mess,_ Gon thinks: Face red and arms shaking, though small the gesture was. That fact makes his chest swell.

"Wh-what do you mean…?" Gon questions cutely, smiling cluelessly.

"Don't play dumb with me!" Killua screeches, almost angrily – but mostly too disheveled to form a coherent thought.

Gon can see how lost he is and starts bellowing laughter, when Killua shoves him back, shaking the bed. Trying to get a grip on Gon's shoulders to shake some sense into him, Gon bars Killua with both legs, still chortling uncontrollably from how hysterical his friend is. Eventually Gon sits up again and grabs Killua by the shoulders. They tussle on the bed for a moment, smiles and laughter on their breath as they endeavor to pin the other down. Killua almost always won this game, given his strength and training – but tonight there's a sloppiness to his movements, which gives Gon the upper hand.

"Hah! I win!" he exclaims. Gon's hands are on Killua's shoulders, straddling either side of him. Upon seeing how Killua is staring up at him so strangely – similar to a few days before when they were on the train – the rambunctious islander boy swallows his pride to investigate his friend's face. He can't tell if it's fear or excitement in the ex-assassin's eyes.

"Killua…?"

Killua is frozen beneath his arms, unable to breathe – and he isn't sure either – whether it's Illumi's silhouette that he sees against the shadowed outline of the room – or his best friend that he hopes to claim as his own.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

He hadn't spoken with Father since before he left, a few months ago.

He stayed in the snowy branches of the mountain pines all night to watch the people come, uncover the damage he'd wrought on the train and everyone inside. The way they'd busied themselves with the process of it all – the condition of the bodies and the trajectory of the crash, waving it off as an accident for the preservation of their own peace of mind – it amused him. What they hadn't revealed in the newspapers was how many of the victims had had slashed throats, their blood staining white snow, signs of struggling apparent from the position of their bodies, many feet from the crash. They didn't want to admit it was an act of terrorism that they couldn't contain – only one that would incite fear and violent retribution in the public masses.

What they didn't know was that this wasn't the work of any nation, acting for political gains, but an assassin from the Zoldyck Family, hellbent on getting his little brother home.

The next day, Illumi saunters through the streets of the nearby town. Wandering in plain sight, he can feel the foul aura of the townspeople, searching, searching for the perpetrator of such a heinous crime, failing to see him right before their eyes.

 _They're all so pitiful, caught in their insignificance lives._ Only the Zoldycks have the ability and the burden to see the world from this point of view, one that values societal conservation but understands the insignificance of individuals and individual societies at once. How Killua could want to mix himself up in their empty dreams… it makes no sense. Illumi has to make him see where his place truly is: not with Gon, but with the family, to one day raise an heir of his own.

As Illumi enters a building, the receptionist greets him and asks if he would like to stay the night. He ignores her calls after him as he strolls to the elevator and closes the doors, activating Zetsu so his targets won't know he's coming. Plucking a few needles from the purple vest around his shoulders, he ponders the yellow pinheads, where he can see his own reflection: the dark eyes and slick black hair, coulee shoulders. Quickly, he snatches the needles in his palm as he looks to the closed metallic doors.

 _Don't worry, Killu… I'll get you home. I'll make you understand your rightful place is at the Zoldyck Estate._

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua's legs press together as he sits upright on the bed, pushing Gon off him, who waits patiently for his response. Hand to his forehead, images and calculations surge through Killua's mind as he tries to make sense of the outline he saw moments ago. Where exactly did it come from?

He realizes the sensation is what he felt a week ago, right before their airship crashed on the beach – and his heightened senses pick out the _ding!_ of an elevator door opening on their hotel level. Horrified, he removes his hand from his head to look at Gon.

"Illumi is here."

* * *

 **And so, finally, finally, finally, there is a declaration of feelings from the boys who have hidden it for the better part of six years. That sure takes some gumption, doesn't it? This chapter just about marks the end of "season 2" of TIDU! Season 3 will have things getting…** _ **spicier**_ **in every way. ;) (Don't quote me on this; I pretty much write this story as it goes.) Despite having taken 19 chapters to get to it, I deliberated on writing the second half of this chapter. After pondering it over for a week, I realized this is the only way the story can really progress given everything else I have in store… et** **voilà! (I know I just said I don't plan anything and that's the truth, but I also do plan some things. I shan't go into the details here, but if you wanna hear abt my confusing writing process hmu, haha.)**

 **Anonymous reviewers – oh my faithful anonymous reviewers, you've all been so wonderful. ;v; Thank you so much for your compliments on the settings' ambiences, the interactions _between_ our two boys, and Illumi's characterization. Especially your compliments on the waitress fight! That's what took up the bulk of my time writing chapter 17 honestly, so I'm delighted to hear it turned out! ^3^**

 **As flowerjoy1212 aptly pointed out** **, "Even though I think it's important for [Gon and Killua] to realize that they share the same 'unknown' feelings, it's a bit dangerous right now with Illumi desperate to take back Killua." Strap in, because the upcoming chapters are gonna be a Wild Ride™.**

 **Thank you so much for your support. I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well, and will leave your thoughts below~ ^^**


	20. Chapter 20

**~ Chapter 20 ~**

* * *

The incipient cloud of Zetsu enshrouds them both, sitting on the bed, but it's far too late for that. Gon is about to tell Killua "it's going to be okay," when the door opens. There isn't enough time to activate Godspeed, given Killua's state of mind and Illumi's swiftness. His arms shield Gon from whatever is coming, but Illumi halts in the doorway, taking in the scene to blast an aura of deep jealousy at Gon.

" _Killu_ …"

The voice is a snarl, but Killua knows it isn't rage directed at him. _What…?_

From the elevator, Illumi caught them horsing around in bed: Gon on top of him, Killua not fighting back. To find Killua vulnerable with this childish brute… It was unforgivable. Just how far has he fallen from his training days?

Illumi's aura darkens. His fingers clench, hair raising from the energy surging around him. Gon intakes sharply, receiving the brunt of the murderous aura due to his lack of protective Ten. But his body's heart-stopping immobility is mostly due to fear. Illumi has always been known as the violently overprotective but outwardly placid older brother to Gon. Of course, Illumi's relationship with Killua made him different, but having Illumi's bloodlust sent at him – and not in a patronizingly playful way, unlike with Hisoka… it was enough to freeze anyone icy-cold.

"Bro, fuck off!" Killua yells in front of him, warding off as much of the aura as he can, his own Ten forming a half-sphere around Gon. "Me running away isn't entirely Gon's fault! You don't control me anymore!"

Illumi cocks his head, ever so slightly. "Control… you…?"

"Yeah! Like how you implanted a needle in my head, and constantly made it impossible for me to venture into the outside world! You only wanted me at home, letting you…" He bites his lip, containing himself in the face of his greatest fear. Now isn't the time for a breakdown, and he can't, knowing how Illumi would react. _He hates self-pitying tears more than the screaming._ "You only wanted to control me – you didn't care about what I wanted – none of you do!" His teeth grit, remembering the words his father gave him the day he left with Gon. _"Live as you please. If you get tired, you can come home. You're free now. But… Promise me one thing. Never betray your friends. Understand?"_ The promise he'd made to his father, only because it was preluded by the anticipation of being unable to live on his own – with people other than the family. It made his blood boil.

"Killu, I was only doing what was best for you. All of us were. But that –" He raises an arm to point a tense finger at Gon, spitting out his next words. "– boy came and ruined everything."

"No, he didn't! You did that yourselves!"

Cloaked in Killua's Nen, Gon can feel its property morphing. Before, it was light and on-guard, defensive, but now his aura has become thick and twisted with antagonism, verging on the intent of bloodlust – not too different from the aura Killua hopes to shield him from. Gon can feel its sharp edges poking at his sides, just like on the beach, when he watched his best friend brutally murder all those people.

"Killua." Gon says it quietly, chidingly, afraid, with a touch of reprobation. Right in his ear, Killua gets the message. Taking a few deep breaths through his nostrils, his body calms and vision becomes one again – but Illumi isn't willing to back down, not even in this situation.

"I didn't want to believe it," Illumi says. "I didn't want to believe someone from the outside could turn you into what you are today, because I thought you were stronger than that. I _made_ you stronger than that –"

"You didn't make me strong!" Killua snaps. "You kept me weak, so I would return to you! Over and over and over again, no matter how many times I tried to escape –!"

"I won't hear this." Illumi reaches out a clawed hand, the one he always used when he'd had enough of Killua's immaturity, his rebellious persona, and sought to snap him back into place. A thousand scenes where that claw came into use blaze like snapshots of a still-museum through Killua's mind. Instinctively, his body freezes, knowing if he refuses to obey the punishment will only be much worse.

Gon doesn't catch it in time, Killua's reason for not fighting back. "Killua? Killua?!" It's as if he's hypnotized by the hand approaching in slow-motion toward his head, and Gon doesn't understand why Killua's gone entirely still in fear, his aura even having let up a little on protecting Gon. He's focused entirely on that hand, mouth agape, snowy brows conflicted.

Amber eyes flashing to Illumi's side, Gon sees the needles he's holding there, pointed outward and ready to strike. He's been concealing them all this time, and is no doubt waiting for the right moment.

 _I can't let this happen._

The hand is getting closer to Killua's head, just a few inches away now.

 _There's no way._

A spark ignites in his bones, setting him aflame.

 _Killua._

In one callisthenic motion, Gon swipes Illumi away from Killua. He grazes Illumi's vest, which tears in the direction of his punch, enforced by Ren. The assassin "tsk"s, throwing his needles at them in attempt to get them anyway. Gon's moment of Nen is up, leaving them almost completely defenseless, and his heart pounds seeing the needles coming straight for his head. All of this has snapped Killua out of his trance, and he grabs the needles in midair before they reach Gon, using his lightning speed – just in case, as his normal reflexes would have made it in time.

Lightning dances around Killua's arm and closed fist, holding the needles where he caught them in front of Gon's forehead. Gon stands up again as Killua slowly turns his sapphire gaze to glare at Illumi, now hanging on the wall in the corner of the room. His little brother's bloodlust is the least of Illumi's worries; had he not jumped out of the way and Gon's punch reached him, he very well could have been obliterated; the tattered pieces of his purple vest lay black and singed on the ground beneath him, and Gon hadn't even touched his clothes: only Gon's aura had.

Killua throws Illumi's needles on the ground and stands beside Gon, waiting for his next move, no longer wanting to play around. Despite Gon's warning to not become too wrapped in bloodlust, Killua isn't going to back down. Not after Illumi tried to pull a fast one with Gon as his target. Killua revs up his aura tenfold, ready to face Illumi head-on, though Gon spins toward him in surprise and aghast.

He can see it in Gon's eyes: _"No, Killua! We can't take Illumi on now! We don't have a plan! There's no way we can –"_

Killua's deadly focus closes in on Illumi, who's now smirking in the corner. _I'm sorry, Gon. I'm not listening to you anymore. This is my affair with Illumi. By threatening you, he just sealed his fate._

Gon can't believe it, Killua about to be reckless again after chiding Gon for the same thing the past few days. The brothers are powering up for the fight of a millennium, and Gon isn't sure he'll be able to stop it, what's coming. The carnage that will ensue, with him in the center.

 _What would anyone else do in my position?!_ He wracks his mind, desperate to pull up any teachings his masters and comrades have given to him in the past that might help him in this situation. _Wing, Bisky, Knuckle, Kite…_

There's still pain there, where Kite punched him all those years ago, where Kon scratched him as he cried out in fear, where his mentor gave his life to defend his weakness… Even after making up, and seeing him, now her, all those months later, there's still a part of him that knows it was partly because of him. There's a part of him that knows Killua left him because of his weakness, his selfishness and arrogance. Watching his best friend leave, turn his back away from the World Tree… it was a scene forever etched in his mind, the sense of loss. He couldn't let that happen again – he wouldn't, as long as he lived.

 _No, I'm getting distracted. What can I do?!_

Now his best friend is facing his greatest enemy and greatest fear – he hasn't spoken about the other Zoldycks nearly the same way he speaks about Illumi, especially in the last few days. He didn't want Killua to have to face the Zoldycks ever again, and now they're preparing for a death battle before his eyes.

 _I don't think I can escape with Killua if I knocked him out the way he did with me when we met Pitou for the first time…_ Illumi would finish him in a second, if not stop him from performing the move to knock out Killua in the first place – never mind Killua's reflexes.

He's too late – the first move has already been made, with Killua activating Godspeed and glowing with Nen, and Illumi increasing his aura's wriggling range, shooting its malice toward Gon. Killua steps between them to fend it off and then jumps, fingers sharp as he aims at Illumi. They exchange a few blows, with Illumi holding back before knocking Killua back, as he takes more defensive position; there's no way Killua can fend off Illumi and protect Gon at the same time. So Gon does the first thing that comes to his mind.

"ILLUMI! I'LL GO WITH YOU!"

That does make them stop. The brothers land on the floor of the hotel room, before the bed, giving a doubletake to their position in relation to that of Gon.

Killua stands, his aura practically swishing in jumbled impatience, like a cat's tail interrupted in the middle of taking its prey. "What?"

"Illumi, I'll go with you to the Zoldyck Estate."

The elder Zoldyck is motionless in his crouch, not revealing anything in his visage.

"You idiot!" Killua calls over at him, masking the distress he feels at the prospect of his brother taking Gon's offer. Illumi is between them, otherwise he would go over and smack Gon on the head himself. "If you do that, that just means I'll have to go with you!"

"No, Killua," denies Gon. "You aren't allowed come with."

"You do realize what he'll do to you, right?!" Killua tries, becoming more nervous by the second, realizing what it must have taken for Gon to reach this decision. Gon wouldn't throw out something like this lightly; he must have pondered about this deeply in some sense, meaning he must have made up his mind. Killua sweats. _What if there's no swaying him?_ "He'll likely just straight-up murder you along the way!" says Killua. "If not try to stick another needle in your head!"

"That's why I have conditions."

Illumi has stood up now, his aura retreated. "What are your conditions?"

"Wh – you can't be serious!" Killua exclaims, Godspeed fizzling out.

"I'll go with you freely, but only if you leave Killua alone, and take me to the Zoldyck Estate to meet the head of the Zoldyck Family in his stead. You aren't allowed to harm me on the journey, but once these conditions are filled, you can do whatever you want."

Illumi's Nen shuts off all at once. He embodies the demeanor of the overprotective, blank, and nonthreatening older brother. "Done."

Every emotion Killua possesses sweeps through him like a hurricane. He doesn't care whether Illumi attacks him anymore, leaping over the bed to cross the room and shakes Gon roughly by the shoulders, still dressed in the same white shirt and grey shorts. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he shouts, desperate to reach his friend – the friend he'd committed himself to not just moments ago, the one he'd let in deeper than anyone else, whom he loved with all his heart. He'd do anything not to lose him again. "First you tell me I can't sacrifice myself to Illumi for the good of other people, and now you're doing the same thing?! Are you crazy?!"

Gon smiles bittersweetly at him, lifting his eyebrows as he shrugs a little.

"Don't give me that crap!" Killua shrieks in anger, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. "Don't act like the rules only apply to me and not to you! Not again! I can't do it – I already told you! You _know_ …" His voice takes on the quality of a scared child now. "You know how scared I am to lose you!" He can't hold back the tears anymore, cowering before Gon as water rolls down his face.

Gon cups Killua's pale cheek with one hand, wiping away tears with his tan fingers. "You won't lose me. I'll make it back to you safely, Killua. I promise." His hand lingers as he steps away, and Killua grabs it, but it's gone before he knows it. Gon stands before the towering elder Zoldyck.

"Alright, Illumi. I'm ready. You better keep your word."

Illumi nods his chin, half-turning toward the door. "Don't worry. You'll make it to the Zoldyck Estate in one piece – no needles attached." His aura flickers with something then, too fast to recognize. "But, I never promised how you'd get there."

Gon opens his mouth. "Wha –"

There's a shrill pain at the base of his neck, and suddenly his vision is going dark. Killua's voice is screaming his name, and the ground becomes far away.

Dizziness overtakes him, and the world is silent.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 _It's my fault. It's my fault,_ Killua repeats like a mantra in his head. He's running through the countryside now, hot on Illumi's tail – at least, he thought he was. Trees pass by him in a streamline of dark green, the sun sinking farther on the horizon. He's almost been exhausted of Nen, and not sure how far he's gone or how long he's traveled, but he continues to push himself to the end, unable to do anything else. Illumi disappeared from his view long ago, and now he's just following this direction on instinct, knowing where Kukuroo Mountain is from here – but he's sure he lost the scent now, and there's nothing to be done except turn back.

 _That idiot! That_ idiot _!_ he thinks, feeling the aura of his brother far away from him now – too far to home in on. _He said we should stick together! He said we should face Illumi together!_ It reminded him of being cast aside in Gon's fight against Pitou; now, Killua knew the other reasons Gon felt he had to do it alone, but this –! This was Killua's fight, Killua's problem – sure, he had been reckless in facing Illumi on the beach and in the hotel, but he wanted them to take him on together! It was hard for Gon without his Nen, though… _What the_ hell _were you thinking…?!_

Illumi is likely on an airship headed for the next region, somehow able to give him the slip, his and Gon's aura too far to sense anymore. Sure enough, it isn't long before the trees part, and giving way to the ocean and an orange-blue sky.

Killua skids to a halt on the sand. Out of breath, Godspeed flickering white light all around, he stares out at the open water, despondent.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" he screams, tears of sadness and frustration falling from his eyes. He collapses on the beachside, his hands and bare knees kicking up sand, making dents with his fists. He watches the sun sink below the water in a teary film of grief. The sky becomes dotted by a myriad of multicolored stars, and faint nebulas far into the distance, where his heart feels now.

He knew Illumi couldn't be trusted with his chicanery, so why did Gon go with him?

"I don't know, I don't know," he sobs aloud, clutching his face in his hands. _It's my fault for not being more open about what Illumi's like,_ his conscience cries. _If only I'd been able to talk more about my past, none of this would have happened… I wouldn't have lost my cool and put Gon in that spot, where he had to choose…_

He knows Gon only did it because he was scared for Killua's life: Gon saw that there was no way Killua would come out of this unscathed, having to protect Gon and defend himself, let alone defeat Illumi, so Gon decided it was better to take on the suffering by himself than watch this happen.

But it was selfish, what he did. Believing the pain was only his own, that taking on the burden wouldn't cause additional distress to Killua – he wasn't thinking! He was just being self-centered but in a different way. His convolution in protecting Killua only served to harm him more…

 _The idiot probably did it also so he could better understand what I'm dealing with firsthand,_ Killua understands.

But Gon's in so much danger, going alone. Killua has no idea what the other Zoldycks will do to him once his conditions are filled. Kill him? Implant a needle in him? Threaten his family until he stops seeing and being with Killua? The possibilities are endless, though Killua is the one who knows their methods best. He'd feared this day would come ever since the Hunter Exam, that the Zoldycks would attribute his development away from them in part by Gon. When that happened, he didn't know what he would do to protect Gon – once they had a target in their grasp, they were determined to see it through 'til the end. If they reached the Zoldyck Estate, there's no telling how they could escape with the entire family hot on their heels…

The fear he feels in trying to convince himself to return there is one he hardly wants to admit as well…

 _Wait a second… the entire Zoldyck Family?_

He has an idea, though it isn't a very strong one yet. Rooting one bare foot in the sand – as he's still in his pajamas from when they were in bed together – Killua hobbles to his feet.

 _I can't let something like this stop me from moving entirely._

Not again – he'd been empty, hopeless after Gon pushed him away, making it clear he wanted to defeat Pitou alone. It caused him to make some not-so-great decisions – facing Youpi alone – to the point he used up too much of his Nen – deciding… he would commit his last moments defending Gon, no matter whether the other wanted him to or not.

He's changed now – he knows that wasn't healthy, that a relationship shouldn't entail self-sacrifice for the sake of it, even if the person he sacrificed himself for was his one and only savior, Gon.

It's taken him years to understand it – heck, he's still trying to understand it. Only moments ago, he'd wanted to sacrifice himself to Illumi to protect Gon, disguised as a noble reason to fight Illumi. Putting his worth in his ability to sacrifice himself for Gon… it has to stop.

Killua watches the shifting stars a little longer, his white hair swaying on the winds coming up from the sea.

Yeah. They can't do this alone.

* * *

 **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Gon awakens to the pungent smell of roses, wafting alacritously above his nose. Sitting up on the small cushion he's been laid on at the floor, he finds that the room around him is red, the walls covered in red velvet. There are a few windows with shutters on them, their screens obscuring any view of the outside, while a few katanas rest against the wall. Flowering pots are positioned at two of the four corners of the room, and the ceiling and tatami floor is a dull, light beige, with wooden finish around the perimeters, a scroll with ancient writing hanging over the katanas. It's tasteful, but rather sparse aside from the pink blossoms in the pots.

A wall slides to reveal it's actually a door, and through it comes the eldest Zoldyck sibling carrying a tray of tea. Gon is immediately on alert, but all Illumi says is, "Ah, finally. You're awake."

Gon blinks, leery as Illumi huddled on both knees to place the tea set on the floor next to Gon.

"Sorry about hitting your head like that. I thought it would be the fastest way to transport you here. Tea?"

"No, thanks," Gon says, watching him pour the tea into cups with a sense of askance.

Illumi picks up a teacup with his fingers on both sides, a hand underneath, blowing on it as he tests it with his lips. "It's hot," he states, licking tea from his lips. The display is strange to say the least, having always been threatened by Illumi in the past.

"We'll go meet Father as soon as you're ready," Illumi says, surprisingly patient for how much in a hurry he seemed to be in to get Gon here.

 _We must be in the Zoldyck Manor,_ Gon ruminates, once again noticing the layout of the room. _I wonder what the butlers had to say about bringing me here…_ Did they pass Canary on the way here? What about Gotoh? Did the rest of the family know he was here…?

There isn't much to see or do in this room, especially not with Illumi watching him. Before Illumi can pour himself another cup of tea, Gon says, "I'm ready. Take me to your father."

Illumi leads Gon out of the red room through another wall, different from the one he entered. Gon can only really see Illumi's long black hair swishing in front of him on their way through the hallways that ensue, as most of the doors are closed. The walls are darker here, dark beige, brown, and eventually black. It isn't long before they reach a stairway, where wooden steps transform into stone, and visibility is only marked by the passing oil lanterns, embedded in the walls.

As the smell of mildew and a lingering poison pricks Gon's nose, the hairs on the back of his neck stand on-end. He can't see past many of these doors either, but there is one, a wooden door with a huge metal latch hanging ajar, which he catches a glimpse inside. What he does see is enough for him to question his decision to come here: a lineup of weapons, handcuffs, and chains, organized neatly on holders on a wall.

Gon looks away, his body hot and clammy, head spinning. He isn't given enough time to process what he's seen, for they're at the black iron gateway of the Zoldyck Family's current heir.

Illumi raps a knuckle against the door, announcing, "Father, I've brought Gon," which only makes him more nervous as the doors rumble open.

Inside is a man – or more like a giant – with silver hair falling in large almost-dreadlocks around his massive shoulders, piercing Gon with inhuman blue eyes. His mouth is hard, face, arms, entire physique chiseled by years of grueling training, no doubt.

"So, you're the one who keeps pulling my son away from me."

The deep voice shakes Gon to his very core, and a frog leaps into his throat.

These people… they could actually _kill_ him.

* * *

… **This chapter caught me completely by surprise. I hope it did for you too – in a good way of course. Well, I'm honestly still in a state of shell-shock, and don't really know what else to say, so here: Random tidbit! When I wrote out "red room" in the final scene, I couldn't help but think of the Red Room from** _ **Fifty Shades of Grey**_ **(which yes, I read to see what all the fuss was about), and this image wasn't helped much by Gon seeing the torture rooms in the dungeons down below. Okay, why am I including this, that's** _ **definitely**_ **not T-rated…**

 **It's Spring Break, and I'm glad I was able to get this chapter out. I'm also relieved that so many enjoyed chapter 19 despite its somewhat lack of direction (which I edited to hopefully ameliorate). I'm sure this chapter ripped a hole through many, following the previous. Don't worry, I'm included in that. But seriously, I hope it wasn't too "out there," because, again, this was not planned.**

 **Please be sure to leave your thoughts below!**


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